Thanks, Frank Herbert

What scares you?

Please, don't say "Clowns". That is too easy and it is a universally known fact that clowns are scary as shit. Aliens could land today, pop out, look around and if they saw a child's birthday party... complete with a clown... Hopefully, they would be of high enough intellect to atomize the paint-faced demon....

About once a month or so, I will envision my death. Usually when I am crashing, lying in bed. I do not fear death itself, that is one of those "it's gonna happen" things. It is more the method by which I will shuffle this mortal coil.

The one thing that will make me have to get up and clear my head for about four hours is being constricted or trapped in a very small space, unable to move. Trapped. Buried alive. Succumbing to the inevitable darkness.

Another thing that causes concern is that I never really know how I ended up in such a state...

I can explain the phobia, having had to wear corrective braces on my feet when I was an infant. I can't remember how old I was. I can't remember anything about them. I can only guess I wasn't a fan then, and their effects linger to this day.

There is a fellow at work, who is not afraid to engage in conversation with me. He stopped by on Friday and the conversation ranged all over. He brought up something interesting. Dragons. If you look back through almost every civilization's mythologies, there be dragons!

Asian civilizations, European civilizations, Norse civilizations, Greek and Roman civilizations... All of them. Co-worker was telling me that the article he read was stating that a dragon is a conglomeration. A hodgepodge of fears.

Snakes? Check.

Wings of bats or raptor like birds? Check.

Mass and size of large predator animals? Check.

In some cases, BREATHES FIRE? Check.

That right there is a phobia potluck.

The article, and yes, I have searched for it to no avail, also states that there is a deep, deep seated conditioning from the way, way back. The little fur covered mammals (aka "our evolutionary ancestors") that ran in fear of giant terrible lizards (aka "dinosaurs")? Yeah... That "resonated".

Then there are the everyday fears... Not crippling per se, but present nonetheless.

There is the fear of not being able to do something. Failing. Boss wants me to be some Sharepoint guru... I have no clue what to do in Sharepoint, but apparently... I am the man for the job. It is scary, mainly because 1) I don't want to let her down. 2) She says if I get paid or not.

Another notable fear is the fear of someone watching your every move. I have never been a fan of a surveillance state... but that is the reality. There is an old adage that "By the time you get to work, you have broken at least 5 laws". Could anyone live up to continual scrutiny on a continuous basis? On a long enough timeline... complete innocence becomes a rarity.

Then there is the granddaddy of fears... No one wants to die alone. Now... That being said, it is unavoidable, but when you read, "They passed surrounded by loved ones.", it helps. A person who is very important to me actually read me a riot act this week. "You better find someone to care for you. What's gonna happen when your parents and Lily are gone?" Ouch... Truth has some sting on it.

The only fear that overrides previous one is being in a relationship with the wrong person. The loss of time. The loss of opportunities. The loss of your own sanity in some cases. The previous fear is THE prime suspect for being the number one reason we end up in bad relationships. Queue the viscous cycle!

With these phobias, all you can do is NOT let them cripple you. As a Master of Sinanju once stated to his pupil, "Fear is a just feeling. You feel hot. You feel hungry. You feel angry. You feel afraid. Fear can never kill you."

The only counter point I could find was from Bodhi... From "Point Break" (1991)... "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true."

One more quote that helps me make it through the scary times?

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain." - Paul.

 The sleeper has awakened. (Gotta love "Dune")

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We live in tumultuous and scary times. There is little doubt of that.

This is why escapism is almost mandatory. I play video games and read comic books. I binge on Netflix. I go to Ren Faires.

If you were confronted by all the horrors of the world all at once... You would end up like Marvin in "Pulp Fiction"... It would be like getting shot in the face.

Escapism is the cure for paralysis brought on by fear.

The main problem is that the people doing the TRULY scary shit... They are counting on your not being able to or even wanting to face it. They are counting on your inability to cope with "yet another scary thing". They are counting on your inattention. This is how they become President.

I do wish I had a more cheery blog for you... I do...

They mostly come out at night, mostly,

d

This blog brought to you by silence. Did not feel too musical this morning. Been a rough week.

Recipe For Cookies... Or Was It Disaster?

When I baked cookies, I approached it like I would assembling a piece of furniture, or say, performing a 180 day inspection on a -86 diesel generator that powers planes when on the ground.

I would follow the damn instructions.

The Air Force gave you a set of instructions to do every maintenance action imaginable on every piece of equipment. They did not take kindly to "Going off script." If you were to give something a whirl when assembling a piece of furniture and it turns out badly... You end up with a very uncomfortable "conversation piece".

So, as the title states, we will stick with the cookies. Yes, it's an analogy, dammit!

The first step would be reading the recipe. Getting the list of ingredients. Hmm... Lessee

2 1/4 coups of all purpose flour. (What other purposes does flour have??? Honestly? "On weekends I tutor blind kids on how to become fluffers on porn sets" or "I run an Alt Right support group... WHITE FLOUR!!!! WHITE FLOUR!!!")
1 teaspoon of baking soda.
1 teaspoon salt.
2 sticks of butter, softened.
3/4 cup granulated sugar.
3/4 packed brown sugar.
1 teaspoon vanilla extract.
2 large eggs. (You got runny cookies? You prolly used extra large eggs. Nice job, Rook!)
12 oz. package of chocolate chips.
1 cup of chopped nuts Fuck chopped nuts.

If you do not have all that... Do NOT try and make cookies. It will not end well.

This is also time for reasonable experimentation. In other things, like brownies and shit, the recipe calls for cooking oil or something... And you can substitute applesauce for the oil... I have personally had brownies with that very substitution and they were insanely good. Could not tell it was made with pre-chewed apples..

If you make cookies and substitute the granulated sugar with Turkish Hashish... well... Have some Doritos as a munchie back up. It would also be the biggest paradigm shift from aroma to taste... "Man... smells like cookies... aaaaaaaaand weed... My nose is very happy..."

Within the cookie recipe, that I have used since I started making cookies, I have made modifications. I usually throw in some more flour... Another quarter cup or so. I have been known to throw in some maple syrup, a teaspoon or so. My Moms would toss in a splash of coffee. Enough to make you question the flavor, but not overpower.

Last season at Scarborough Renaissance Festival, a bakery had Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies. They were so very good. The bacon was not overpowering, but present... That was a nice addition and could have easily ruined a decent cookie if overdone. It is where you are able to take some chances... Playing the "We Will See" card...

I was talking to my co-worker this week. The Russian Puppet Trump came up in conversation. Since November, the co-worker has been saying "We will just have to see."

Playing "We will just have to see" is fine when you are out twelve bucks in ingredients, a smelly kitchen, and maybe a cookie sheet... NOT WHEN FUCKING NUKES ARE INVOLVED!

The absolute ineptitude shown during the "peaceful transfer of power" has been so blatant and presented with every decision... It boggles the mind... Applying the recipe analogy to the presidency... The candidate Trump did not have ANY of the "ingredients" to make a good president.

It was like he showed up, via Trump Airlines, with Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, and Trump Vodka, with a degree in Culinary Arts from Trump University and said, "Who wants to make cookies???"

Every appointee to a cabinet position was a death sentence to that department. EPA? You get a climate change denier. HUD? You get a man who believes that the pyramids were grain silos. Labor? The guy who makes food porn commercials and is against the minimum wage. Not raising it... Just against it in general. He wants to be able to pay people less than minimum. Education? Someone who I am willing to bet has never stepped one toe into a public school... but her family contributed over 200 million to the GOP.

A confederacy of dunces is one thing... Rick Perry alone guarantees that title is appropriate. This is different. This is a suicide squad. And just like the movie... It does not look good.

Trump and his ilk are the last predators of that era. This is their last hurrah. This is their "Fire Sale"... "Everything must go!" He is going to set the whole thing on fire, and then walk away.

Um... Oven was only supposed to be set to 375 degrees...

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We don't have time for "We will see". Within HOURS, the climate change page on whitehouse.gov vanished.

We don't have four years to waste on this vile representative who will now be in the same company as Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, LE PETOMANE! (Sorry... "Blazing Saddles" makes everything better)

Seriously... Your kids will be taught about him. If you have, or know someone who has, sons or daughters serving in the armed services, they are under his command. If that doesn't give you a moment of pause...

As the all wise Oracle once said, "Take a cookie."

Times like these,

d

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Cleanse

Last night, the Lady, who I am enjoying the company of immensely, received a text from her "best friend since the age of three". The gist of it was "Hey, can you pick up my kid?"

Without getting into the details... It was an imposition. It was the crossing of a line.

I don't give one rat's ass if you want to live your life in a very fucked up manner. I really don't. I actually enjoy watching people fuck themselves up. It is a nice reminder that while I may not be perfect, I have done quite all right and made some good decisions along the way.

Also, I was very blessed to have a sane, pleasant childhood, supported by loving and caring parents. They provided an excellent archetype of how to navigate and thrive in this world. I still screwed up, and did crazy shit... BUT Mom and Dad were always there to tell me what an idiotic move it was... "Would you jump off a bridge if all your friends did???"

"Well... Not again..."

Did I have some people in my life that were less than stellar in character? Sure... Did I limit my interaction with them and shelter other, more righteous aspects of my life from those people? Of course I did. If I felt myself becoming more like those unsavory characters, did I excise them from my life? You betcha!

It was more difficult if they were female... Even more difficult if they had a nice ass...

My Father told me two things early on, when my social circle was "expanding", 1) "Know who your friends are," and 2) "If you look the man in the mirror in the eye and don't like what you see, you are doing it wrong."

"Doing what wrong?"

"Life."

He did not mean looking in the mirror to check your make up or your hair... 

The most important thing in being able to recognize the toxic people in your life is to first and foremost know your self. You have to know true north on your moral compass in order to know when your ass is off course.

A close second to knowing yourself is knowing your self worth. Knowing what you will and will not do. Compromise is an unavoidable facet of any relationship. That being said, a true and good friend would never ask you to compromise your morals.

Without those two things firmly established... You are susceptible to toxic people. There is a difference between people who are simply self centered and selfish, and the truly toxic. A selfish person is capable of being called out on their selfishness, and acknowledging the fact they were being a prick. The biggest repository of selfish people usually come with the label of "teen".

Everyone on the planet is, at one time or another, guilty of being selfish... It is a human trait and to a certain degree healthy... Hell.. it is a necessity... Again, TO A DEGREE...  Even Superman had the Fortress of Solitude. He needed his space... His "me time"...

If you were to call a truly toxic person "selfish", it would the same as calling a brick wall "selfish". There is ONLY their "self". Everyone else is here FOR them. They have no comprehension that their could possibly be repercussions for their actions. 

They fly by "egocentric" at Mach 8.

If you try to point out their shortcomings, or faults in any way, no matter how constructively done or delicately stated, it is seen as an attack. Every thing they say or do is more important than anything you could possibly offer. They will ask your opinion on a subject, only looking for validation for their point of view.

(NOTE: Wow... I tried avoiding talking about the TV Show Host elect... I swear...) 

If you have identified a toxic person in your life... How do you eliminate the toxicity?

The best way... Be happy that you are not them. Hell, just be happy and make sure that that happiness does not have one fucking thing to do with them. Be sure to let them know it too...

If you are doing better than they are... They will leave you alone and look for someone else to poison. Viruses are like that... Opportunistic.  

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At the end of the day, as I stated earlier... If someone wants to live their life in a toxic manner... That is fine... 

However. Comma.

When your fucked up manner of living starts interfering with MY life... MY plans... And is upsetting the Lady who I deem special to me, and with whom I am enjoying time with...  You have moved out of the "toxic person" arena into "fucking cunt" domain.  

Sadly, if you have a friend, who is beset by a toxic person and can't seem to shake them... You can't "make" them ditch the two legged venom sack... It is not your place. 

All you can do is make sure that, when asked, you give your full and honest opinion of that walking piece of shit. For the record, if you are subjugated to story after story of how much of how toxic they are... That counts as a "cry for help" and an "asking of your opinion"...

Give 'em both barrels. If all else fails... write a blog.

My friends all drive Porsches, 

d

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The Phrase That Pays

I love words... I love turns of phrase... I love a nice play on words. They are my verbal bullets in which to riddle my enemies (SEE!!!! Riddle = befuddle AND riddle = punch holes in!!!). I watch the eyes dim as the greater than three syllable words sap processing power from the rest of their automatic nervous system. I am VOCABALLISTIC!

I have been thinking about phrases that, when said, have the full intention and meaning behind the sentiment being expressed. However, a very large percentage of the population will take the meaning as something else entirely. Here are some of the prime examples...

"And now something from the new album..."

Unless it is a monster album, one that is just track to track genius... This is the universal code to go get a beer, shop merch, or hit the restroom during a concert. When I saw Rush, and they were performing "Moving Pictures" in it's entirety, I knew that after "Limelight", I had some time to kill. The next song , "The Camera Eye", is almost eleven minutes long for fuck's sake.

The last concert I went to was Black Sabbath. I was never the biggest fan of "Hand of Doom"... so... REFILL. That was a tough one. They played NOTHING from this century... Hell, they did not play anything post 1980!

I have tickets for Roger Waters this summer. July 3rd... Next day off, Baby!!! I am looking forward to checking off a great many tunes from my "Sonic Bucket List". He already stated that it would be 75% Pink Floyd stuff and 25% solo or newer stuff. I will have a very comfortable bladder to be sure. Killer buzz as well.

My suggestion to all avid concert participants... Go to http://www.setlist.fm/. If you are going to see someone perform, scope out the set lists from a few of the dates before your show. It might not be 100%, but it will give you a good guess as to what you are gonna see. Also, that site has the set list from that concert you went to... Yes... Even that one. Here's the set list from the Motley Crue concert my partner in crime and I took our English Teacher to... Good times. R.I.P. Medberry!

The never ending phalanx of corpo-generated pop "artists" probably could not function without the same set list every night. How else would these "stars" remember what the next song they were going to lip sync???

"It takes some getting used to..."

I picked up an indoor cycling trainer. The back wheel sits cradled between two rollers. The front wheel sits, precariously, on a single roller... There is a band that connects a rear roller to the front roller. Easier to just show a pic...

What could POSSIBLY go wrong???

On the site I purchased this from, there was a video clip showing this thing in action. The man in the video, and I am just assuming his status as a "professional", stated that "It takes some getting used to..."

I thought back to my purchase of "clip in" bicycle shoes... and I remember hearing that particular set of words, in that particular order... And it struck me... When a "person who knows" says this, it simply means...

"You are going to get hurt."

At least once, you will end up on your ass. There might be blood. I fell twice with the clip in shoes. I am thankful I distributed the falls evenly, one to the right, and one to the left. Scars are neat!

Before trying this contraption out, I will make sure my phone is in my pocket. Makes dialing the paramedics easier. I will probably even wear my helmet... Indoors... Wish me luck!!!

"Some assembly required"

If you are in a relationship, or helping a friend build something, this phrase is one of the bigger tests that can be placed on said relationship.

If you are single, and tackling something challenging, be prepared to curse. And I don't mean the simple curse words that can be called upon with zero effort... No... I mean the stream of vulgarity that will flow from your mouth will make you gasp in horror. "I just said that?"

I am sure that some of you can handle the majority of instructions laid out before you, and while there may be one or two steps that you take a moment to ponder... but you got a handle on it... Try to think back to that first bed you bought in college... Or that first dresser...

Oh yeah... "Some assembly required" pretty much meant the utterance "I fucking hate you all and hope your dog bites your junk off... only after leaving you, going to the Khandahar province in Afghanistan, becoming radicalized, coming back to you, screaming 'Allahu Akbar!', THEN biting your junk off. I hope you are left genital-less, with a militant canine, preferably a Pomeranian, with a taste for human flesh. Bright Side - TALKING DOG! Down side - Only says hateful shit." (That was to the person who wrote the instructions to whatever monstrosity you were attempting to build.)

"Results may vary"

This translates to anyone, selling you anything, saying, "So, in which minute were you born, Sucker?"

This is the "olly olly oxen free" of disclaimers. As long as this is mentioned somewhere in the promotion, the seller is golden. Absolved of any and all fault if whatever product they be pimping does not produce as advertised.

It is the rallying cry of the supplement market... which is substantial... "This pill will make you stronger, thinner, prettier, happier, sexier to the opposite sex, sexier to the SAME sex, sexier to octogenarians, more outgoing, more loved by your Mother (You should call her, she worries ya know), funnier, grow better hair - where you want it!, grow less hair - where you don't want it!, jump higher, go father, faster, able to fly, perform card tricks, communicate with your militant canine (That is one pissed off Pom!), and finally, it will make your farts smell like roses.... Results may vary."

That pill can do none of those things, and if you try to get your money back... Well... Best of luck with that one, Pum'kin.

This next one is a multi-part...
"Turn on the news!"
"Which channel?"
"Doesn't matter..."

If you have been alive long enough, you will have heard this sequence. It is the universal "Something really bad has happened."

This most recent one was 9/11. There was confusion. There was disbelief. Then came the "Nothing will ever be the same."

I am sure that it was the same on a chilly day in late November, 18.3 miles from where I sit now. All the stations were covering the assassination of Kennedy, but Walter Cronkite, intruding upon "As The World Turns", was the "Most Trusted Man in The Country".

Watching his sadness... His humanity... pierce through his professionalism as he announced the death of Kennedy makes me wince every time I see it.

I remember calling my Mom when the O.J. Simpson verdict was read. Asking how much money does one need to get away with murder? I remember that being on every... And I mean EVERY station, as cable news networks were in full swing by then... I also remembering moments before the verdict was read... Will the ensuing riots be in protest or celebration?

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I don't know when a phrase enters that elite status of "universally understood double meaning". There are the classics, like "Bless their heart, but..." and "Don't get offended, but...". The first almost does not count if not delivered in a thick, southern accent. The later is not so much double meaning, just an asshole's way of saying something asshole-y.

As of now, the latest and greatest contender would be "Believe Me!"/"Trust Me!". The reason it did not make the list above is because it is primarily interpreted as "Don't believe me/Don't trust me" when uttered by the TV Show Host Elect... Bless his heart.

Let your love light shine,

d

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The Source of My Discourse

With the brand spanking newness of 2017 comes the urge to make resolutions. I have a few in mind, but only one word keeps flashing in my mind like a giant, Las Vegas style, neon sign...

RESIST.

Me being the curious type, I am trying to quantify the word. Am I trying resist the urge to slap stupid people? Am I to resist the upcoming administration's plans to overthrow  govern this country? Am I supposed to resist temptations placed before me? Sali's Pizza... I am looking at you...

If I had to pick one, I would go with the second option. The third option is unattainable. Soooo good.

So, if I am to resist, what is the best way to do so? Not watch the inauguration? That won't be too difficult. Not like any real entertainers are showing up!

Here is why that would not do any good... First, the people who love the TV Show Host Elect will be watching in droves. Second, the people who hate the TV Show Host Elect will be watching in droves. Either way, he wins. He thrives off of both love and hate. The only thing he can't stand is being ignored. Now, we will have no choice.

All I have is my blog here, and my voice in my sphere of influence. I will use it as I see fit. Now, every voice needs a muse, an inspiration. Like the title states... I need a source for my discourse. Sadly, as a far, far better writer than I once quipped, "If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you're misinformed." Well, not much has changed since Mark Twain threw that little nugget out there.

HOWEVER, if you DO find yourself like minded in your urge to NOT "Just accept it"... I offer the following sources in which to fuel your engines of unruliness.

Samantha Bee - Hey... It's a lady! "Full Frontal with Samantha Bee" showed up in February, 2016 and promptly kicked everyone in the bathing suit area. She was the first late night host without a penis, so she decided to double down in the balls department. The title alone is hilarious in that it teases sexuality, but has zero to do with nudity. No, it is a full frontal assault on bullshit.

Mrs. B gained attention, and cut her teeth under Jon Stewart's reign on the "The Daily Show". She took the same format and brought her own "tenacity" to the mix. In her segments, when interviewing people, she was masterful at letting the audience know exactly what the interviewee was shoveling her way smelled like...

"Friend" her show on Facebook. The day after the show airs, she puts up the segments on her feed.

Her show is usually on once a week. That is a major "Con", but can also added to the long list of "Pros". They have time to polish the bits... They have time to do this thing called "Fact Checking". The major networks may wanna look into that.

John Oliver - The Brit. Like all subjects of the Crown, his delivery is poised and sounds dignified... Until it doesn't! He will straight up lose his shit when needed... and to great comedic effect. He and his staff have already won two Emmys. The ones routinely split between Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for the past forever. (Both of  whom Oliver worked with...)

With "Last Week Tonight" only being on once a week, and on HBO, it is masterfully presented and the preparation is felt through the screen. When he talks about the hours of research he and his staff have done on a topic, you are left with little doubt that they busted their asses.

The major downside to his show is that once they pick a topic... That is it... Anything you could say about said topic will look like the ramblings of the village dullard compared to the surgically precise delivery witnessed on that program. I have had to scrap more than one blog idea because I knew Oliver and Co. had covered it already to perfection.

I will lose a good chunk of time going to youtube.com, searching on "Last Week Tonight", clicking the first result, and letting it play... and play... and play.

Devastating. Brutal. Scathing. Scorched. Those are words I have used in describing the recipients of that show's attention. That show definitely makes me want to up my game. I also love that show for their allowed usage of "fuck". It's like a warm comfortable blanket of swearing... *snuggles*

Trevor Noah - In his last broadcast on "The Daily Show", Jon Stewart told his viewers, "The best defense against bullshit is vigilance. If you smell something, say something." A young African gent took up the reins and has been charging full speed in his olfactory guardianship.

Trevor Noah and "The Best Fucking News Team" have been continuing the good fight. In the midst of the buffoonery and jokes, they lay down some hard, hard truths. They point out glaring hypocrisies by all sides of the aisle, without favor.

It is not their fault that Republicans are habitually two faced and lie constantly.

Trevor is a damn fine interviewer. I appreciated him having Tomi Lahren on. He has completely differing views than the spoiled, little, white girl from Dallas who thinks her shit doesn't stink. His interview was cordial, yet probing and unapologetic in it's tone.

He also was a trooper and was back on the air ONE DAY after his appendix burst.

The team puts on four shows a week and not all of the bits are winners. They just can't be. I still get more information and perspective from a failed bit on that show than I do from an hour of cable news. At least on "The Daily Show" the skepticism normally generated from the "news" is offset by humor.

New, full episodes are available on comedycentral.com, usually the day after airing. Ads are a small price to pay!

VICE News - This is the one devoid of humor. There is rarely mirth emitting from these stories. If the others are a commentary with a humorous wrapping to make it easier to swallow, this is the jagged pill.

It is not supposed to be easy to swallow. You should come away wanting to smash the system. You should come away wondering how things got this jacked.

It is on HBO... So access is not available to everybody.OH WAIT! Just go to youtube.com and type "VICE News" in the search bar... Lo and behold... REEEEE-ZULTS!

Here is why 50% of my choices are from HBO... They answer to NO ONE. They have no commercial aspect. They already got PAID!!! Censors? Um... They can go blow a goat. Corporate sponsors? WHAT SPONSORS???

News channels have people to answer to. They have sponsors. If NBC has a commercial in the second block of programming of the nightly news for... I dunno... a new drug called "assholinall", and it is suddenly found to cause explosive diarrhea in cats who get sneezed on by the person taking it...

THEY ARE GOING TO BURY THAT STORY! VICE News would crawl up the pharmaceutical companies ass with a flashlight. One of those old ones... That get really hot...

They also have a world perspective that is refreshing. Been in Syria? Yup. Been in NORTH KOREA??? Yup. They are not afraid. They report NEWS. Not some fluff piece about a water skiing squirrel. Not some human interest story about kids who help little old ladies learn about smoking crack...

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All of these shows are thumbing their nose at the mired in mediocrity that is the "Mainstream Media". They are not abiding by the playbook, but are true to the one true creed of journalism.

I will save you a click and state the most important one...

"I believe that the public journal is a public trust; that all connected with it are, to the full measure of their responsibility, trustees for the public; that acceptance of a lesser service than the public service is betrayal of this trust."

I find the group above m to be the last bastions of sanity in the 24 hour News Cycle... Because they don't play by the rules. Three out of four make ya laugh while making just a little bit smarter.

In this new age where facts do not matter, logic has gone "buh-bye", and justice is a "conceptual matter", laughter is going to be the best way to "Deal With It!", as we are told to do so by people who voted for a TV Show Host.

We cannot afford to be neutral on a moving train,

d

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