Cheap Trick Said It Best

"Want" is a funny, funny word. It is also a very dangerous one.

It's meanings as both a noun and a verb deal with desire for, or a lack of, something.

We all have wants. Even that one person who seems to have their shit completely together has a want. My Mom, the Saint, would agree... she would say she "wants her kids to be happy."

NICE TRY, MUMZIE! I think $1000 should cover it... And yes... I will take a check!

People who truly want for nothing want everyone to feel that sort of happiness. Must be nice.

I can personally say that while I have wants, they usually fall in the realm of easily obtainable things. I want to have a good workout. I want to drive fast and I want no cops to see. I want a drink. I want to have a good hair day. I want to not to go to work. I want my boots to clean themselves. I want to finish laundry. I want to have a good topic for the blog. I want to get some good sleep tonight. I want to see Civil War again.

Then... we get into the not so easy ones... I want Lily to not die. I want to be challenged at work. I want to make my Mom and Dad proud(er). I want to be in love. I want people to not suffer. I want to not be forced to choose between Hillary or Trump. I want to feel the love of a good woman. I want to time travel and just say "Don't do it" to my younger self on that one day... I want to time travel and just say "Do it" to my younger self on that one day.

I am usually found be-bopping around a couple of national chat rooms. Couple of weekends ago* I was in one on a Saturday that has webcams. I have made some friends on this particular site. Gained some notoriety. I fired up my cam, looked at who was on, and was just chilling. I noticed a name I was unfamiliar with, so I clicked on the cam.

It was an attractive young lady, looking to be in her 20's. This site has a more "aged" population. It was kind of nice to see someone younger than me.

I figured she would be getting inundated with messages from the male populace on the site, so I left her alone. Jumped off and went on with my day.

Sunday rolls around, and I jump on that particular site, fired up the cam again, and lo and behold... There she be. So, I jump into the sub chat room she was in. Received a "Hey, HPB!" from a few friends, and I joined the convo. About five minutes into arriving, I decide to hit her with a private message.

Something along the lines of, "Hey, pardon the intrusion, hope your day is going well." or something as equally devastatingly charming!

And I get a reply of, "It bummed me out you did not say Hi to me yesterday when you were on."

SHE had noticed ME... I could literally feel my Ego peering out from it's corner, leaning forward... "Go on..."

We got to speaking, moved over to a nice, more intimate Skype setting, and within hours... We got to know each other... Well.

  

Yes, she is a nice looking lady. Yes, she is flexible. Yes, she lives in Canada. Yes, I am aware of the "fantasy" that is what this is.

The greatest part of whenever we have our "sessions"... Is the way she looks at me. It is a look of desire. A look of lust. A look of unbridled want. It has been a while since I have received that look... and...

Hot diggity damn, it feels good to be wanted. If this sounds like I am bragging, well... Shut up. Let me have my moment! Thank you, oh so mucking fuch!

Here is why receiving a look like that makes the Ego roll over onto it's back and beg for a belly rub like a content dog... 

IF I can receive a look like that from a woman... An ATTRACTIVE woman at that... in a "virtual" setting... Maybe.. JUST maybe... I could do so in real life???

Last weekend, I was in San Antonio. On vacation at a four day event. Me and 350 some odd friends. Last year this event was in Austin and I was introduced to a lady. We exchanged pleasantries. Our mutual acquaintance told me after the event, that the lady was "interested".

Flattered as I was, I was also not interested in a long distance thing. The woman and I conversed ever so briefly on Facebook for a while. I think we were friends at one point. 

On Facebook, unless you are legacy, if you don't communicate directly with me at least one time in six months, Buh-Bye. I will defriend ya. Nothing personal, just them's the breaks, Sweetheart.

Well, she went Buh-Bye.

So... Friday night in San Antonio, I was told, by her, "I waited a year... and came here with the intention of fucking you."

Hot diggity... damn, it feels... good?... to be wanted? 

Couple of things... 1) After a year of build up, WHO THE FUCK could live up to those expectations? I would have to pull out the Roman Sex God handbook or some shit... 2) First I was hearing of this and I have not quite developed my "psychic muscle". How's about a head's up? 3) Would help if I had not been drinking heavily since noon and it is midnight 4) I have never been a fan, and grown out of "hit it and quit it". 5) I have never been comfortable with being another notch on someone's bedpost. Can thank my Sophomore year in high school for that one!

I guess the Ego, when stroked properly with the right implement, can make you feel pretty damn special. And that translates into you feeling more confident... which makes you more attractive... Which makes you wanted...

We all want that. Right?

_________________________________

One of the hardest questions you can get asked is, "What do you want?"

You have to search your soul. Reach down, behind the superficial. Prepare and bolster yourself for the vulnerability to honestly answer that question... Look into that person's eyes and tell them what you want...

Of course, they will listen to your deepest confession of want and reply, 

"No... For dinner, ya sappy bastard. What do you want to eat?" 

Good day, Sunshine,

d

This blog brought to you The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Beatles, and The Beatles. (I was in a mood, deal with it.)

* Yeah... took a weekend or two off... One was just "busy", the other was on vacation in San Antonio (Where all the world's humidity is created, lives, and dies)

Gloriously Envious

I am lying in bed this morning. Going through that mental checklist of the agenda. Get up. Get cereal. Check Best Buy ad. Gotta do the blog. Gotta call Mom. Gotta gym. Got landlord swinging by at 4 o' clock...

I am already running late because... I was up late doing... research... yeah, That's what we'll call it...

The trip to the kitchen, accompanied by the checking in of the damn dog, "Ah... Cereal... Nothing for me... Made me get up for nothing... Thanks, Dick.", ended with disappointment.

There was just enough cereal, upon a casual glance, to not make it to the grocery shopping list... But come this morning, not enough to really make a satisfying bowl of cereal. It was like a "cereal tease".

The concept for this weeks offering was lain out Wednesday night. On weeknights, I like to watch a quick, twenty two minute (no commercials, ya know) sitcom, to numb my brain a little before drifting off to slumber land.

The choices were a plenty, but then I stopped on "The Office". The U.S. version. That series will always hit a spot. The writers crafted a beautiful arc for two of the characters. When they finally, really and truly are together, you pump your fist in the air. I would venture because if someone thought it... It could possibly happen. And if is possible, it could happen for me.

It got me thinking of other cinematic romances that have resonated...

Clarence and Alabama

"True Romance" (1993) was lot of people's unbeknownst introduction to Quentin Tarantino. The two characters are in over their heads. Waaaay over their heads.

The only thing in their favor... Each other.

The flick ends with a monologue from Alabama that will always strike a chord on the ol' heartstrings...

"Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: 'You're so cool', 'You're so cool', 'You're so cool'. And sometimes Clarence asks me what I would have done if he had died, if that bullet had been two inches more to the left. To this, I always smile, as if I'm not going to satisfy him with a response. But I always do. I tell him of how I would want to die, but that the anguish and the want of death would fade like the stars at dawn, and that things would be much as they are now. Perhaps. Except maybe I wouldn't have named our son Elvis."

We all want to be thought of as "cool" by our partners...

Virgil/"Bud" and Lindsey Brigman 

In the "Abyss" (1989), it showed what "til death do you part." means...

There is a scene, where he basically has to let her die. And NOT JUST watch, but look into her eyes as... Fuck.,.. It has been 27 some odd years and it still causes me a shortness of breath... Then he saves her... (Spoiler alert!)

When it is his turn... and he is alone... in the dark... falling farther and farther... All he has, is her voice.

"I know how alone you feel... alone in all that cold blackness... but I'm there in the dark with you. Oh Bud... you're not alone... Oh, God. You remember that time - you were pretty drunk, you probably don't remember - but the power went out in that little apartment we had on Orange Street? We were staring at that one little candle, and I, I said something really dumb like, that candle was me, and like every one of us is out there alone in the dark in this life... and you just, you just lit up another candle and you put it beside mine and said 'No! See, that's me. That's me'... and we stared at the two candles, and then... well, if you remember any of this, I'm sure you remember the next part. But there *are* two candles in the dark. I'm with you. I'll always be with you Bud, I promise that."

The point of being a relationship is not just "not being alone". It is finding that person who bolsters you.., makes it so you feel invincible and able to face things by yourself... but there is the added benefit of just being with them.

Lloyd and Diane

I remember the high school I graduated, albeit barely, from had flyers hung up for the showing of "Say Anything" (again with the 1989).

It was so good at capturing the meaning of relationships for young adults, that even the board of education was of the impression that these idiot kids should see it.

Theirs would not be a romance without trials and tribulations... At the "reunion"... Diane exclaims, "Everything else means nothing to me. If I hurt you again, I'll die.".

Lloyd, who all young men should want to be more like, and not so blinded that he is without a pinch of concern, replies, "One question: are you here 'cause you need 'someone', or 'cause you need 'me'?... Forget it, I don't care."

Okay... his cynicism lasted five seconds... Love is helluva drug.

The movie ends with perhaps what we all hope for. A flavor of optimism that only comes from when you are coupled with someone who is wholly and fully on your side... and you are fully and wholly on their side. It is literally you and them versus the world - and the world would tremble if it knew what it was facing.

Diane Court: Nobody thinks it will work, do they?
Lloyd Dobler: No. You just described every great success story.

Wesley and Buttercup

I mean... c'mon... "The Princess Bride" (1987)...

The absolute surety... The zero faltering delivery of the line, "Hear this now: I will always come for you."

Buttercup, having been through some turmoil, questions, "But how you can be sure?"

Westley, THE MAN!, comes right back with, "This is true love - you think this happens every day?"

It is abundantly clear that while I enjoy the ren faires for a multitude of reasons, this flick has a lot to do with it as well... The air of chivalry... The fair maiden... The pirate... Oh, yeah...

And I swear to all that is holy and unholy... If you want to win the charms and affections of a lady or gent - About every fifth request from them... Throw down the line that, for close to three decades, has been code for three other little words...

"As you wish"

You're welcome.

Jim and Pam

As stated earlier, sitcoms are my wind down. I need to not think or care for a bit. I need something humorous to end my day.

I knew as soon as I started "The Office" (for the third or fourth time now), I was in for the emotional roller coaster that is Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley.

One episode they just look at each other for almost 30 seconds.. Not saying anything... but conveying a metric fuck ton of emotion. It should not work or have a place in a show, a comedy even, where they only have 22 minutes... But it is the moments like that make you give a damn about the characters. It "endears" you to them...

Jim loses a major sale... one that he states is 25% of his commission... But, since Pam fell asleep during a meeting and laid her head on his shoulder... He decrees it a "good day",

The best moment... The PERFECT moment... is at the very, very end of Season 3. The series had a pseudo-documentary feel to it. The scenes would either begin or be ended by an "interview", one on one with a character.

Pam is being interviewed, and she is asked a question... Jim steps in, interrupts, apologizes to the documentary film crew, and asks Pam if she is free for dinner.

Visibly taken aback, but quick with the "Yes" answer... She turns back to the camera, and in five seconds, with tears of unabashed happiness welling in her eyes, her face expresses a joy and a light that capture "love". Jenna Fischer knocked out of the fucking park in that scene...

I would make the suggestion that one regularly make the effort to see their partner "for the first time" now and again. Stop taking them for granted, and when they walk into a room, look at them as if you have not seen them for a month.

You're welcome... again.

Mom and Dad

Nothing beats the real thing, baby... or so the songs say.

Being inundated with the concept of love and romance, as interpreted by Hollywood, is neat and all. It gives you an ideal. It is engineered to make you have all the feels. That is their mission.

Being inundated with two people who love each other, every day is better. Through the grind. Through the routine. Through the monotony of life. THAT is the best gift I can never have. For the most part, I am okay with that fact... They have their thing... It works for them...

On certain aspects of their thing though, I am, as the title states, gloriously envious, of what my parents have. To me, it is the "freedom from uncertainty".

Dad KNEW... KNEW that everyday when he left for work... He kissed my Mom. In doing so, he said, "I am fairly positive I will see you again, but just in case, I want this to be my last act with you."

Ah... but why "fairly positive"??? Does that not counter your "freedom of uncertainty" statement???

No... And allow me to explain, ya doubtful galoot.

If something were to befall my Father at work, or on the way to or fro... He was certain that his wife, the woman he loves, had ZERO doubts as to his love for her... and THAT was his freedom from uncertainty.

Dad also KNEW that without FAIL... His wife, his love would be there to kiss him upon his return.

Pretty sure that would make any grind, any routine, easier to process. The job would be just a "thing to get through" in order to get home... and get that kiss.

After retiring, my Mom "Strongly Suggested" that Dad get a part time job... She mentioned missing kissing him when he got home... She essentially missed missing him...

Say it with me, "Awwwww"

_______________________________________

I know a lot of the examples listed are fairy tales. Some of them even made it to TV and cinema. It is easy to be envious of the kind of loves expressed and the actions, driven by said love, that our heroes an heroines undertake.

I guess I just want someone who would remember to get me some cereal for my Sunday mornings when I forget.

See you on Aisle 6,  

d

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White Glove to the Face!

This blog idea, or inspiration, came to me earlier this week Sometimes I sit down to write and basically have to pull something from my ass. Dad can usually weed those out and tells me "You wandered a bit on that one." Everyone's a critic.

We had some bad weather coming through, a line of storms on Tuesday night. The meteorologists were broadcasting doom and gloom.  They all but screamed, "HOLY SHIT!!! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!!! Now to sports..."

I got some lightning... A little rain... Not too much.

I have been thinking that there is zero challenge in my life right now... And while I would not mind something of a challenge, Mother Nature PMS'ing all over the crib is NOT on the list. NOTE: I am renting... and have renter's insurance... Again... none too challenging.

Why do we sometimes crave it a challenge? Simple, we want to know where we stand. What we can withstand. What is the threshold? What is too much?

I harken to Brad Pitt's Tyler Durden asking Edward Norton's the Narrator, in "Fight Club", "How much can you know about yourself, you've never been in a fight. I don't wanna die without any scars. So, come on and hit me before I lose my nerve."

In Tyler we trusted, but I got plenty of scars and been in my fair share of fights, thank you very much.

I won some, I lost some. I have gotten the shit kicked out of me. Thankfully, never literally, but as the father in "Friday" said, "You live to fight another day." You are tested in a fight in such a primitive and brutally, bloody, black and white manner... You win. You lose. End of list.

I guess that before supermarkets, Whole Paycheck Foods, and the like, as a man, you were tested in your hunter-gatherer role... So, no shortage of testosterone when you hunted, foraged, provided, and were compensated with female attention... and that was your SUNDAY!

Now that we are at the top of the food chain, the challenge of providing food for your family comes down to not punching that one co-worker who KNOWS it was your FUCKING YOGURT in the fridge... You Shaprie'd that shit with your name... Ugh...

If you were to punch that yogurt stealing sumbitch... you would get fired.. and therefore could not provide...

And before you say we are not at the top of the food chain... Bears, sharks, tigers, lions... Yeah... I know... If I see any of those things in my backyard, I stay the fuck inside... And wonder how in the name of all that is unholy did a shark end up on my patio?

Speaking of work... We all want a rewarding job... or at least that's what it says on the resume. We want to be challenged.  I am a programmer, and I like being presented with a challenging project.

I DO NOT like being presented with a request of "I need a report for <insert whatever their superior asked for>".

Mmmkay, Pum'kin... Do we capture that data anywhere? Have we ever captured that data? What data do you need to see on this "Just Pulled From Your Ass" Report? How would you like the data sorted?

We go back to the challenge of NOT punching Clueless McWasteMyTime in the word hole.

To me... The challenge comes in the form of, "What is the most elegant solution to the problem?" If other programmers were to come in after I won the lottery, would they have a moment of "Ahhhh, I like this bit of code here... Oooh... I see what you did with that... NOICE!"

Without a challenge in your workplace, you quickly reach stagnation. No movement. No catalyst for change. Makes for a long 9 to 5...

Life is the biggest challenge of all... and here's the punchline... You can't win! No one gets out of here alive!

When Rocky Balboa, in "Rocky Balboa", tells his kid...

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that AIN'T YOU! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.

That last line, of course, slays me... But still... Life is not a challenge, life is THE challenge.

I can't say anything to top ol' Rock... so... Moving on...

In Love the challenges are myriad... I want my potential mate to be smart, of course, but I want her to challenge my opinions, my preconceived notions...

I am kind of a stubborn asshole on certain things... Namely, whatever I declare "Awesome-sauce".

I will debate vehemently that Metallica's "Master of Puppets" is the greatest metal album of all time... If I were to go on a date and ask "whatshername" what the greatest metal album of all time is, there are maybe five contenders that I would allow her to state her case for.

If she were to offer "Silver Side Up" by Nickelback... I would finish my drink... Stand up... Walk out...

Couple of things that I realized about that example... 1) I really am an opinionated asshole on certain things... 2) I am very pleased that I had to google "Nickelback discography" to snag an album title for the shittiest band ever (NOT OPINION, VERIFIABLE FACT!).

The last date I went on, was pleasant. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the other party. Over the second drink, I ran permutations and did the mental calculations... and knew exactly how it was going to turn out. It was not a fairy tale ending... So... It was a one off date. Because there was no challenge.

Ah, Dear Dougie, you complete nincompoop... You can never tell how things will turn out and you are making decisions for the other person and that isn't fair to them!

Um... which is worse, making decisions for them or wasting their time?

Also, when I say I want a challenge from my lover... I don't mean constantly testing me... Constantly confrontational... And I sure as shit don't want mean or bossy...

The biggest challenge in love, to me, is being able to GIVE yourself to another person completely... without LOSING yourself in the process. Close second - when to ask for a threesome... Kidding. (it's 6th!)

__________________________________

We like to be tested. Weighed and measured. We like to know the benchmarks... SO WE CAN IMPROVE!!!

Just yesterday, I saw this...  

The one thing I wish I could impart to people is... Fail. Fail gloriously and LEARN FROM IT! Let that queasy feeling of "Damn, I messed up" gestate and burst forth in the next attempt. You may not get it right this time either... but you did not mess up the same way and that shit is called "Progress".

Also, when you think of your challenges... How insurmountable they are... How you are besieged... Just remember, there are people out there dealing with shit you can not even fathom. You could always find someone that will beat you in a "Fuck-Up Life Off" ala Wade and Vanessa. ("Deadpool" out on blu-ray, May 10th!)

Maximum effort,

d

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