The time where you get sick of hearing about the following:
- The leaves changing color... Yes... It is called "dying". People usually will remark about this one in the beginning of Fall. When they have had to rake said leaves more then once, their feelings on the matter usually change... and not for the better.
- School. It happens every year at the end of summer. For those of us who decided not to spawn, we really could give two shits about how it is going. Wanna spot a teacher? Look for people who repeat "not prepared" or "not enough time" more than once in a conversation.
- Football. As a person who recently decided to say "No, thank you" to the National Felon's League, people spend a tad too much time devoted to this game. Now... A Side Note...
Side Note: Last weekend, I was in Petsmart. Lily has provisions that seem to need replenishing every week... I am not kidding... I think there are three weekends in the year when I am not in there, buying something. I am oft heard to remark, "I love that damn dog, and I have the receipts to prove it."
I take my two purchases to the check out person. Imagine frumpy, pimply faced, late teens or early twenty something... Has got those stupid spacer things in his ears. Short buzzcut, that on him, made his head look like a scrotum from a 70's porn.
"Tomorrow will be a glorious day as the St. Louis Rams defeat the Dallas Cowboys."
These were the first words he gurgled at me. Reeking of smugness and certainty. I know the tone. I fucking perfected the tone. HOWEVER, I use the tone in the rare occasions when I am 100% correct and know it. Not in prognostications of football games.
I stared. Said, "Okay, are those two baseball teams?" I watched as his feeble, stunted brain tried to understand that I a) did not react to the brazen insult to the local football team. b) pretended not to know what he was talking about. c) looked at him like he was a piece of dog shit on my shoe.He stammered, and tried to recover from his deflation... Scanned my two items and gave me the total... "$29.21"
"Okay, I am gonna put twenty on the debit and the rest in cash..."
"Ewwwkay... How much will be in cash then?"
Now, I understand retail and dealing with the public is noooo picnic. I worked fast food dammit. I try to give young people the benefit of the doubt... At Target, I was helped the cashier figure out how to do a partial/split payment. Which is why my reply of, "Are you fucking kidding me?" surprised me as much as it did him.
"Well... It is easier if I do the cash first and then the card..."
"Here is two twenties... That would be forty dollars... Don't hurt yourself." I said this in a tone that would insult a third grader.
"Sorry, man."
"The change will be $10.79. I hope your male sheep do well tomorrow."
The reason I helped the cashier at Target and not this Air Waster? First, she was cute. Second, she was new and was trying - putting effort forth. The idiot at Petsmart put the problem on ME.
And the Rams lost, by the way. I had to go in there today... And yes... I looked for him.
Moral of the story: Customer Service is becoming, if it isn't already, the leading occupation in America... Shouldn't we be better at it?
End Side Note.
Oh, yeah... The final thing I loathe hearing about in the fall... Halloween.
Halloween is not a holiday. Here is my reasoning... If Halloween is on a Tuesday, do I get that day off, paid as a Holiday? NOPE. Then NOT A DAMN HOLIDAY!
Thanksgiving... THAT's a holiday! Two days, baby.
And for whatever reason, most of the Halloween's that I remember doing something on, it was always bitter fucking cold. November 1st? Pleasant... Oct. 30? Awesome-sauce on a stick. Halloween? Cold or just shitty weather.
I remember sitting in Penny Lacy's car... Faded Green '76 or '77 Mustang, Duncanville, TX. 1980? Feeling like a wussy because I chickened out going into the haunted house Ricky Lacy and my older brother went into. 20 minutes later when they came back crying like bitches, I felt secure in my declining to pay money for the treat of getting scared.
Other notable memories of Fall...
Mom racking the leaves, us doing the goofy pictures in said piles of leaves.
First days of school, and the goofy pictures of said first days of school.
I got to call in sick for the first time in 4 years in the Fall of 1997. Ya see...
In the USAF, there is no, rolling over, picking up the phone, faking a cough and puny voice, or actually being sick, and "calling in sick." No no... You had to get up at the normal 6:00 AM. You had to go to the shop for morning muster. You had to then tell the boss, "I am going to the Med Hall." Drive up to Med Hall. (I did all this with a 103 fever and wicked hangover once). Go to "Admissions". Wait to get your own Med Chart. Get said Med Chart and walk to the building they tell you. Then you get assigned a room or told to sit down and wait. When you get to the Dr., he does the once over. He will then decide to send you home, or light duty, or just back to work. Then you will always have to go to the Pharm (I threw away no less then 30 vials of meds when getting dismissed). There is always a line. Get your pills and you are FREE... it is about 11:00AM... If you wanted to play hooky for the day? Half gone. If you were actually sick? You feel like a cup of rancid vomit in a dumpster that has been used as a homeless toilet for three days and baking in the sun.
Yeah... I looked forward to calling in sick and rolling my ass over and going back to sleep.
Thanksgivings... X2 and her family had some pretty good ones. She had the nicest "Appearances" or "Surface" family. Everything looked good on the at a glace, but underneath... Complete and utter disaster.
One Thanksgiving eve... A Wednesday, I believe... X2 told me she was going out for Cranberry Sauce. I asked her... "Have you taken your pills?" Pills was the nice way of saying, "Have you gotten your Ambien fix for the evening, ya junkie?"
"Nope..."
She leaves and 10 minutes later, I get the phone call... "I hit a car". Which was the nice way of her saying, "I was drugged out of my gourd, and ran into a parked Ford Explorer doing 45 mph."
Moral of the story: The new Volkswagen Beetles are extremely safe cars. She had a scratched knee where it hit the key in the ignition. Oh... and drugs are bad... Mmmkay?
One or two years later, early Fall, I told my then Mother in Law, "Brenda, I am so done." Her response, "Can you at least make it through the holidays? It would mean so much to the family."
Never mind defending her daughter or the sanctity of marriage.. Nooooo... She was just worried it would reflect badly on her... Superficiality... Made here in Texas! Yee-haw! On the plus side, she did make good during X-Mas. Was a bountiful haul that year.
Last Fall was pretty special... Got to meet an important person in my life. Had one of my favorite Thanksgivings in a long, long time. There was anticipation. There were nerves. There was laughter. There was a connection.
I think Fall lends itself to reflection because everything changes. Not like Spring... where there is "hope" and a feeling of renewal. No, everything changes and you know "worse" is coming. You reflect, in order to learn from your previous mistakes and avoid them in the future... One hopes.
Winter is coming,
d
This blog brought to you by Savatage (now known as Trans-Siberian Orchestra), Alice In Chains, The Foo Fighters, Disturbed, Tenacious D, Megadeth, and finally...Metallica's crowning achievement... "Master of Puppets", in it's entirety, in honor of Cliff Burton. He was their bassist who on this day, 28 years ago was tragically killed in a bus accident. R.I.P.
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