Vinyl

I have a nice little vinyl collection. LPs, records, stax o' wax, what have ya.

Why? There is no need for an analog format. Everything is 1's and 0's, pardner! Digital... Not just for porn anymore!

My reasons are as follows...

1) It sounds better. I don't know if this is actually true or not but it just is. I blew out my higher hearing functions tailgating C-130's as they taxied on auxiliary runways. (Yes, we would see how close we could get. The Brazilians practically dared us to drive up the ramp once... That would have been difficult to explain to the Colonel.)

It seems like the vinyl soaked in the soul, the essence, of the music in those grooves... It was more personal. Not like the cold, flat CD's and the non-tactile mp3 format.

2) The Physicality. You have to interact. You have to hold it just right. There is a little sexual innuendo in finding the hole in the middle. You have to drop the needle. You have to get up off your ass and flip the record.

When you get a used one, you have to inspect for warping and scratches. You have to bring it home and make a solution of rubbing alcohol and water and break out the cleaning brush... And then pour a drink and listen.

3) Halfsies. Albums were divided in to sides. You could love a side of an album and loathe the other side. PRIME EXAMPLE... Rush's "Moving Pictures", Side 1. "Tom Sawyer", "Red Barchetta", "YYZ", and "Limelight"... Probably the most complete and awesome first side of an album in all of musicdom. The second side? I would rather make Ex-Lax and Broken Glass Cookies (I got the recipe!), eat said cookies while having Mitt Romney shove pineapples up my rectum. Okay, that may be a tad extreme... I just don't like side two, okay? And you are welcome for the visual.

Van Halen's "1984", Side B... "Hot For Teacher", "I'll Wait", "Girl Gone Bad", and "House of Pain"... Sonically erect!!! I love a great deal of the Van Halen catalog, but if I could only listen to one side of a Van Halen album, forsaking all others.... I would choose this one.

4) Hisses and Pops. You will never hear these on an mp3 or CD... Sometimes it would get so bad and you would see a tuft of cat hair or dust on the needle. This reminds me off something these millennial bastards will never probably hear... a dial tone. Think about that. Mind = blown.

5) Liner notes. These were writings and scribblings on the sleeves that held the records. You got these with some CD's, but some of the print caused more lens corrections and prescriptions for glasses to be issued. PRIME EXAMPLE - Metalllica's "Master of Puppets" (aka "Greatest Album of All Time") -

"Also xtra fucken yahooz to... Carlsberg Bevees, Sushi, Absolut Vodka, Alka Seltzer, The Young Ones, Remoulade, Skykow, Boom Shankar, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and most of all... Edna!!!"

Who the fuck is Edna???!!!??? We did not have Google back in '86... It was a giant mystery. You just knew Edna had to be a bad ass to get the mention and italicized!

666) Backwards messages. With a record you could manually spin it backwards. This allowed two things...a) Preachers to find shit that was not there and b) the birth of scratching. Both have their merits. Preachers finding Satanic messages led to the birth of the PMRC (That and Tipper Gore's daughter allegedly masturbating to Prince's "Darling Nikki"*). The scratching phenom manifested along with the rise of hip hop and rap. My brother and I completely ruined a Bryan Adam's "Cuts Like A Knife" LP trying to master the art... Don't judge me.

The PMRC forced the labeling of records that were decreed vulgar, obscene and dangerous. In other words, it let me know which ones I wanted/had to buy.

7) The Hunt. As a comic book guy, I could go to a row of long-boxes, and be quite content going through each box, book by book, for hours on end... Finding that rhythm of flipping through, looking for that hidden treasure. That one diamond in the rough that would complete my collection. I can do the same at a record store. I am welcomed by the cardboard smell as I let my fingers to the walking...

There are a few LPs I would love to get my hands on... And the fact is, I could go out to Amazon and procure each and every one of them... But to deny myself the hunt??? Get out of here with that noise. Finding Lenoard Nimoy's "Mr. Spock's Music From Outer Space" was especially awesome... Dunno why...

With the recent rash of reissues and remasters, I am picking up one record a month or so. Filling out some small gaps in certain artists. I am a supporter of getting kids to learn to respect the physical representation of the music. Handle it with a sense of caution and awe.  They don't just press play or double click it...

There was a ritual I had back in the day (Usually a Sunday - Not a Wednesday). When I would finish cleaning my apartment in Waxahachie, TX, I would draw a bath. I would pour two fingers of Lagavulin. I would light a candle. I would break out my Pink Floyd's "The Wall" LP. I would pick a side. I would drop the needle. I would decompress and gird my loins for the upcoming week.

I was raised on vinyl. I was surrounded by it. My Mom's collection was something to be envied. There was a contest on the oldies station in Dallas back in the 80's... "If you can request something we don't have in our music vault, you win!". I forget the prize, but they told Mom to stop calling...

I turned 10.

I turned 12.

I was 16. CD's and Cassettes had KO'd the beloved vinyl. I would still dub Mom's collection onto tape...

Yeah, love me some vinyl.

Pardon me while I burst into flames,

d

This blog brought to you by Incubus' "Make Yourself", Black Sabbath's "13", and The Pixies "Wave of Mutliation". All procured this weekend on Vinyl.

*Note to Self - Rumor has it the Foo Fighters cover "Darling Nikki" at some of their shows. Must youtube!

Lighter Faire

I know I promised lighter topic/postings following the Class Warfare diatribe... And I apologize about the last one. I just had to get some of that off my chest.

Now then... The thing coming up I am truly happy for is Scarborough Renaissance Festival (AKA and hereto-forthwith referred to as "Scarby").

The two links will give you all the pertinent details on the proceedings and what not. In this post I will relay some of my feelings and history.

The first time I went, was maybe 2004 or 2005. After getting divorced from X2* I moved down to Waxahachie to be closer to work. I was spending my Saturday doing something I excel at. I was making chocolate chip cookies.

My family has a long tradition of making the cookies. The recipe has been handed down throughout the centuries. My ancestor, off a distant branch of the family tree in some far away land, was housed near a bridge. She was asked by the local council to collect a surcharge for people wanting to transport goods across said bridge.

One day, the municipality asked her to collect double the required fee. She knew that would be met with a modicum of resistance and more then a bit of ire. She, in her infinite wisdom  decided to inform the weary tradesmen of the inflation and give them a cookie to soften the bad news. Soon word spread across the countryside of Abigal Nestle's cookies... At the Nestle Toll House. The recipe can be found on the back of their chips, yo.

Sorry.

Anywhoozle, I was making cookies, and my friend Elroy called and queried, "What are you doing?"

"Making cookies."

"Bringing 'em into work?"

"Yeah."

"Cool... But you are becoming a shut in. You need to get out. Come with me and Lilith to Scarby."

"WTF is Scarby? Is this a Simon & Garfunkel cover band or some shit?"

So I went. I felt out of place for about 2 seconds. There is something that happens when you pass under the arches... You can have as much fun as you want to put into it.

Climate

The atmosphere is fantastically soothing. You head a harp and a mandolin in the distance, just playing... maybe a song, maybe just filling the air with pleasing background noise. People in fantastic costumes, ranging in all manner of price, detail, and just plain love put into them. The myriad smells as you walk around are an olfactory locator to me having been so many times. The roasted nuts, the soap hawkers, the camel & elephant rides, and the smell of spring in Texas.

You can walk the main circuit and you will see friends from previous seasons. You can pick a table, and may be joined by some others, and the conversations start. Hours go by. Everyone is friendly and helpful, everyone is there to have a good time. Basically, an armed society is a POLITE society... If two dudes bump into each other, "HEY, WATCH WHERE YER GOIN!" - "WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"...

Put visible weaponry on the same two gents, "Apologies, good sir" - "No no, a thousand pardons from you, Sir"

It is the best place in the world to do horrible British accents, and I fall into Jack Sparrow speak almost instantly... The mead helps... More on that nectar later...

Shops

There is art. There is craftsmanship. There are demonstrations of said crafts. If you go in with zero "garb", or costuming and props, you can get fully outfitted rather quickly. And yes, it can get expensive. Again, you get out what you put in.

The cats selling their wears, they do this almost year round. That is it. This is their passion and their livelihood. Granted, more than a few are retirees... Others are not "suited" to a 9 to 5 lifestyle. All had a calling to the gypsy road. There is a strong sense of community among the vendors.

My personal garb goes as follows... 1 pair of high leather boots, 2 pair of tights, 1 pair pirate pants, 1 three inch leather belt, 1 leather sporran (Renaissance fanny pack - but cooler.), 1 war sword, 1 Kukri blade, 1 flogger,  2 purple heart wooden mugs (one spare), 3 or 4 puffy sleeved period shirts, 1 wide brimmed leather hat with feathers. Various accouterments... Yeah, there be some cash invested, yo.

The highest compliment I got was last season. A little girl, 4 or 5 wanted a picture with me because I was all decked out in garb.

Acts

As for entertainment, there are five or six bigger stages and about 10 to 15 smaller venues. The acts will let you know before hand the age range of appropriateness that their show encompasses. Family friendly is easily found. Adults only shows are just as easily found.

My Top Five Do Not Miss... In no particular order...

1) Christophe The Insultor - You give him money. He insults whoever you want. The more you give him, the worse your target gets it. At the end of the show, he does a "Grand Finale". This is where some poor bastard is picked and EVERYBODY can throw in on the insult.

Story - True this time - I took X3 out to Scarby on our second or third date. Elroy's girlfriend thought it would be cute to get me insulted... Threw a 20 spot on me... Sadly, X3 and I were chatting with ol' Christophe before the show and he clearly recognized me... So, all in all, was not too scathing.

Grand finale time... Elroy's girlfriend gets picked... and got an over $350 insult thrown on her... Was completely brutal... Cries of "Mercy!" were being bandied about... At one point there was a correlation between her and Snow White, but only because he saw her getting tag teamed by seven midgets... Yeah... Ouch. I think I peed a little I was laughing so hard...

2) Daniel, Duke of Danger - Same reason you watch NASCAR. Always catch on windy days! They get "interesting". Family friendly but not insulting.

3) Iris and Rose - Wild and Thorny... Very tawdry songs. PG-13... ish...

4) Arthur Greenleaf Holmes - Wildly inappropriate poetry... If you are lucky, you will get "I Built My Love A Menstrual Hut".

5) Fire Whip Show - Fire. Check. Whips. Check. What more do you require?

I could do a top 20... easily... There are dozens upon dozens of other acts to catch... and you should. Birds of Prey is quite spectacular. And very importantly, don't be a dick and if you enjoy the show, throw some cash the performers way. They entertain, you throw some love. Deal?

Although not an "act", it is something to witness... The Parade.


Food

Scotch egg. A hard boiled egg, wrapped in a cocoon of sausage, and bread crumbs, then FRIED! Hells yes. There is just about fried "anything you want". The turkey legs are a meal for four... I have a couple places I go... A bakery to the right of the entry is where I get a turkey provolone pastry thingy... Hell, I get two.

Lunch is usually the aforementioned Scotch Egg. In the afternoon, usually before I exit the realm, I snag some deep fried mushrooms. This is usually to counter act the next topic...

Mead

Fermented honey usually cut with pear or apple juice. Sweet but not sickeningly so. And seductive... You can drink and drink and then... oh shit... Jack Sparrow Mode Engaged... thas Capt'n Jack, Love. I only imbibe this glorious, golden liquid during the Faire... I know my willpower... and I know where I would cave...

Ritual

I am a creature of habit to some extent. I enjoy the method of a thing. I enjoy the comfort of knowing what to expect. I am not rigid in my process that I will get in a full on Rain Man snit or anything.

I like getting there about 15 minutes before they "THROW OPEN THE GATES!!!" (Inside joke. Boom.) You spend your time by your chariot, getting garbed up. Making sure you have everything you need. Double checking that you have everything you need. I make my way in, hit my Turkey and Provolone... And then some mead... Scotch Egg at some point.. And then it all fades away. I walk where I wanna go. See what I wanna see. Do what I feel compelled to do. The only schedule is one decided upon by a group, and even then it is all voluntary... The Epitome of Chill.

There have been days where Elroy and I have hit show after show... Catching as many as we could. There was that one day where we sat and drank mead... Literally all day... I sat for two or three hours in the parking lot... Still prolly should not have driven.

Weekends starting April 5th running through Memorial Day.

Faire thee well,

d

This blog brought to you by Jimi Hendrix Experience, the Polyphonic Spree,  System of A Down, Led Zeppelin, Otis Redding, Marilyn Manson, Mr. Big ("Hold on little girl... Show me what he's done to you.", ahh), Steve Vai, PUSA, Iron Maiden, DISCO KISS!, Foo Fighters, Korn, Tenacious D, Metallica, Bob Marley & The Wailers ("Waiting in Vain" - Preach, Mon!), The Cars, Percy Sledge, Krokus.


* The X's - X1 is my first ex-wife. X2 is the second. X3 is, YOU GUESSED IT!, the third and final X3.

They know who they are...

I used to say that with an ominous tone. They, the people of my derision, were aware that they had wronged me and, more importantly, they knew that I KNEW!

Now, I use that term with a respectful connotation.

I recently was in a relationship. It was a long distance one. In this day of modern communication, we were never out of touch really, and, if so desired, able to see each other via cams. My notion regarding a LDR was they could only work if they had an agreed to termination date of the "LD" part...

Hooray past tense!

There were differences. There were expectations (mainly on said termination date). Both were amplified exponentially by distance. That and lack of touch and naked time was a real bitch.

For every concern and difference, there were points and counter points... However, with the distance looming and our time together seeming to be shorter and shorter, less sustaining... Before it would drive us koo koo for Cocoa Puffs, we decided to cease the relationship. Last night, we did the band aid scenario. Brutal and quick... And yes, my heart hurts. Ouch, baby. Very ouch. My greatest regret being that I hurt her... But by ending it, did I spare us time, travel, money, and greater heartache? I know I will be asking myself that to the day I die.

The universe, being the silly bastard that it is, has jokes... This morning, as I kicked on my alarm clock radio to the oldies station, to get my douche on*, "Lonesome Loser" by the Little River Band was playing... I had my knife in my hand and was looking forward to alarm clock radio shopping... But, I stopped short of chrono-homicide.

I went into work, holding it together, skipping songs left and right that would lay me low on a good day... On the way home, my phone (sync'd to my car's system) hit me with Black Sabbath's "Changes"... I cried.

She was my woman
I loved her so
But it's too late now
I've let her go.

Thanks, Ozzy.

I have never been in a situation where the relationship ceased when it was still, in my mind, burgeoning... Where I loved her and she loved me...

I hold absolutely no ill will towards this person. Very much the opposite. She is one of the few people on this planet with whom I opened my heart fully. She was kind and generous with it, and did me no wrong. And I know for a fact that my love is daunting. It is complete and whole. This is why my reservation to fall in love is so great.... And my desire to do so is just as wanting. JUXTAPOSITION!!!!

She is the most together person I have ran into, in a long, long time. She has her ways and she has her life. Like her, it is beautiful. I do not regret in any way, shape or form my inclusion into it. Her acceptance meant more to me then I could express with words... And I have a knack with those...

She knows who she is. And I do love her for it.

Goodnight, Sweet Lady,

d

This blog brought to you by Beck, Ozzy & Type O Negative covering Status Quo, Ennio Morricone, Mark Knopfler, The Beatles, Iron Butterfly, Iggy and the Stooges, System of A Down, Cake, Commander Cody, The Foo Fighters, Metallica and tears.

Author's Note:: In case you have not figured this out, this blog is my exorcising the demons in my head. I spew them out so they are not mine alone anymore. Share the load, friends!

* - Shower... One of the few cheese eating, surrender monkey language words I know...

Class Warfare, Parting Shot.

This is the end... My only friend, the end. Thanks, Jim Morrison.

In the first part I talked about taxes. More to the point on how the system is rigged for the wealthy to remain such and the poor to do the same. The rich are at the top of the heap... And they won't be happy until they have more. Well, until others are unable to attain the level they have amassed.

In the second part I waxed philosophically about the redistribution of wealth and concluded it will come about in a none too peaceful manner. Sooner, rather than later.

In the third part, I discussed the minimum wage debate. Ramifications of raising it will make the corporations, whose dime is earned on the backs of wage-slaves, make the choice of taking a hit on the bottom line, or making you and I pay for it. Noooo, that won't cause resentment directed towards some high school burger flipper.

In the third part, I mentioned crime. Kids today are inundated with images and depictions of people living the good life in "reality TV" (Which is not reality. Barely TV). The see someone young musician douche who is in the big house, has the fancy rides, and a nonstop party going on all around them.

For the benefit of argument, lets say this entertainer actually plays a musical instrument. His/Her ability is the sole reason for his/her success. They did not inherit his celebrity, like the Kardashian clan of worthlessness. He/She (No, not a Justin Bieber slam) did not have a sex tape stolen/leaked on purpose (again, like a Kardashian). No, they have actual talent.

What kids are NOT being shown is the YEARS, almost DECADES that person put into honing their craft. They played until their fingers bled. They practiced until they could not see straight. Then they practiced more. They fell asleep with the instrument in their hands.

The kids viewing the musician are not shown the many, many rejections and failures dished out. The barrage of "Your good, but not good enough" being accepted as a challenge, rather than a defeat. These parts are not paid attention to and glossed over.

Instant gratification is the name of the game for the youth. "Work Hard! Save Money! Someday you too can have it all!" is a mantra lost on them.

So, back to crime... Kids in no win situations... Surrounded by crime and the easy dollar. Seeing that crime DOES pay, along with a "Not gonna live forever" mentality, multiplied by the "I want it NOW because everyone else is rich and famous!" quotient... And you have the recipe for a criminal... Now, not all kids are like this, granted... But you see what I am saying.

So, young criminal gets busted. Felony charge. Loses their right to what?

Vote!

Looking at prison population statistics, it is clear that certain demographics get imprisoned at a higher rate. One could argue that it is because they committed the crime and got sentenced for it. True... But they can't afford a lawyer like Ethan Couch. Kid kills four and gets PROBATION? If you or I did that, Buh Bye. Jail time! If a African American killed 4 white people while drunk driving? IN TEXAS?

The justice system is skewed in favor of people of means (Not race, but means, which does usually translates to the ol' caucazoid!)... Comedian, and part time Prophet, Dave Chappelle did a nice skit once... A sort of "What if" on how it would look like if a drug dealer was treated like a CEO and a CEO was treated like a drug dealer. Way worth your time... Click here. Thank me later.

So, no justice. No means to enact change. Nothing being done by ANYONE to remedy the situation. Haves vs. have nots. You have rich, nay, filthy rich people comparing their "persecution" to the Jews in Nazi Germany. I can't make this stuff up! Mr. Perkins, if you want sympathy, look between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. You are not going to find it here.

As a writer once reminisced, "We waged war on poverty, not poor people." I submit to you that Class Warfare has already started. The first shots were fired a long, long time ago.

Was not born with enough middle fingers and I am pleading the fiz-ifth,

d

This blog brought to you by Jerry Cantrell, Marilyn Manson, The Doors, U2, Anthrax, Fleetwood Mac, Kid Rock, Dangerous Toys, Green Day, Alice In Chains, Incubus and White Zombie.

Class Warfare, Tres Hombres

Third part, and then a summary... Then it is back to some more lighthearted fare... Promise.

Minimum Wage

The big kerfuffle over raising the minimum wage baffles me. Congress will have no problem voting themselves an increase in pay, but to hell with that guy or gal who actually does their job. Congress had it's least productive year on record in 2013... 10% approval rating, 90% incumbency rate... I am telling you, vote knowing that.

The reasons against minimum wage? Well, they are kind of easy to list and just as easy to dismiss.

1) It will raise the cost of everything served by minimum wage workers!

So, your burger and fries will cost more? Call it a sin tax. And for the record, it will not be pimply faced teen raising the prices. No, that would be the Corporations. They would rather make you pay more for the stuff that will kill you vs. taking a minuscule dip on the bottom line of profits.

2) It would make people not want to progress further than a minimum wage job!

The people making this argument are the same who think that EVERYONE on welfare wants to stay there. These same people say, "GO GET A JOB!". So the person gets a job and still can't earn a living wage. Hell, they can't earn a surviving wage. And the glory of minimum wage employment... I have done it... My high school and college years were filled with "Process of Elimination Jobs". I learned I do not want to be a dishwasher, work in food service, be a dietary manager, nor a lumber yard worker... and Blockbuster doesn't exist anymore. Speaking of which...

3) "Back in my day..."

Who cares? Back in most people in Congress' day, a burger, fries, chocolate shake, tank of gas, four new tires, a snowmobile, and blowjob from that one hooker with the funky eye, had a lisp, calls everyone "Thurger", cost a nickel. Total.

Welcome to 2014. A "snack" sized bag of Doritos costs more then an entire meal use to. All one has to do to be outraged is look at how the food has gotten smaller, and the prices have never reduced. A Whopper from Burger King was a sort of graduation... You were a MAN when you saddled up to one of those bastards... And the BK in Duncanville, Texas on Cockrell Hill used to have them for .99 cents on Sundays. Not a "Jr. Whopper" mind you. No, full size, dinner plate encompassing monster. Great... Now I have a craving...

4) We should just abolish the minimum wage altogether!

Sure, we had that once. Was called slavery. And shit got super jacked up over it. Something tells me someone who says this will have a Southern accent, IQ equal to number of teeth multiplied by 3. I also envision tobacco juice stains on a wife beater and a mullet.

The reasons for an increase to the minimum wage?

1) People could live a tad better.

I know a lot of opponents to the raise could not care less how the other half lives, but if you have a soul, it is not to hard to understand that it would help.

2) It might entice people to stop sucking off the Government teet and get that job.

What is the incentive for a person to get off the dole? "Oh, so I can take shit all day and get paid crap on top of that? Where, oh where, do I sign???"

3) Crime.

This is a stretch, I grant you... But much like the previous point, maybe if there was an incentive to counter the illegal life... Probably not, but I would be willing to give it a go. Crime figures into the whole class warfare scenario, but that will be in the summation.

There are some companies who get it. Costco treats their people an assload better then Wal-Mart does. If I were to ever need five pounds of Mayo, I would go there before I go to Sam's Club.

In N' Out Burger pays their people more. They also have more stringent hiring policies. The places are super clean*, the staff attentive and helpful, always busy doing something. They have pride and it shines through. And for the record... Double Double, Animal Style, Protein Style, Cut in Half. Respek! Booyakasha!

Both proponents and opponents will bend and molest the statistics on the economics of it... Statistician's creed: "Numbers do not lie, but I can make them dance to any tune you want them to, if the money is right."

I really have no problem with raising the minimum wage. I think 15 bucks is a tad high. I LOVE the fairly elected President's plan of circumnavigating the constipation that is the Republican party. He set, by Executive Order**, the minimum wage of Government contract jobs at $10.10. That is a number I can live with. I personally think $11.11 would be better, but I am biased as that is my birthday.

Yes, the Republican Party - Blockage of compacted fecal matter, causing discomfort.

On that shockingly accurate description, I part with this little tidbit of wisdom... Don't you want the guy in charge of your food to be a happy camper?

Spitting on the burger of society,

d

* - When the 2nd ever In N' Out was set to be demolished, a guy went in and was blown away. He went in two days before it was set to close and everything was still impeccably clean and standards excelled at.

** - Obama has issued 168 thus far... The Retarded Cowboy, Bush Jr. did 173... IN HIS FIRST TERM! So, keep the "abuse of power" speeches to a duct taped murmur.

This blog brought to you by ZZ Top (of course... Look at the title, Silly), the Mighty Met, Alice in Chains unplugged, Led Zep, Iron Maiden, Iggy and the Stooges, Alison Krauss and Robert Plant, Halestorm, Kim Jon Il (He's so ronrey), the Stones, the Offspring (Covering the Ramones), Wolfmother, Alice Cooper, and Rash Rush.