The Foregone Conclusion To Being Tripped.

Ah, Fall... Or Autumn, if you prefer. I don't, mainly because it would make the title seem stupid.

The time where you get sick of hearing about the following:

• The leaves changing color... Yes... It is called "dying". People usually will remark about this one in the beginning of Fall. When they have had to rake said leaves more then once, their feelings on the matter usually change... and not for the better.
• School. It happens every year at the end of summer. For those of us who decided not to spawn, we really could give two shits about how it is going. Wanna spot a teacher? Look for people who repeat "not prepared" or "not enough time" more than once in a conversation.
• Football. As a person who recently decided to say "No, thank you" to the National Felon's League, people spend a tad too much time devoted to this game. Now... A Side Note...

Side Note: Last weekend, I was in Petsmart. Lily has provisions that seem to need replenishing every week... I am not kidding... I think there are three weekends in the year when I am not in there, buying something. I am oft heard to remark, "I love that damn dog, and I have the receipts to prove it."

I take my two purchases to the check out person. Imagine frumpy, pimply faced, late teens or early twenty something... Has got those stupid spacer things in his ears. Short buzzcut, that on him, made his head look like a scrotum from a 70's porn.

"Tomorrow will be a glorious day as the St. Louis Rams defeat the Dallas Cowboys."

These were the first words he gurgled at me. Reeking of smugness and certainty. I know the tone. I fucking perfected the tone. HOWEVER, I use the tone in the rare occasions when I am 100% correct and know it. Not in prognostications of football games.

I stared. Said, "Okay, are those two baseball teams?" I watched as his feeble, stunted brain tried to understand that I a) did not react to the brazen insult to the local football team. b) pretended not to know what he was talking about. c) looked at him like he was a piece of dog shit on my shoe.

He stammered, and tried to recover from his deflation... Scanned my two items and gave me the total... "$29.21"

"Okay, I am gonna put twenty on the debit and the rest in cash..."

"Ewwwkay... How much will be in cash then?"

Now, I understand retail and dealing with the public is noooo picnic. I worked fast food dammit. I try to give young people the benefit of the doubt... At Target, I was helped the cashier figure out how to do a partial/split payment. Which is why my reply of, "Are you fucking kidding me?" surprised me as much as it did him.

"Well... It is easier if I do the cash first and then the card..."

"Here is two twenties... That would be forty dollars... Don't hurt yourself." I said this in a tone that would insult a third grader.

"Sorry, man."

"The change will be $10.79. I hope your male sheep do well tomorrow."

The reason I helped the cashier at Target and not this Air Waster? First, she was cute. Second, she was new and was trying - putting effort forth. The idiot at Petsmart put the problem on ME.

And the Rams lost, by the way. I had to go in there today... And yes... I looked for him.

Moral of the story: Customer Service is becoming, if it isn't already, the leading occupation in America... Shouldn't we be better at it?

End Side Note.

Oh, yeah... The final thing I loathe hearing about in the fall... Halloween.

Halloween is not a holiday. Here is my reasoning... If Halloween is on a Tuesday, do I get that day off, paid as a Holiday? NOPE. Then NOT A DAMN HOLIDAY!

Thanksgiving... THAT's a holiday! Two days, baby.

And for whatever reason, most of the Halloween's that I remember doing something on, it was always bitter fucking cold. November 1st? Pleasant... Oct. 30? Awesome-sauce on a stick. Halloween? Cold or just shitty weather.

I remember sitting in Penny Lacy's car... Faded Green '76 or '77 Mustang, Duncanville, TX. 1980? Feeling like a wussy because I chickened out going into the haunted house Ricky Lacy and my older brother went into. 20 minutes later when they came back crying like bitches, I felt secure in my declining to pay money for the treat of getting scared.

Other notable memories of Fall...

Mom racking the leaves, us doing the goofy pictures in said piles of leaves.

First days of school, and the goofy pictures of said first days of school.

I got to call in sick for the first time in 4 years in the Fall of 1997. Ya see...

In the USAF, there is no, rolling over, picking up the phone, faking a cough and puny voice, or actually being sick, and "calling in sick." No no... You had to get up at the normal 6:00 AM. You had to go to the shop for morning muster. You had to then tell the boss, "I am going to the Med Hall." Drive up to Med Hall. (I did all this with a 103 fever and wicked hangover once). Go to "Admissions". Wait to get your own Med Chart. Get said Med Chart and walk to the building they tell you. Then you get assigned a room or told to sit down and wait. When you get to the Dr., he does the once over. He will then decide to send you home, or light duty, or just back to work. Then you will always have to go to the Pharm (I threw away no less then 30 vials of meds when getting dismissed). There is always a line. Get your pills and you are FREE... it is about 11:00AM... If you wanted to play hooky for the day? Half gone. If you were actually sick? You feel like a cup of rancid vomit in a dumpster that has been used as a homeless toilet for three days and baking in the sun.

Yeah... I looked forward to calling in sick and rolling my ass over and going back to sleep.

Thanksgivings... X2 and her family had some pretty good ones. She had the nicest "Appearances" or "Surface" family. Everything looked good on the at a glace, but underneath... Complete and utter disaster.

One Thanksgiving eve... A Wednesday, I believe... X2 told me she was going out for Cranberry Sauce. I asked her... "Have you taken your pills?" Pills was the nice way of saying, "Have you gotten your Ambien fix for the evening, ya junkie?"

"Nope..."

She leaves and 10 minutes later, I get the phone call... "I hit a car". Which was the nice way of her saying, "I was drugged out of my gourd, and ran into a parked Ford Explorer doing 45 mph."

Moral of the story: The new Volkswagen Beetles are extremely safe cars. She had a scratched knee where it hit the key in the ignition. Oh... and drugs are bad... Mmmkay?

One or two years later, early Fall, I told my then Mother in Law, "Brenda, I am so done." Her response, "Can you at least make it through the holidays? It would mean so much to the family."

Never mind defending her daughter or the sanctity of marriage.. Nooooo... She was just worried it would reflect badly on her... Superficiality... Made here in Texas! Yee-haw! On the plus side, she did make good during X-Mas. Was a bountiful haul that year.

Last Fall was pretty special... Got to meet an important person in my life. Had one of my favorite Thanksgivings in a long, long time. There was anticipation. There were nerves. There was laughter. There was a connection.

I think Fall lends itself to reflection because everything changes. Not like Spring... where there is "hope" and a feeling of renewal. No, everything changes and you know "worse" is coming. You reflect, in order to learn from your previous mistakes and avoid them in the future... One hopes.

Winter is coming,

d

This blog brought to you by Savatage (now known as Trans-Siberian Orchestra), Alice In Chains, The Foo Fighters, Disturbed, Tenacious D, Megadeth,  and finally...Metallica's crowning achievement... "Master of Puppets", in it's entirety, in honor of Cliff Burton. He was their bassist who on this day, 28 years ago was tragically killed in a bus accident. R.I.P.

And you, Madam, are NO Lycia Naff!

I read today about a woman who has been augmented to have three breasts. Then, in preparation for this here blog, I read that it is probably a prosthesis. For the remainder of the blog, I will be writing it as if it were real.

In between the two articles, I was contacted by someone requesting I write a blog about that "stupid c*nt".

While never having attended the Central University of North Texas, I could understand the requester's animosity. From what I know of the person making the blog request, it was not the augmentation itself... it was the reason given by the vapid idiot.

According to reports, she got the surgery because she doesn't want to date anymore. This was her attempt to be "less attractive to men".

Holy fuckballs... Where to begin??? But first, *sniff**sniff* Smell that? That smells like a load of shit.

Possible Pros to Getting a Third Boob

1. You own stock in a pastie manufacturer.
2. You wanted to have a litter or pups and the teets to feed?
3. You can never decide on which bra to wear and you want to mix and match.
4. You are cross-eyed... Severely... So when you looked down, you wanted there to ACTUALLY be three boobs instead of just thinking there are three boobs.
5. You are a stupid fucking attention whore willing to mutilate and humiliate yourself in order to become another talent-less, clawing desperately for your 15 minutes of fame, quasi-celebrity, on par with the fucking Octo-Mom, and this was easier then shooting out eight pups from your diseased birthing canal.

Considered Cons to Getting a Third Boob

1. You look like a fucking moron.
2. When gravity wreaks havoc on the two natural udders, the cycloptic one in the middle will make you look even more fucking moronic.
3. People will write you off as a novelty. And they will be correct in doing so.
4. This is America... Some even crazier chick will show up with FOUR, count 'em FOUR, breasts... and you, you are gonna be last weeks news faster then Ebola can spread through third world country (Too soon?).
5. You have to constantly claim that you are not a stupid fucking attention whore willing to mutilate and humiliate yourself in order to become another talent-less, clawing desperately for your 15 minutes of fame, quasi-celebrity, on par with the fucking Octo-Mom, and this was easier then shooting out eight pups from your diseased birthing canal.

According to the stories, the procedure cost around $20,000 dollars. I am a pretty creative guy. I can think of 8,579,321 things I could do with twenty grand before "Get Third Boob" makes the list (It's on there, don't judge me!!!). That is just off the top of my head. And that is not even including gentleman's clubs...

This person, in all seriousness, needed to devote that much money to her therapist. There is some serious mental issue, or serious lack of mental activity going on with this person.

To say it was because you want to "repel men" and "don't want to date anymore" was such an utter and obvious manipulation. If that were the actual case, why is your punk ass out showing them off and shopping them around for a reality show??? Is it to show how hard it is to have three boobs that YOU HAD DONE TO YOURSELF?

Don't want to date anymore? Want to repel men? Join a fucking nunnery!!! But wait... That would mean putting someone before yourself.

I wonder if it was the constant feeling of "needing a gimmick" to attain a level of stardom that led to this poor, tortured, idiotic soul's decision. Seeing all the Kardashians, Hiltons, Spears', and Cyrus' making money and nabbing headlines for abso-fucking-lutely NO reason other than being wastes of exposed flesh... The thought must have been, "Hey, don't waste the flesh, bunch it up, shove it between my tits! And while you're there, throw a nipple on it!"

The Outcome:

The spectacle will be too much for the masses to resist. There will be a reality show. Halloween costumes will be made. There will be merchandising and sponsors. The inevitable porn deal will be sought after...

The worst aspect to all of this is that little girls will see this woman's attempt and sickening success, and perceive it as a viable option for THEIR dreams and aspirations to be a "celebrity".

There are those who "need a gimmick", and there are those who bust their ass, honing their craft, practicing their art... The ones not out partying, flashing side boob, or upskirts, or getting their sex-tape "leaked"... There are no stories written about the hours, days, weeks, months, years it took to become great at their chosen art... Just those 15 minutes in the spotlight are focused on and sought after.

All I know is, I was never a boob guy anyway... I saw the poster for "For Your Eyes Only" at an impressionable age and the rest, as they say, was history.

Just the 'A' Ma'am,

d

This blog brought to you by The Who, The Rolling Stones, Daft Punk, Korn, Pantera, No Doubt, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, Tomahawk, Aerosmith, The Verve, Murray Head, Queen and Blue Cheer

Today's Title Etymology:

At the Vice-Presidential debate in 1988, Lloyd Bentsen told Dan Quayle, who had just compared himself to John F. Kennedy,

"Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Lycia Naff was the woman in the original "Total Recall" who played Mary, the three breasted prostitute.

Microwave Cookery

As a creature of habit (FINE... sufferer of mild to annoying OCD), when I go shopping, I have the path in my mind of where I need to go to get what I need. There are small variances that occur, sure. I hate them so.

A while back, the almond butter I usually snag got recalled. I think it was for Salmonella... Besides the obvious thought of "What salmon is eating almonds???", I was struck with the conundrum of "Do I return the jar I have already eaten out of or not?" Seeing as how this shit is damned expensive, I decided on getting the cash.

What am I needing almond butter for, you might ask? So, glad you did, by the way. Thanks.

I do the gym thingy, and sometimes when I do, my body will go into open rebellion the days following particularly brutal sessions. Walking funny, crying while trying to raise arms to shampoo hair, tying shoelaces becomes and endurance sport... Good times...

While there are a myriad post workout bars and edible proteins, a good friend (they know who they are) came across and shared a recipe with me for making a recovery treat. Almond butter, honey, chia seeds, gluten free Rice Krispies, and mini-chocolate chips. Mmmmmm, dee-lish.

ANYWHOOZLE... The grocery store I invade weekly has a barren space on the shelf normally occupied by the almond butter I throw down on. This, coupled with the fact I needed some other stuff, not offered at the one store, and I wanted to check on a particular Blu-ray, I found myself in another store. The date was 9/9/2014.

As I picked up the few stray items, I thought I would check this stores almond butter status. I get to the section, and while they do not have the brand I am accustomed to, they have others. I decide on a jar of this expensive stuff.

SIDE NOTE: For one jar, AND NOT A LARGE JAR AT THAT, of almond butter, I could buy about 7 boxes of assorted Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Wanna know why a third of Americans are obese? Because eating healthy is expensive as hell. How about we stop subsidizing Big Sugar? Just a thought...

The First Lady got criticized for saying school lunches should be healthier... And stating kids should limit their intake of carbonated beverages. "Don't you go'n tell me how feed my child!!! Now, after I give 'em their insulin shots... we gonna have wurds!!!!"

Thus endeth the side note...

I get home, and in my excitement of popping in "Captain America: The Winter Soldier", I hapahazardly put the groceries away. I remember the jar falling out of the bag... into the cupboard! I distinctly remember that because it was cool as hell. Could not have planned it better.

Here is where the plot thickens...

This Wednesday, I was gonna make a batch of the recovery treats. I know the day because I did upper body and 20 minutes on the damn stair machine (that is actually an escalator phobia inducing device). I begin to gather the ingredients, contorting fingers into dizzying arrays to maximize carrying capacity. The counter I am going to set them on is five feet away... but TWO TRIPS? I already worked out once today, thank you oh so mucking fuch! Don't judge.

So, phalanges straining, I am not finding the almond butter... Where is it? Ugh!!! I set the stuff on the counter, go back and bend down to inspect the shelf in question. This, being Wednesday, and payday being Thursday, the shelf had maybe two other things on it. Nothing.

Remembering the coolness of the jar drop that was NOT a jar drop... I thought maybe it was on a different shelf. Cursory inspection of the barren cupboard yielded zero results.

I checked the fridge... Maybe I put it in there? No fucking clue as to why I would have done that, but I have found some weird shit in the fridge before. A slow moving, very upset rattlesnake being the winner by far. Nope, no almond butter.

I go back to the cupboard... Checking every shelf. Checking inside the crock pot up on the top shelf... Ya never know... Bupkis...

I invade my mind... Forcing the recollection of the shopping excursion... I remember waffling on the purchase of said almond butter due to the fact I was picking up "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" on Blu.... And "Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D", Season 1 on Blu... I also remember picking up a tub of actual almonds, that I keep in my desk at work for mid morning snacking purposes.

With all those extra items, I was already dropping a pretty penny, so... I... must have... put it back versus actually buying it... Did I?... But it fell in the cupboard... Did that happen before? No... I must have put it back at the store...

This went on for a bit... And I chalked it up to I must have imagined the jar drop that was NOT a jar drop...

Thursday comes along, I get paid, I pay bills, I go to work, I go to gym, I come home, I go to booze store, I have a couple o' beers, I go to bed.

Friday, whilst at work, I comprise my shopping list. I put on almond butter the list. Underlined. Twice. Debated throwing a highlighter on top of that, but thought that would be pretentious...

I get to my preferred marketplace of grocery and foodstuff procurement. I plug in the earbuds, which is a fantastic way of letting people know, "I have no desire to talk to you." without having to be overtly rude. Old ladies like talking to me a grocery stores... I DO NOT KNOW WHY!!! I check out, I get home, I get the stuff unloaded. I pop the cork on a bottle of mead... All is right with the world.

Saturday, do my thing... Ride fifteen miles on the bike in an hour, check out Halloween costumes, and I stop by the Toy's R Us, pick up some Legos (B-Wing... fave Star Wars hoopty). I relax with my Gentleman Jack N' Cokes. I do this because I know Sunday is looming...

Today... Sunday... The "Lord's" day (I would think they would all be his...).  Creature of habit mode... ENGAGED... I get up. I let the damn dog out. I feed said damn dog. I go back to the bed and lay there. Planning out the day. I know I will be doing laundry, including linens on bed. I know I will be cleaning house. Oooh.. prolly will mop. I know I have to go to gym for Leg day... So, whilst formulating, I scope the Best Buy ad online. Okay, Laundry... I have three loads to do... Sheets, Black n Whites, Colors. On it.

Laundry is sorted, time to dismantle the bed's sheets and what not. My bed, courtesy of those crazy ass Swedes is just a mattress on springy slats, that act as the box springs. I fling the comforter to the side, I disrobe the pillow of their cases. Off with the sheet. I get to the foot of the bed. I grab the fitted sheet, and pull up.

The mattress lifts of the frame, exposing the corner of the floor underneath the bed. There lies a jar of almond butter. Correction... THE jar of almond butter...

Damn dog.

Nice gnaw marks, Lily.

I have got to start believing in me more,

d

This blog brought to you by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, Pantera, CCR, Tool, Alice in Chains, Kim Jong-Il, White Zombie, J. Geils Band, Neil Fucking Diamond!, Foo Fighters, Grand Funk Railroad, The Beta Band, Alan Silvestri, Led Zeppelin, Faith No More, LL Cool J + The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Joe Walsh, Stevie Ray Vaughn & Double Trouble, Anthrax, Bob Marley & The Wailers, Korn, Gruntruck, and the mighty Metallica.

Today's title etymology:

The old guy in the Simpsons, Jasper, walks up to Rev. Lovejoy at the Learning Annex.

Rev. Lovejoy says, "'Coping with Senility'?"

"NO! 'Microwave Cookery'!" berates Japser, who then pauses, "Wait... 'Coping With Senility'"

From the CLASSIC Season 4, Episode 16, "Duffless",

The Abundance of Lose.

A wise man once said, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". That man was probably faced with something like "Do I go to the orgy first or the Vomitorium first?" Oh, those silly Greeks!

In order to understand the nature of the no-win situation, one must first accept that there are two sides to the situation at hand. This is vital. Crucial. The can also be two outcomes, but the fact that it is called a "no-win", pretty much limits the outcome to taking a bite out of a shit sandwich.

As far as I can recollect, there has been fewer presidents faced with more no-wins. From day one...

The Bailout

First, please do not forget the fact that it was written before the current President was in office. So...

Option 1 - Shoot it down.

• Fragile economy just goes straight down the crapper. No swirl action. No, this would be like the toilet in the airplanes... No mistaking what just happened... 
• Headlines read, "Obama Lets Hallowed Financial Institutions Fail!", "Obama Wrecks Global Economy!"

Option 2 - Vote for it.

• You give rich assholes who, UNDER BUSH JR., tanked the economy, a free pass and basically, nobody goes to jail.
• Headlines read, "Obama Bails Out Banks!", "Obama Gives YOUR Tax Money To Banks!"

In case you missed it, he went with Option 2. The main point to remember, he did not cause the problem. He was handed this Shit Smorgasbord and had to try and do what he could to fix it.

Economy

The people who do not like the President will tout the economy and jobs as his downfall. This is despite every indicator showing the economy is getting better. When confronted with those pesky facts, the person will say "Yeah... But.. It took soooo long..." 

Sure, when you have every member of the opposite party fucking over the American people in order to get one black guy out of a job, what would you expect? Seriously, McConnell stated, "Our number one priority is to ensure Obama is a one term President."

Forget governing. Forget the people. Forget upholding the Constitution... Noooo. "We lost and we are taking our ball and going home. *sniffle*"

I, and anyone with a brain, will always wonder... "Gee, if half of the stuff in the works could have gotten past these crusty, old, white fucks, how much better off would America be?". And yes, I would start off with the "Gee".

Auto Industry

Bailing out GM was AGAIN proposed under the Bush The II regime. Here is a great timeline of the events... Obama, when he got into office, was given the choice to supplement the preexisting loan...

Option 1 - Shoot it down.

• GM... GONE! 
• Headlines read, "Obama Lets Hallowed Auto Institutions Fail!", "Obama Wrecks GM  Economy!"

Option 2 - Vote for it.

• You give rich assholes who, UNDER BUSH JR., tanked the industry, a free pass and basically, nobody goes to jail.
• Headlines read, "Obama Bails Out GM!", "Obama Gives YOUR Tax Money To Detroit!"

Wait... I see a trend... And this one ended up not causing a problem. Score one for the Prez. Now, let's move on to something even more jacked up.

Iraq

I have heard, or rather seen clips of Fox "News" people calling the Iraq War, "Obama's War". If you do not change the channel after hearing that, you are either a moron, sitting in your single wide, masturbating to Guns N Ammo, while sitting in a kiddie pool of jello and feces (you know... too keep cool and there is always room for J-E-L-L-O), or you are.... Nope... That is the only option

Not his war? He actually is one of the few who can say "I ALWAYS thought it was a shitty idea." So, he was faced with pulling out troops, or sticking it out. So...

Option 1 - Pull out.

• Focus more on the real bad guys 
• Maybe use some of the WASTED money on the flailing economy.
• Could cause instability in the region and allow other factions to move in.*
• Headlines read, "Obama Wants To Cut N Run!", "Obama Declares Mission Failed!"

Option 2 - Stay there.

• It would make Dick Cheney happy... More dead GI's.
• We would totally reap that oil! *cough*bullshit*cough*.
• Is our military nation builders? World's policemen?
• Headlines read, "Obama has No Exit Strategy!", "Obama Breaks Campaign Promise!"

He, went with option one this time. Granted, upon entering office, he was introduced to a new aspect of the security he made not have been aware of before becoming "Commander in Chief". So, he reassessed the situation. He talked with guys who wear stars on there shoulder pads... Made an INFORMED DECISION... Which I am sure shocked the public after having the retarded cowboy in office for 6 years (he checked out those last two and did fuck all).

VA

This is the mother of all No-Win situations. It has been a problem since TRUMAN! That would be 1945 for the non-history buffs.

It is utterly and absolutely disgraceful, that the very elected officials who send men and women to war, not giving ONE FLYING FUCK about the cost or reasoning of the war... Will cite, with straight faces and conviction only found in serial killers and people used to being sodomized by pineapples, "economic principles" as the reason why they will vote down ANY AND ALL legislation designed to help veterans.

This could be the part where you say, "Both parties are at fault." True, but I refer to that clip above... The GOP will kill anything that would remotely make the President look good. Regardless of who they hurt. It is the antithesis of "Public Service".

The NSA can store and listen to every single thing said over the phone, read every email, snoop every text... But the VA scheduling software was last updated in 19-FUCKING-86????????

ISIS*

Yeah... This sucks. Again... No-Win scenario. Do we go back in? Do we drone them death (pun intended)? This last week, ISIS beheaded another journalist. The tragedy being multiplied because he sympathized with the Middle East being influenced by Western regimes. This shows the epitome of "There is no negotiating with extremists."

Yet, people (I refuse to call them "journalists") on the aforementioned Vomitorium, Fox "News" were spewing "Why haven't we declared war???", one "communtator", Kimberly Guilfoyle (remove the "omm" and the "ator") let this little shit nugget escape from her mouth-anus, 

“Can I just make a special request in the magic lamp? Can we get like Netanyahu, or like Putin in for 48 hours, you know, head of the United States?”

Putin... The guy under sanctions for invading other countries... The guy who does not care, and helps cover up, that his peeps shot down a CIVILIAN air liner... "STFU" does not cover it for that propaganda station.

If he does anything in response to the beheading videos, proponents will say "He was goaded!!! He is taking it personally!!!" and if he does nothing, "He is letting people die!!!". 

Drone the shit out them. The fewer boots on the ground, the better. And for fuck's sake... Let's stop looking to the people who got us into the mess in the first place for advice... 

Cheney's "Exit Strategy" for Iraq was "There is NO Exit Strategy". How many years did he serve in the military again??? Oh, that's right. FUCKING ZERO. He deferred FIVE times from Vietnam. Hey, Dick... how much do you love your country again?

Ebola

Along the same lines... If he were to restrict the American doctor's from returning to U.S. soil, "Obama is denying AMERICAN CITIZENS access to the best care!!!!". And by allowing them into the U.S., under the supervision of the CDC, "He is risking all AMERICAN CITIZENS!!!!". The guy can not win...

Immigration

The quagmires of all quagmires. There is no-win here. As far as I am concerned, unless you can state your name, followed by your TRIBE, you are no expert on immigration but you ARE AN IMMIGRANT. Regardless of party or where you fall politically, there is NO easy answer to this one. For every factoid, there is a rebuttal. For every proposal, there is an easily found dissenting opinion.

Gov. Rick Perry (and the joy I feel about adding an "ex" to that title is immeasurable) believes Obama is to blame for the "Surge" and if he does not do what Rick Perry thinks is best he is either 1) inept 2) Does not care or... Oops.

Lawsuit over abuse of Executive Action

Lastly, the Orange Man, Boehner, filed a lawsuit against the President because he was abusing his "Executive Action" and bypassing Congress. Let us not forget that this is the Congress that is the LEAST. PRODUCTIVE. EVER.

Oh... because charts are pretty...

Then, in the SAME WEEK, the people who wanted to sue the President over his using executive actions, URGED the President to USE EXECUTIVE ACTIONS to help with the border crisis in Texas.

____________________________________________

Next time you want to rush to judgment... Stop. Think. Then do the opposite of what "Fox "News" thinks and you will be doing a-ok. The thing to remember in no-win situations, is this:

Someone is serving you the options. Someone is waiting in the wings with that shit sandwich that I mentioned in the 2nd paragraph. IF that is all they have to offer, you should find a new place to consume.

Good night, and good luck and turn the damn channel...

d

This blog brought to you by the Mighty Metallica, Smokin' Steve Vai, Monstrous Marilyn Manson, the Terrific Tenacious D, the movie trailer kings - Drowning Pool, the Latino Los Lonely Boys, the ever so nihilistic Nirvana, the heavy duty Tool, the Awesome Alice in Chains, the colorful Cake, the angst ridden Anthrax,  the anti-antidote Poison,  the Stupefying Stooges, the Enigmatic Eminem, and the Shaking Stray Cats!

You... Me... Them...

No, I am not thinking of "Everybody Needs Somebody To Love" by the Blues Brother, BUT we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community that have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time...

No... Everybody, and I mean everybody, answers to somebody.

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

Mom and Dad are usually the first people we answer to. In my case it was the two of them. The indivisible front. You could not "divide and conquer" them, which was problematic in the teen years. The folks are the ones who should set boundaries and limits. It is not until one is older that you realize that it was for your own well being. Because when you are young, you are ignorant. Some of us grow out of it... Others... Well, where do you think Republicans come from?

There was an experiment done at a new school. The recess yard was an open field. Some sprinkled playground equipment here and there. The kids would mostly huddle by the door. If teachers would go to a piece of equipment, the kids would utilize it. The next year, a fence was erected around the equipment and a ways out from the building. The kids would scatter and be found in every corner, every square inch, of the fenced in area.

Kids need and WANT boundaries. They thrive within them... Within REASON. You can smother a kid with them as well...

Having a mother who had witchy powers like I did (She was born on Friday the 13th for fuck's sake), I knew who was boss. I pushed the limits for the majority of my formative years, but I also knew when playtime was over. I can now walk through a mall and point out which parents have won the battle of wills, and which parents have lost the battle of wills.

There is, of course, the over compensation to worry about. I have seen parents who I would consider abusive, not physically, but emotionally and mentally... Those aren't parents, they are wardens.

"Who?"

A lot of people answer to a "higher power". I tried and got tired of getting nothing back. If a absentee deity works for you, enjoy your one sided convo. I will enjoy porn and bacon without having to ask forgiveness.

"Bueller? Bueller?"

Educators have a shitty, shitty job. There is no other way to put it... Every grade represents a unique set of challenges.

Kindergarten, the kids want to go home and do not understand this concentration camp that has usurped their cartoon watching... And who is this large person telling me that I have to take a nap. Only Mom tells me to. WTF? Oh... Graham crackers and milk? Well, you make a good argument...

1st - 4th Grades... Kids start developing personalities. In other words, assholes and bitches appear. In the later grades, they also start learning that teachers have limitations... This does not bode well. 5th grade is usually the last of the elementary grades. These kids know the terrain. They are the big dogs.

6th grade, the rules change... WTF happened to Recess??? What do you mean we are not exchanging Valentine Cards??? I saved and decorated this shoe box for nothing? This place sucks!!!!

7th and 8th grade... Boys notice girls. Girls notice boys. Whole new ballgame. Teachers say this is where kids lose their way... More so that boys become preoccupied with boobs, girls with shoes...

High School - Kids are so fed up with everybody always telling them what to do, it is at a tipping point. Hormones raging, the feeling of knowing everything, and the innate, human yearning for independence are the ingredients for a run of the mill teenager... Who will proclaim with vehemence the "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!!"... Except everyone who has been there. They do get so pissy when you laugh at them.

The inspiration for this week's blog came from an old memory. An ex-Neice in Law, X2 (Second ex-wife) Clan I believe, was having trouble at school. Her mom asked me to talk to her. "Why me?". "She thinks you are the least grown up grown up." I could not argue that logic.

"What is the problem, kid?"

"My teachers are soooo stupid."

"Little doofus, I say this with the utmost sincerity... You will encounter people in positions of authority over you that are complete fucking morons for the majority of your life. These people will determine if you get PAID!!! YOU have to learn how to deal with them. Think of school as your free education in how to play the system and deal with the phalanx of idiocy you with, without fail, encounter."

"Would you like fries with that?"

In your life, I would hope that you have had what I like to call "Process of Elimination Jobs". I worked as a dishwasher, and soon discovered that there was no way in hell I wanted to be a dishwasher for the rest of my life. I worked in a lumber yard... And I discovered that, while a hellacious workout, it was a young man's game.

At these jobs, there are these people. These people have a slew of different titles... Manager. Supervisor. Senior Associate. Craig. The names and faces change, but there are the archetypes of bosses you have to answer to... Here are a few examples:

1) The Higher-Up Pleaser. This person could not give one shit about you. They usually will let you know it. You are meat for their grinder, to grease the wheels of their meteoric rise up the ranks. Do your job, but understand that any going above and beyond will be co-opted by this douche. It was their doing... Not yours.

2) The Drill Sergeant. This job is their life. How can it not be yours as well??? Any discrepancy will be considered as a personal affront to them. The paycheck should be seen as a vulgarity, because the WORK is reward, in and of itself. These people are three flavors of bat shit crazy.

3) The Short Timer. This boss has already checked out. It will be the most fun job you will have. Ever. Sadly... When the short timer does leave, they are usually replaced by one of the types already listed.

4) The Owner. Owners fall into a couple of subcategories. The owner who has a thriving business, and the struggling owner. Struggling owners resemble #2... but you can understand because it IS their life... Thriving types are pretty laid back, and can't be a #1, because they ARE the higher up. If they do it right, you will feel compelled to help them out, because you feel like it will help you out in the long run. Or they are going to completely fuck you, squarely in the ass. Been there, done that. Best of luck!

One thing I noticed when in the USAF, which is a whole other blog on "authority"... is the adherence to the "Chain of Command". I found if you took action without consulting your immediate superior, two outcomes were possible. If said action made your immediate superior look good, you showed "initiative". If said action made the immediate superior look bad, you "went outside the chain of command, maggot."

"Did you skip 'obey', Padre?"

If you are human, you will probably seek out another person to swap fluids with. This person will make you feel good... until they don't... That is why the word "NEXT!" was invented...

If you are in an exclusive, committed relationship, you SHOULD answer to your significant other. That does NOT mean you have to call them at lunch when in line at JJ's to ask them what kind of sandwich you want. This has transpired. In front of me. I wanted to ask the guy what color was the purse his wife kept his balls in. Does he get to see them every once and a while?

A relationship works well when you, confronted with a decision that could possibly effect  the life of your significant other, TALK TO YOUR  PARTNER! A relationship works like a fucking champ when BOTH PARTIES do this.

Think of it as self imposed authority. This is why you should have someone in your life that compliments the areas where you are not so smart. X3 (third ex wife - which does NOT exclude me from being smart about relationships!) was damn good at handling money. When I met her, I was a tad more "frivolous"... Under her reign, I had an allowance... And it was probably for the best.

If you call someone your "partner"... Treat them as such. Don't agree to stuff that impacts them without consulting them. It is a dick/bitch move.

"You look like shit!"

Out of all the people you have to answer to in your life, the one you can not escape from is the person you see everyday. Unless you are blind... then... you can't read this anyway. So, suck it.

Everyone answers to the person they see everyday in the mirror. If you can't look at yourself in the mirror, you are not right with you, and shit has got to change, Kemosabe.

We have all done something we are not proud of. In my case, "something" is not gonna cut it... More like "a fuck ton of shit"... For a while, I avoided mirrors. I didn't like who I had become. I was not a good person. I was at a crossroads of epic proportions. Then I met a chick (who later became X1). I would like to say that everyone lived happily ever after, but that ain't how the story goes.

A wise man said "To Thine Own Self Be True"... That man was Captain Kangaroo. There have been many variations on that theme... Katt Williams is fond of saying, "You gots to take care of your Star Player."

I think back to what the 103rd Master of Sinanju said to his pupil who was afraid of heights... "Fear is just a feeling. You feel hot. You feel hungry. You feel afraid. Fear can never kill you. Purge your mind of fear and believe in yourself. Without that belief, I can do nothing with you."

This guy also claimed, "Professional assassination is the highest form of public service." Love that guy!

The point is, live a life that makes you like what you see in the mirror. String enough of those days together and you feel pretty damn good. Believe in yourself.

________________________________________

So, we all have to answer to somebody. Besides yourself, who you give that power to... Well, as I say repeatedly... "Choices, choices".

Ain't seen daylight since the start of this band,

d

This blog brought to you by Halestorm, System of A Down, Hermans' Hermits, Ray Charles, Metallica, The entire Guardians of the Galaxy Soundtrack in order... I do so dig it, Kid Rock, The Beatles, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, Buddy Holly & the Crickets, Twisted Fucking Sister, Weird Al, Ozzy Osbourne, Fleetwood Mac, Aerosmith, Disturbed, The Four Tops, Stormtroopers Of Death, and Robert Plant + Alison Krauss.

Why I...

Write.

I write because it is a nice way to express what I am feeling. These blogs are as much for me as they are you. I am finding it challenging to come up with new rants, mainly because the same shit keeps happening. No one likes a broken record.

I also want people to know that I try to always cite sources, link to the places I get numbers or stats, and do my best not to blatantly rip off or plagiarize anyone else. I also understand that in the black and white cases, it's hard to be a different shade of black... I have avoided topics and certain things because I have seen them covered on "Last Week Tonight" with John Oliver, and he does it so brilliantly, that I wonder why I do this at all.

The one thing I took away from being a philosophy major (for about a month), was that we are constantly integrating information, environmental influences, and thoughts and feelings into our own personal philosophy. It is a continual process of being introduced to new pieces of information that you break apart and either allow it to change your thoughts and feelings on a subject, or you summarily dismiss it as complete bullshit.

This process is one of the myriad reasons I enjoy getting visits from the folks. Mom's optimism and spirituality, offset by Dad's pessimism and general curmudgeonly attitude, leaves me sorting through the discussions we have. Incorporating things I agree and liken to, letting stuff I disagree go down the drain...

I usually say goodbye to them knowing Mom just wants me to be happy, Dad does not want to pay for it. All is good in the 'Verse.

 I write because someone I trusted and made me trust in myself said I should. I believed them.

Code.

It is simple to say I write computer code for the same reason a bank robber robs banks. It is where the money is at. I do get paid to program. I am a professional and what not.

There is a subtle art and signature to everyone's code. I came into the job I have now and was handed a legacy system that four other developers had had their hands in... The code was a patchwork mess. I ended up rewriting the entire system. Mostly to gain system knowledge, but almost as importantly, to put my own nuance on the code.

It was a weird feeling to be able to read the code and determine which of the developers had written the page. "Ah... this page has it C, B, then A... Whatsername wrote it..." That is how personalized code is.

There is also an elegance and artistic side to coding. You take the time to figure out the most elegant solution. A problem could have four or five ways of getting taken care of... but what is the most efficient, elegant, and sometimes most challenging solution???

When I see an app, site, or system... I do not see it as it is presented. I am breaking down the elements. I am visualizing the table structures in the database back end... I am reverse engineering the queries... Good times... I get intellectually erect... 

Now, while I like to write code, I see it much like I do all my previous occupations... If I am not getting paid to do it, well... as the Joker so brilliantly remarked, "If you're good at something, never do it for free." When I was a dishwasher, I did not do dishes when I came home. When I was a mechanic, "No, I will not work on your car for free." (the later depending on how hot they were...). When I get home, the computer is an entertainment vessel... Nothing more.

I code because it pays the bills and I am good at it.

Ride.

I ride a single gear bicycle. I ride it at a decent pace. I am a fan of rituals, of the process of something. I never want to try heroin for this very reason... The whole preparation aspect of it has an appeal... Getting ready for a ride is a process, a ritual that I undertake. A sign on the door entering my gym says, "Just showing up is half the battle." Once done with my pre-flight check, the only thing left to do is start pedaling.

The health aspects are pretty much a known deal. I have an app that will inform me of my progress. Distance, time, and mph... Which is a double edged sword. In a certain stretch, I hit a lot of stop signs, so my mph drops... So next stretch, I bust my ass trying to get it back up. Good times.

A couple of peeps have seen my posted results on the ol' Facebook and remarked positively. Then they hear that I am doing it with one gear and then my sanity comes into question.

I like the single gear because you never have to answer the questions, "Am I in the right gear?". The answer would always be "Yes" or "Do I need to shift to a higher/lower gear?", the answer would always be "No" In riding, I feel connected to my conveyance more so then any other. I love the one-ness with the bike. I do not love the one-ness with asphalt or concrete though...

When done, the helmet comes off. The gloves come off. The shoes and socks are kicked off. The soaked shirt and shorts get peeled off. I stand in front of the fan for about 15 to 20 minutes. Another ritual... This weekend's ride, I had the folks visiting. So I made small talk... basting in my own juices as it were... Dad said, and I am paraphrasing, "You look like you want to die. Glad you enjoy it..." The fatigue, soreness and general nausea... Nothing compared to making the road my bitch.

I ride because I want to sweat out the demons...

Love Music.

These things I do... The separate "Why I"s... Could not be accomplished without music. I listen to a minimum of 4 hours of music a day... Look below the sign off on all my blogs... I could not sit in silence and pound this shit out... I need tunes. When writing, I have literally been reminded of an event, appropriate to the post because a song was playing.

Being a listener since I can remember, a lot of memories have a soundtrack. If I hear that song again, I can recall, with great ease, the accompanying memory. The intertwined nature is only bested by sense of smell... And it is a close contest.

When coding, I will type to the rhythm or beat of a song... There are times when you need to pound out some code and Simon & Garfunkel will not do... As my old boss used to say, "Dougie, gimme something to get the job done." "White Zombie, coming up."

When I ride, I have a playlist specifically for riding. If I was trying to kick for a mile, and fucking "Ob La Di,  Ob La Da" came on, I would have to stop and jab an ice pick in my ears. Or hit the "Next" on the player. No... I need something with a tad more, "Fuck You" to it. That does not mean to say it is all "angry"... It just has to have drive. A pushing tone. A challenging manner.

"Red Barchetta" by Rush would be one that I would like to shuffle upon. It starts out slow... meandering. I would used this build up to plot out my stretch. For the bulk of the song is a musical car chase. The imagery created by those three geniuses, makes you feel the wind on your face. When riding, the wind is there already... and when the chase starts, I would be gone...

Drive like the wind.

Straining the limits of machine and man.

Laughing out loud with fear and hope.

I've got a desperate plan.

My nights, usually spent chatting with friends from all over the country, has a soundtrack... And sometimes, I will broadcast it out on the interwebs. Round about 2 hours a night... Just sitting back, shooting the breeze, and listening to tuneage. It is just like I used to do in Duncanville driveways, Augusta parks and in front of the middle school on State. St., in McChord AFB common rooms and hangar parties, and now... Everywhere.

Music has always been and will always be my companion, unobtrusive,

d

This blog brought to you by Pearl Jam, Stevie Ray Vaughn ("Fly on, Little Wing"), Steve Vai, Stevie Wonder, Butthole Surfers, The Beatles, Anthrax, System of A Down, Foo Fighters, Limp Bizkit, Van Halen, Iron Maiden, Ugly Kid Joe, Tool (THE EGGS OF SATAN!!!), 16 Volt, Korn, Faith No More, Soft Cell, Megadeth, Def Leppard, Lords of Acid, and Ministry.

Oh My Mictlantecuhtli

I know this will be off putting to some of you. I would say I am sorry... but I would be lying.

I do not believe in "God".

I am not Agnostic, where I think there is a higher power, just not gonna label it (hoping not to piss it off). I do not think there is anything but the big ol' Universe. I have said many times, "Universe got jokes." Personification of something expansive and/or conceptual, such as the Universe, is just a matter of scaling it down for comprehension.

I am an Atheist. I do not believe in any of the millions of deities that have come and been led across the river Styx by Charon... Essentially, my Christian, Muslim, and Jewish friends, I went one god further. You do not believe in Lloth, Thor, Zeus, Apollo, Mars, Daikoku, Amen Ra... Neither do I! We have so much in common. I am 100% Atheist, you are 99.9999999999% Atheist!

I also will throw out a "Goddammit". I will sprain eye muscles by rolling them so hard and letting out an "ohhhhh my gahhhhhh-duh"... This usually happens when a Republican is talking...

This is the same thing as before... scaling it down for matters of comprehension. It is much easier to say, "oh my god", vs. "Oh my non-existent deity with whom many identify as their savior" or "oh my Itzananohk'u" (patron god of the Lacandon people).

In this blog, I will do my darnedest to not pick on any one religion... But since I am surrounded by Christians... They may take the brunt of this... And be used as examples versus other belief systems.

My history of religious experience is not all that encompassing. I went to summer bible camps once or twice... Pledged my soul to Jesus Christ. By doing so, I was rewarded with Lego's. If Satan had a better deal, or just more Lego's...

I remember my weariness of religion and religious people being exemplified by the kid across the street in Duncanville, TX. (He STILL LIVES THERE! No, not in the same town... In the SAME HOUSE!). We will call this person "David". I was 12 years old or so and out stretching my legs, having just watched 4 or 5 hours solid of Bruce Lee flicks...

David, about the same age (plus or minus one year), was taking roof shingles, folding them up into about four inch squares and whipping them, like Chinese stars at his two neighbors girls who were playing in their front yard and were maybe 5 and 7 years old. I proceeded to make my case that he better knock it the fuck off. He whipped another one... I moved closer and added, "Or Else." He then flicked one at me, welting my shoulder.

I delivered the cleanest and most beautiful kicks to the throat of my life... It was a thing of beauty. Bruce Lee would have given me the raised fist of, "HELLS YES! THAT'S HOW YOU KICK A THROAT!". David proceeded to grasp his throat, make a "pig-squeal" noise and run inside his house. 5 minutes or so later out came his Dad. Deacon of a church, I think... Could give a rat's ass. He judged me right there and then, "You Hellbound Sinner!" The mother of the two girls gave me ice cream. Guess whose opinion I valued more?

My sojourn to religious freedom then moved, as I did, to Augusta, Kansas. Think rural... Now rewind your watch back 10 years... Think "Footloose", without the humor. Oh, we were like peas and carrots!

We moved out to the country. Six miles from town. I learned that we would be burning trash. You get a 55 gallon drum, put your trash in it, set that shit on fire. Being from the city, not understanding the whole deal... And Kansas being a tad windy... Little embers were flying around. I, thinking of a hundred acre fire being blamed on little ol' me, tried desperately to stomp out the offending sparks.

About a week or so later, I get called to the principal's office. A guy from Topeka, Child Social Services, asks me, point blank, "Are you a Satanist?". Now... upon reflection... I should have said "According to the First Amendment of the Constitution of these United States, I can honestly say 'None of your fucking business.'", but, at most, I think I uttered a "No?".

My friends Dad, yet another Deacon in some stupid church, was driving by and saw me "Dancing around the Satanic flames of a ritual". Great. So rumor got spread around real, REAL, quick about my visit from the State... I played that shit up for all it was worth. If a nice young lady wanted to piss off her folks... Guess who she went to?

By the time I was 18, I was done with organized religion. I was probably 80% Agnostic, 20% Atheist at this point... I didn't think there was a higher power, but I WANTED there to be. Would explain some of the stupidity in the world...

The best example I have ever heard falling out of religion was in Kevin Smith's "Dogma"...

"He (Cleric) said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled."

Or like me, give up the Kool Aid all together. For me, knowledge (you know... the FORBIDDEN FRUIT) about the time and place where these supposedly holy texts were written, proved to be too convenient...

Why is pork outlawed in some of the most prominent religions? Back in the day, there was no refrigeration. Meat would go bad... Guess what meat goes bad quicker and can kill your ass if you are not careful? Less people equals less tithes. "NO BACON FOR YOU!!!!" "PORK CHOPS ARE BLASPHEMY!!!". See where this is going?

Homosexuality is on par with a ton of abominations in the bible... My favorite being "A Proud Look"... That is an abomination... Say you just completed a super hard Sudoku... Feeling pretty good about yourself??? Same thing as sucking a dick if you are a dude!!! Ladies, did you wear slacks? You might as well sleep with your dog... Same thing... an "abomination". I do get so tired of people who cherry pick which parts of the bible make them holier than me.

Once identified as an Atheist, people assume I am a man of Science. Sorta... kinda... I trust more in science's ability to say "I don't know. Let me question more." This is in direct opposition to the religion standard of "If you don't know, IT WAS GOD! DO NOT QUESTION!!! And if you do, then God is just so far advanced, you won't be able to comprehend it anyway, so don't hurt your head. Give me money."

I have debated this with many a religious folk. An old teacher friend tried the "Young one, you can't see or touch love, much like you can't see or touch God."

My reply, "I have concrete proof of love... You welcomed me into your home. You let me sit at your family table. You shared your food with me. You let me alone with your daughter... Foolish as that was... If that is not love, then I do not know what is."

I will never attack someone's faith. In the same vein, I will not be accosted over my non-belief. If someone states "This is what I believe, and it gives me a sense of peace and calm." AWESOME! Good on ya! Sadly, more often than not, they will then say "You need to...." or "You should..." do x, y, or z.... THAT is when I will attack and destroy whatever belief system they hold dear. It is not an attack. It is retaliation for their affront on me.

I will also let them know that I think teaching children any religion before the age of at least 13 is tantamount to abuse. The reason why they have Sunday school??? Same as big Tobacco's use of cool characters aimed at young people... Get 'em while they are young. Impressionable. There are no "Christian Children", there are no "Muslim Children", there are no "Jewish Children". There are "Children of Religious Parents".

I have held off this blog because it is so divisive. Religion is such a personal thing. I would like more of the religions types to keep it that way. Personal. Inside Internal. A lot of you guys got big ol' houses with lower case "t"s on top... Go there.

The reason my cup runneth over was because I was on another site's forum... A thread about the suicide of Robin Williams was started. A douche wrote,

"He had everything men seek. So what depresses a soul who's life seems ultra full? In my view it has to be a lack of a true and honest connection to God. For it seems so few people of faith ( devoted faith of any persuasion)..kill themselves. The Spiritual seems to be the missing piece."

That pissed me off. Islamic Extremists kill themselves with Teddy Bear vests... No wait... SUICIDE VESTS...  Christians shoot doctors and murder their children in bathtubs. He took a serious condition and made it one of superstition.

Just so you know, you can't pray away depression. You can't baptize away an addictive personality. You can't Tom Cruise away a chemical imbalance in yer head...

I really do not like religion. It is what holds us back. It will destroy us. It is a leash. It is control.

Peace be unto you, I am good (without god),

d

This blog brought to you by Gene Chandler, Marilyn Manson, The Beatles, Van Halen, Metallica, Jane's Addiction, Cake, Bob Marley and The Wailers, Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, Serj Tankian, Jimmie Vaughn, Pink Floyd, Weird Al, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Halestorm, Taco (guess which song, dare ya!), The Beach Boys, Slipknot, Billy Joel, and Duane Eddy! Twangy!