Hello, Wall.

An army marches over the crest of a hill. Before them stands a castle, complete with high and mighty walls. The master of arms inside the castle, sends out a hundred men to meet the horde. These men are summarily slaughtered. The leader turns to his liege and says, "That sucked. Ever been under siege?"

It got me thinking about walls. Most of us have them. Self preservation makes them a must.

I can only intelligently speak to my own defenses. Some have called my walls insurmountable. A few wise ones, have noticed that while they may have gotten through the outside barrier, there are more barriers. oooh... Then there are more barriers. After that? You guessed it!!! More barriers. The rarefied few who make it past those, may glimpse something at the center. A core. A hardened, impenetrable, barrier that two people have ever been privy to.

One who made it in, pretty much laid my heart to waste, and led to stronger security. She was the second AND LAST one in. The first was allowed entry due to the fact I had not been betrayed yet and the construction of my walls had not even begun. Their absence probably caused the cornerstone to be laid.

My wall consists of antisocial behavior, consumption of alcohol, scathing wit and sarcasm, contempt for 99.9999999% of the population, and a pinch of "being an asshole" thrown in for good measure. Reminder... A wall is reactionary. (I will also state that my wall's exterior has signs pointing to an entrance. Feel free to knock.)

This is why walls are erected. Hurt. Betrayal. Love and friends lost.

People's walls grow as they get older. Everyone's set of walls have their own particular height and characteristics. My Mom's walls are not high. I would be hard pressed to say she has them. HOWEVER... She does have the power to call forth a barrier of coldness that if even approached will make your lips go blue. I have only seen it enacted when dealing with one person.

To live a life, where only ONE person is cast away, exiled from your walls... I can't imagine. I probably shun, either on purpose or inadvertently, five people daily. It's good to have goals.

The walls we build are critical for one's sense of security. Some may call it "hiding", and there is more than a ring of truth to that.

Back to the castle analogy. You meet someone. They are the invading army. You send out an expeditionary force to meet them on the field of battle... this is also known as "dating". When dating, you don't spill all your craziness on the first meeting... maybe on the sixth... "I like sitting in a kiddie pool of lime jello during full moons." See... Not really a first date convo...

If you are on a date, and you pretty much are convinced that your crazy and their crazy just ain't gonna gel together like gelatin and warm water... You pull your forces back within the safety of your walls.

Try envisioning the walls as a brick mural. Each brick, each stone, is a story. A reminder. A lesson to be learned from. The mortar could be blood. It could be sweat. It could be the strongest adhesive of an emotional wall... tears. Some of those stories may be comprised of many, many stones.

Understanding the construction of your walls just might be the best chance of limiting their height. If you meet someone, and realize that they are a carbon copy of your ex, your instinct may be to increase the height of your defenses. Another option is to revisit the original section of the wall... Reinforce the lessons learned during the initial construction.

Studies have shown that in the initial stages of a relationship, the chemical reactions in the brain are similar to that of heroin. I am beginning to think that it's more akin Nitroglycerin.

Just blowing holes in your walls. Allowing them into your most vulnerable areas.

You are defenseless. You are a smiling idiot as you allow this invading force access...

Hoping they... Praying they just don't hurt you.

When they do... They may have obliterated the memory of original transgression, where you were supposed to have learned your lesson from. So... you build the walls back. Stronger. Higher.

Yes... I just compared love to a supremely dangerous and unstable chemical. I just wonder how many of you, oh avid readers, just nodded and or winced.

The Great Wall of China is fantastic against Mongols. It is the absolute #1 Mongol Repelling Wall in all of the world. 

It couldn't stop a rat to save it's life. Seriously... Rats would go out, get diseased from the rotting corpses of Mongols and their horses, then come right back through the wall infecting people on the protected side.

No matter how high. No matter how formidable. There is always a way through.

 

Could be a rat.

Could be a smile.

___________________________________

I am now going to share how I walk through walls...

You don't have to scale a wall if you are invited in.

I state my agenda up front. I do not have a hidden one. I do not seek to loot or plunder. I do not seek to judge. I want to know the stories behind the walls. I want to get to know the person before they were dumped on by life and walls built up. I want to know the crazy thoughts. I want to know if it has to be lime jello?

If, for whatever reason, I am asked to leave... I do so. Over the years, I have learned that if you ever cared for that person, upon exiting, do not cause any damage on your exit. No matter how hurt you may be, just don't do it. You will regret it. Some words you can't take back.

Maybe a penance in whatever afterlife is that you are forced to walk forever, chained to all the stones YOU made people set in THEIR walls. It isn't the weight of the hurt you caused, more the weight of all the love you kept from happening by making someone's wall a little higher.

Hey you,

d

This blog brought to you by a Pink Floyd album... Do you need three guesses? I didn't think so.

Marnie

Monday, I learned that a friend committed suicide on Sunday.

I don't know the details. I don't really want to know the details.

I am hurt.

I am sad.

I am confused.

I am angry.

All of that is selfish. I am focused on how that action has affected me and my life. It has forced me to confront death in a manner that I was not expecting nor wanting to. I had a supremely excellent five day weekend that was usurped by the news on Monday.

As selfish as all that is... It is not as selfish as the act committed by her.

We dated for a moment a couple of years ago. She was insanely beautiful. Physically... Just "dayum". Then you added in her literally pure soul. She was coming out of a divorce and was crazy. I am not saying anything out of turn, or "crazy" in a derogatory way, but she was hurting.

However. Comma. She was love. She loved everyone. She gave bear hugs that would hurt. She snorted when she laughed. She talked to my dog more than she did me one night.

I know that I have a way with words, and I could have "entertained" (aka manipulated) something more with her. I did not want to take advantage of her, and told her, point blank, that she needed help. She agreed and sought some. To my knowledge it was something that she continued and it provided her with some much needed guidance.

FUCK...  I get this wave of anger... mostly at her... but then it redirects, "Well, ShitStick, when was the last time you reached out to her????" I look back and discover on Facebook, it was last October. I am almost positive there was some communication over the holidays via text... But I still feel like a fucking asshole and I get mad at me.

I then realize that is not being fair to myself.

As formidable I may consider myself to be, I ain't shit... Don't even register next to someone's own personal hell and pantheon of inner demons.

The confusion is trying to rationalize something like believing the world would be better off without me... I just can't... Egotistical as that sounds... There is a semblance of truth behind it.

At my lowest point, freshly divorced (for the first time!) and drinking daily and excessively... mostly out of hate for myself... Not once did I ever think about ending it all... No... it took my second marriage to bring those thoughts about.

The thought of having over 1600 friends on Facebook, like Marnie did,  is alien to me. I think at my highest, I hit 150, maybe? But that was Marnie. She never met a stranger. She cared about everybody. Ev. Er. Ree. Bod. Ee. The sadness I feel as I witness post after post appear in my feed, comes from this hurricane, this fucking onslaught of emotion... People saying goodbye to someone they love and made their lives brighter. Fuck... that hurt to write...

I feel for her family and the ones closest to her. I can not fathom the overriding "FUCKING WHY FUCKING WHY? WHY? ANSWER ME!" that is inevitable.

There are moments, weekly, that I think about the horrors of the world. I have to catch and stop myself or I will be crushed under the weight of it. It is why I "rant and rave" in this here blog. It may or may not be a contributing factor in my continuing love affair with one Jack Daniels.

If I were as kind, as loving, as caring, as soft, as gentle, as whatever the absolute opposite of "mean-spirited" is, as giving, as fucking beautiful as Marnie... Well... This world just might beat me too.

_______________________

I don't care if you know me. I don't care if we are the bestest buds in the world. Know that someone out there is rooting for you. They want the best for you. If that still is not enough, please call 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone. Please.

This blog is selfish. Kind of a rehash a FB post from last night...I am the first to admit that, but fuck it. I wrote this to get this shit out of my head. To catch a glimpse of understanding. To cry. To maybe help someone.

I will be okay, I have no other option. I am upset (unhappy, disappointed, worried)... I just wish my friend the peace she could not find in this world.

Maybe in the next one, Marnie. I will see you later.

She loved George Harrison and Stevie Ray Vaughn,

d

This blog was brought to you by "What Is Life?", "My Sweet Lord", "Got My Mind Set On You", "Give Me Love", "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", "The Sky Is Crying", "Cold Shot", "Couldn't Stand The Weather", and "Little Wing".

To Sign Again?

For the last five days, I have not been privy to the news. I had been at a social engagement with 250 friends maintaining a nice enjoyable blood alcohol concentration. I focused, like, super hard.

The one piece of news that I could not avoid is that of Chris Cornell's passing. That really will add an extra level of already prevalent haunt to any and all songs where his vocals were gloriously utilized. Rest In Peace, Good Sir.

Now... Last week's shit show regarding the current administration is just another example of what to expect from a circus when you elect a clown.

The folks came down to watch the Damn Dog while I went and "Adult Spring Breaked" - Meaning it all went on a credit card. I was lucky enough to spend some quality time with them, doing what we normally do... bitch about the fuckery transpiring in the capital.

Dad brought up the idea that we need to "Voldemort" this douche. By that, I mean do not use his name. Seriously, petition all the major news stations, papers, media outlets, social media apps, radio stations, fucking smoke signals if need be... and tell them, for one week... Do. Not. Say. His. Name.

"The 45 President". "The President." "Our Commander In Chief.". Whatever... just no "T-word".

When the press, even the "Fake News", uses his given name, it gives his hard micro-cheeto penis an erection. It does NOT matter that the words before or after the usage of the name... I adamantly believe that he does not hear them.

"T***p is a colossal fucktard piece of shit." - His ego brain would see that, and if he CAN, in fact, read, would come away with "I am colossal... My hands are colossal."

"T***p has completely botched everything he has touched and is the greatest threat to the United States of America."  - That group of factual words gets butchered by his brain, and reassembled to come out his mouth sphincter as, "I am the greatest."

"T***p wants to fuck his own daughter."   - Gets transmorgifucked into "Have you seen her? I mean, c'mon?"

It is the name that drives him.

John Oliver's excellent broadcast, just last night, pointed out that the National Security Council, who give the President his briefings on global issues, have to use his name in order to keep his attention; "In as many paragraphs as we can because he keeps reading if he is mentioned."

FIRST, the intelligence brief has to be one page, memo style with "visual aids, like maps, charts, graphs and photos." Yes, because "Syria" is a fucking one page problem. With a map. Picture of Assad (With a circle around it, an arrow with the words "BAD HOMBRE" written in red - I might be dead on with that... but it is not confirmed... But every single one of you can totally envision it.)

This is his OWN team. Having to feed that vacuous, black hole of attention seeking ego.

Back to Dad's idea... Get ALL the media to just not use his name. One week of that and he will be flinging feces and twitting like a temper tantrum having 3 year old in a restaurant that you would like to drop kick out the door.

The fatal flaw of the plan... Fox "News". Before they agreed to this plan, they would have to form an exploratory committee to find where they put there "journalistic credibility". Indiana Jones would be a good candidate, since he is as fictional as the idea that Fox "News" ever HAD credibility to begin with.

Now... On to the title... We are going full prognostication mode... After Comey, the FBI will appoint a prosecutor. There will be all manner of shit found. There will be inquiries... And at the most critical time...

The fucker will resign.

This way... "I was never impeached."

"I was not run out of office, I left office."

"I was not found guilty - there was no trial."

As I am writing this, I am thinking of the biggest dick move... ya know, trying to be "presidential". Was thinking of Monopoly... When the game has gone on toooo long, and you are about to get caught stealing pink 50's from the bank, and you probably gonna be found to be bankrupt on the very next roll.

You knock the board over reaching for the Doritos.

That is what the bastard is gonna do. Let's just hope he doesn't realize - He's the one with the hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place that are gonna get toppled.

And let's hope he does realize that when that happens, there are no winners. Everyone just wasted their time.

_______________________________________

Man... Five days of not doing anything but eating, drinking, and hanging out with friends will really make you think - I do NOT want to go back to work.

On a positive note, got to hang with some friends. Made some new ones. Helped out some folks. Played chicken with a fire hydrant (it won, but I saw fear!!!!).

I am going to try and write more. If you have suggestions. Topics. Requests for stories. Want to know my opinion on something.., find me. I am not hard to get a hold of. Please. You will get full props... I will make ya infamous!

You could live easy if life stood still,

d

This blog brought to you by Wings, Harold Faltermeyer, Rush, Marvin Gaye + Tammi Tyrell, Stone Temple Pilots, Johnny Cash, Robert Palmer, Stevie Nicks, Dethklok, Cheap Trick*, The Doors, Weird Al, Savatage, Van Halen, and The Romantics.

To Visit Again

Would write more, but I have a short work week, and a 5 day weekend party thingy to pack/prep for... so... deal. This entry says it all...

http://www.highpointbleed.com/2014/05/maternal-spawning-unit.html

Give some love to your Moms. The ones who aren't with us... They are still with us... They never left us.

I love you Mom,

d

They Killed George, So I Stopped

This last week was a let down on a couple levels...

Physically, it was the first week back to the gym in two weeks (illness and training out of town). Those of you who do frequent the self abuse palaces enough know if you miss the gym, when you go back, you will be more sore than usual. I think this prompted the Boss to come knocking on my office door more than usual, just to make me have to get out of my chair.

Emotionally, I saw "Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2" and was leveled by Electric Light Orchestra's "Mr. Blue Sky". I found myself realizing that I too, was wondering what we had done wrong to make the blue skies hide away. Pretty much felt like this since early November. Anyone remember some tragedy that occurred? Might have made news...

When I heard this tune, I realized that happiness is now something I have to "work in to", I have to "prepare for happiness"... The reason being, I will soon learn of some fuckery that will make the blue skies go away.

Mentally, it was another week of assault... Let's begin, shall we?

You had FBI Director Comey, saying how he feels "mildly nauseous" thinking he may have had anything to do with the election going for the Loser In Chief. He also said that he had two choices, "Speak" or "Conceal".

Well, Jimmy...

Seeing as how AFTER the damage was done, you then came out and said, "Nope... Nothing there... But we had to drop her name in a inflammatory, conspiratorial manner 10 days before an election...", the option of "Conceal" is a moot fucking point as there was nothing to fucking conceal.

Also, as for his testimony... I have seen better acting from Vin Diesel. For the record, Vin Diesel sucks as an actor. The "Fast and Furious" movies are insipid. I am surprised they haven't nabbed him for a "Transformers" movie... oh wait... They have the Sir John Geilgud of our generation, Marky Mark Wahlturd...

Clinton, on Tuesday, directly accused Comey of being a big part of her losing. She coped to her own shortcomings... but did not hesitate to intimate that without Comey and da Ruskies, she would be President.

After all that hoopla, I watched live as the House of "Representatives" voted to fuck over America in order to appease old, rich, mostly white dudes.

The House, on it's 8,429th attempt (actually 54 attempts, but after the first ceremonial "We Are Sore Losers" vote to repeal, who's counting?), the Republicans got their wish... To make it so insurance companies can go back to raising rates "Because We Can", kicking you off their insurance for getting sick, and determining that "being human" is a preexisting condition.

Oh... The preexisting condition thing... Does not apply to elected officials... They made sure to PUT that on paper... FUCKERY!!!!

The only silver lining is that the Senate will pat the House on the head like you do to a smelly, but lovable mutt, and then promptly Ol' Yeller that shit.

Okay... Here's where it gets really scary...  On Friday, Trump The Impeachable, signed an Executive Order promoting "Religious Freedom". It basically made it easier for religious people to deny services, health coverage, RIGHTS, to people based on "Religious Reasons".

I am seriously thinking about becoming a Church. No taxes, could rape anybody I want - not go to jail AND get paid to move somewhere else, and I can just tell people to "Fuck off", as it would be a part of my religion. Good work if you can find it!

Friday, I was checking email, and Yahoo will play video clips now if your inbox is empty. I was getting some stuff ready for work and it was just playing in the background. It was a recap of the previous night's "Grey's Anatomy".

A boy with a tumor is not being allowed surgery by his parents... because "God will heal him."

Um... If you believe in the Invisible Sky Daddy,  who in the fuck do you think put the tumor there???

Long story short, the kid comes back to the hospital by himself, now blind due to tumor pressing against optic nerves, and a doctor does the operation. Removes tumor, much rejoicing after the commercial break... Til the dickhead Dad shows up. Lawsuit! He doesn't believe in modern medicine... but modern American Law, THAT he's down with.

Couple of things... 1) It reinforced the fact that their are NO "Christian" children. There are only the children of Christian parents. 2) 45 just made it easier for parents to deny their children life saving medical treatment by signing that order. 3) "Grey's Anatomy" is still on?

Finally, this very morning, I learned the list of countries I could escape to was shortened further. Ireland is investigating Stephen Fry for "Blasphemy", stemming from a 2015 interview. ALL he did was answer questions like, what he would say to God, if given the chance,

“I’d say ‘Bone cancer in children, what’s that about?’ How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault. It’s not right. It’s utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?”

Wait... That's blasphemous?

________________________

In this time of wanting to be a voice of resistance, and even being brilliantly urged to be vengeful, you have to be careful. I took down a post where I wished a certain world leader an aneurysm. Three guesses as to who - first two don't count.

This week though, I made my own error... I posted a fake meme. I didn't fact check. I posted something where Jeff Sessions, the nation's Attorney General, was quoted as saying, "The separation of church and state is unconstitutional". Sure enough, that Elmer Fudd looking bitch said that shit.

The next day, I saw a meme where Pence, our soon to be president - NOT that that is a good thing, was saying how "People don't need more health care, people need more Jesus care."

Turns out is was a fake. Now, I realize my mistake was not checking before posting. I just think it is pretty sad that after reading it, I was 100% sure that sort of verbal diarrhea would be something to erupt from that guy's word hole.

Be lawfully resistant. Be vengeful, But more importantly... Be correct.

Time to do the Thorazine shuffle**,

d

This blog brought to you by Savatage*, The Jesus Lizard, Anthrax, Tenacious D, Dethklok, Eminem, Foo Fighters, Sonny Rhodes, Graeme Revell, Don Henley, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Faith No More, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Butthole Surfers + Moby, Beck, Slayer, The White Stripes, David Bowie, Guns N' Roses, Metallica, and Ozzy Osbourne.

** -  Thorazine is an antipsychotic drug - Which should be prescribed in greater quantities - Hell, put it in the water like fluoride. It also causes involuntary muscle spasms... Hence, the "Thorazine shuffle". LEARNIN' IZ PHUN!!!