A while back, the almond butter I usually snag got recalled. I think it was for Salmonella... Besides the obvious thought of "What salmon is eating almonds???", I was struck with the conundrum of "Do I return the jar I have already eaten out of or not?" Seeing as how this shit is damned expensive, I decided on getting the cash.
What am I needing almond butter for, you might ask? So, glad you did, by the way. Thanks.
I do the gym thingy, and sometimes when I do, my body will go into open rebellion the days following particularly brutal sessions. Walking funny, crying while trying to raise arms to shampoo hair, tying shoelaces becomes and endurance sport... Good times...
While there are a myriad post workout bars and edible proteins, a good friend (they know who they are) came across and shared a recipe with me for making a recovery treat. Almond butter, honey, chia seeds, gluten free Rice Krispies, and mini-chocolate chips. Mmmmmm, dee-lish.
ANYWHOOZLE... The grocery store I invade weekly has a barren space on the shelf normally occupied by the almond butter I throw down on. This, coupled with the fact I needed some other stuff, not offered at the one store, and I wanted to check on a particular Blu-ray, I found myself in another store. The date was 9/9/2014.
As I picked up the few stray items, I thought I would check this stores almond butter status. I get to the section, and while they do not have the brand I am accustomed to, they have others. I decide on a jar of this expensive stuff.
SIDE NOTE: For one jar, AND NOT A LARGE JAR AT THAT, of almond butter, I could buy about 7 boxes of assorted Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Wanna know why a third of Americans are obese? Because eating healthy is expensive as hell. How about we stop subsidizing Big Sugar? Just a thought...
The First Lady got criticized for saying school lunches should be healthier... And stating kids should limit their intake of carbonated beverages. "Don't you go'n tell me how feed my child!!! Now, after I give 'em their insulin shots... we gonna have wurds!!!!"
Thus endeth the side note...
I get home, and in my excitement of popping in "Captain America: The Winter Soldier", I hapahazardly put the groceries away. I remember the jar falling out of the bag... into the cupboard! I distinctly remember that because it was cool as hell. Could not have planned it better.
Here is where the plot thickens...
This Wednesday, I was gonna make a batch of the recovery treats. I know the day because I did upper body and 20 minutes on the damn stair machine (that is actually an escalator phobia inducing device). I begin to gather the ingredients, contorting fingers into dizzying arrays to maximize carrying capacity. The counter I am going to set them on is five feet away... but TWO TRIPS? I already worked out once today, thank you oh so mucking fuch! Don't judge.
So, phalanges straining, I am not finding the almond butter... Where is it? Ugh!!! I set the stuff on the counter, go back and bend down to inspect the shelf in question. This, being Wednesday, and payday being Thursday, the shelf had maybe two other things on it. Nothing.
Remembering the coolness of the jar drop that was NOT a jar drop... I thought maybe it was on a different shelf. Cursory inspection of the barren cupboard yielded zero results.
I checked the fridge... Maybe I put it in there? No fucking clue as to why I would have done that, but I have found some weird shit in the fridge before. A slow moving, very upset rattlesnake being the winner by far. Nope, no almond butter.
I go back to the cupboard... Checking every shelf. Checking inside the crock pot up on the top shelf... Ya never know... Bupkis...
I invade my mind... Forcing the recollection of the shopping excursion... I remember waffling on the purchase of said almond butter due to the fact I was picking up "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" on Blu.... And "Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D", Season 1 on Blu... I also remember picking up a tub of actual almonds, that I keep in my desk at work for mid morning snacking purposes.
With all those extra items, I was already dropping a pretty penny, so... I... must have... put it back versus actually buying it... Did I?... But it fell in the cupboard... Did that happen before? No... I must have put it back at the store...
This went on for a bit... And I chalked it up to I must have imagined the jar drop that was NOT a jar drop...
Thursday comes along, I get paid, I pay bills, I go to work, I go to gym, I come home, I go to booze store, I have a couple o' beers, I go to bed.
Friday, whilst at work, I comprise my shopping list. I put on almond butter the list. Underlined. Twice. Debated throwing a highlighter on top of that, but thought that would be pretentious...
I get to my preferred marketplace of grocery and foodstuff procurement. I plug in the earbuds, which is a fantastic way of letting people know, "I have no desire to talk to you." without having to be overtly rude. Old ladies like talking to me a grocery stores... I DO NOT KNOW WHY!!! I check out, I get home, I get the stuff unloaded. I pop the cork on a bottle of mead... All is right with the world.
Saturday, do my thing... Ride fifteen miles on the bike in an hour, check out Halloween costumes, and I stop by the Toy's R Us, pick up some Legos (B-Wing... fave Star Wars hoopty). I relax with my Gentleman Jack N' Cokes. I do this because I know Sunday is looming...
Today... Sunday... The "Lord's" day (I would think they would all be his...). Creature of habit mode... ENGAGED... I get up. I let the damn dog out. I feed said damn dog. I go back to the bed and lay there. Planning out the day. I know I will be doing laundry, including linens on bed. I know I will be cleaning house. Oooh.. prolly will mop. I know I have to go to gym for Leg day... So, whilst formulating, I scope the Best Buy ad online. Okay, Laundry... I have three loads to do... Sheets, Black n Whites, Colors. On it.
Laundry is sorted, time to dismantle the bed's sheets and what not. My bed, courtesy of those crazy ass Swedes is just a mattress on springy slats, that act as the box springs. I fling the comforter to the side, I disrobe the pillow of their cases. Off with the sheet. I get to the foot of the bed. I grab the fitted sheet, and pull up.
The mattress lifts of the frame, exposing the corner of the floor underneath the bed. There lies a jar of almond butter. Correction... THE jar of almond butter...
Damn dog.
 |
| Nice gnaw marks, Lily. |
I have got to start believing in me more,
d
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Today's title etymology:
The old guy in the Simpsons, Jasper, walks up to Rev. Lovejoy at the Learning Annex.
Rev. Lovejoy says, "'Coping with Senility'?"
"NO! 'Microwave Cookery'!" berates Japser, who then pauses, "Wait... 'Coping With Senility'"
From the CLASSIC Season 4, Episode 16, "Duffless",
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