"This Wasn't in the Brochure!"

I usually stick to things that I know or can research...  When it comes to parenting, I know Jack and Shit, and Jack just left town.

Research? Forget about it... There are sooooo many topics, so many opinions, a literal fuck ton of stuff written on the subject, that one mind boggles.

Then throw in a divorce. Split, or joint, custody. Full custody with child support. Full custody with a deadbeat ex. Permutations abound...

There are parts of me that lament never spawning. My Mom (HI MOM!) still has a glimmer of hope that I will meet someone tomorrow and, due to my superhuman sperm, that female will squat out a pup in time for Xmas. She has told me repeatedly that I would be a good Dad... (so did some lesbians in Tacoma, but that is another story)

The thought is daunting... Loving something more than me? Seems very implausible...

I dunno... I would have the advantage of being an asshole. Knowing the tricks I had pulled when I was a child... I would be at the disadvantage because when someone tries hurts me, I tend to break it off in their ass and leave them bleeding...

Apparently that style of parenting is "frowned upon".

And let's face it... We all hurt our parents. Sometimes intentionally, mostly the opposite. I was, and still am, guilty of doing so. However, I am able to now understand my actions and let them know that while I am sorry, I am still gonna do what I am gonna do.

I have asked the Folks how they tackled it... According to Mom, "Your Father and I took the things that my parents did that worked, and things that his parents did that worked, and blended them. We also found things that each of our parents did that we swore we would NEVER do."

Key point here kiddies... THEY TALKED THAT SHIT OUT BEFORE PROCREATING!

For example... My Dad did NOT want my Mom to pull the "Wait til your father get's home!" routine. He seriously did not want his coming home to be something his children dreaded. Makes perfect sense. The major downside is that when I got in trouble at school in the days of corporal punishment, I would get my licks from the school official. Come home, Mom would have her go. Dad would get home, and complete the trifecta of "negative reinforcement".

They had a plan. They were a united front... Much to my dismay.

The early years... I have made it 43 years on this planet without having changed a diaper. I can go another 43 and be quite all right with it. I also am not a fan of getting puked, spat, pissed, or shit on...

The teenage years... There would be scars. I see a lot of dollar signs...

The early adulthood... I just see more fucking dollar signs...

Adulthood - They leave... IF you have done your job right.

Then, you die. Unless they do something really, really cool, you pretty much just contributed to the overpopulation of the planet... Don't get me wrong... I am pretty damn happy Dad didn't pull out that one time...

I guess this discussion came from an issue a friend is having with her Ex and their kid. Kid is in single digits. He is a sensitive kid. He went to visit his Dad over the Thanksgiving break. My friend asked about the activities that will be transpiring. When "Shooting guns" was broached, she said, "Um, no. I don't think he is ready for that."

When I was over there for dinner on Thursday, she told me about talking to her son and she asked what had he had been up to... Three guesses on what made the list!

She was not happy. Now... I admit the male "See Problem, Fix Problem" gene kicked in. Stupid me. I did have the wherewithal to preface all my responses with, "Not being a parent and not knowing a damn thing about it, here is how I would reply to the Dad..."

The gun thing is an issue (Upon returning, she asked her son when should a gun be used and got "I don't know", supporting her thought process), but it is more indicative of the lack of cohesive parenting.

Parent A - "I don't want out child doing X."

When child is with Parent A, child does not do X.

Parent B receives child.

Parent A informs Parent B stance on X.

Parent B lets kid fucking do X.

Parent A is gonna find out... WTF? Do you think you WON'T hear about it??? Use ya head, Parent B!

I asked her, "How long after you get your son back does it take to 'deprogram' him from the Dads influence?"

The massive eyeroll and grimace was answer enough.

X3 was my first real exposure to children. I am fully aware that "Step-Children" is not the same thing... So... Save your breath...

The father of my two step daughters remarried. The lady had a young son. She said that she wanted her husband's daughters to call her "Mom"... X3 took a "vehement" stance against that. Something something, "better not call that fucking cunt 'Mom'!"

"But, it will confuse my little mistake son with them calling me 'Prudence'!"*

How the fuck is that the biological mother's concern? I would have never even brought forth the idea of the daughters calling me 'Dad'. If they did call me 'Dad', I think the shudder of revulsion would have put a stop to it real quick like...

X3 and I had our differences when it came to parenting as well... I disciplined the eldest step kid once... And X3 told me I would not do it again. I pretty much checked out on the "contributing to the raising of a productive member of society" right then and there. Eldest didn't like me because I knew how she cheated at dominoes and let her know that I knew... Good times.

__________________________

"Oh, it is so rewarding..."

"Um, you have puke on your shoulder. Your breast is leaking. You look like you have not slept since the last Space Shuttle was launched. You put wine in that baby bottle. Your baby has a face that a pug who kissed a running lawnmower blade would vomit at. Your baby also has had a loaded diaper for at least 20 minutes and it is beginning to leak. You poor, poor soul."

My hats off to parents... It is a shit job. Mostly thankless. I am reminded of a long con... Taking about 27 years for any sort of payoff...

My Mom has said that I was a good kid, a) My Mom is an optimist. 2) I got away with a lot of shit she didn't know about (Skip this part, Mom). D) It is me we are talking about!

Lunatic fringe,

d

* Name changed to protect fucking cunt's identity.

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(All Lives (Matter) of Convenience)

July? Really? Damn... Been a spell... More on that further down...

First, hashtags are mostly stupid and do nothing but try and sum up an already abbreviated thought. One had come to prominence, kind of reminding people that the lives of African American people matter.

This was in response to the seemingly never ending barrage of a certain race of people getting straight up murdered by police.

In response, instead of addressing the problem, or even fucking acknowledging the 800% more likelihood that if you are black and unarmed, you will be shot by a police officer than if you are white and unarmed, someone had the bright idea of coming up with #alllivesmatter. Oh, by the by... That "800%" number is not a joke or made up.

So... all lives matter? To whom?

There is a cult, very active in America these days, that believe that a microscopic bundle of dividing cells is "life". They are very adamant about protecting this cluster, which is sacred and deserves full protection of the Law! Now, why they don't feel the same way about cancer is beyond me... It too is a small cluster of dividing cells...

This cult has lobbied for and won the favor of major political figures who hold office and are currently seeking HIGHER office. Using misinformation, false statistics and outright fraudulent lies, this cult and it's minions have done irreparable damage to Planned Parenthood.

The political party most swayed by this cult is also big on getting rid of the "entitlement class" and "takers". Those people on welfare... Those people who get assistance from the government programs designed to help those in need...

So... All lives matter when they are in the womb.... After that... not so much?

This week at work, the TV in the break room was showing the plight of Syrian refugees... I also saw a picture of a little child holding it's hands up in surrender because the camera looked like a gun and all she knew to do was surrender. It was deeply saddening.

My co-workers were grumbling about the refugees better steer clear of Texas!

I asked, "Since France is accepting refugees, LESS THAN A FUCKING WEEK after the most devastating attack SINCE WWFUCKINGII, should we send the Statue of Liberty back to them?"

"Damn, Dougie."

Yes... Damn me... I guess all lives matter, as long as the geography suites you.

The GOP nominations for the Presidency have taken umbrage with the President for telling them that they are "irresponsible" for their stance on the refugee crisis.

One Mike Huckabee has said that he would allow only the "Christian refugees" passage and safe harbor... Um, Huckster... When "Reality" comes around and rips your face off, and blows your mind through the back your head, please let it be televised...

If you were in line... to get into a sanctuary... and the gatekeepers are asking "Are you Muslim or Christian?" and they are only letting people who say "Christian" into the promised land... Word will spread down the line pretty damn quick...

The retort from one Ted "Billionaire Blower" Cruz has been, "If you want to insult me, do it to my face."

Ted, boobala, I will give you my address. I would unleash a load of semen, unprecedented in the annals of world history, if I got the chance to insult you to your face. Sperm whales would be renamed Dougie Whales.

 I will ask why you, and two other GOP candidates, attended an "event" where the "pastor" who introduced you to the crowd, had just ranted and preached that gay people should be executed.

Again... All lives matter as long as they believe in the same imaginary friend as you?

Oh... And all lives matter as long as they fuck who YOU think they should fuck?

I guess the fully amended hashtag should be:  #alllivesmatterdependingonthechronolgyoflifeandgeographyandwhatinvisibefriendtheytalktoandfuckthepeopleyouthinktheyshouldfuckaslongasitisonlyformakingbabieswhoarethenontheirownwithnohelp.

_______________________________

Now... Why they absence? There is no real "reason". No explanation like "My hands fell off" or anything.

I guess it was a culmination of things. Jon Stewart is gone. John Oliver is fucking crushing it every week. I also think with the rise in polls of Carson and Trump... I think America is in the "post-intelligence" phase.

I know people who I think are decent human beings. I also think these people should not be allowed to contaminate the gene pool, or vote.

It was all of those things that led me to a "lull"... A "If the rest of the world don't give a fuck (like Janice in Accounting), why should I?

I then thought back to one of the last segments, on the last show of the aforementioned Stewart...

*Sniff*. *Sniff*.

Yup... There it is... I gotta call bullshit.

Cruise your new baby fly self,

d

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