IT'S RIP #$%@& TAYLOR!

I didn't want to write this weekend.

I am afraid of a few things... First and foremost, tomorrow is my first day back at work since the 18th. Nine days off. I may have forgotten a password to a server or two...

In the first five of these nine glorious days of "not a fucking care in the world", I did nothing. I binged Game of Thrones, I played some Xbox, I made a trip to the grocery or booze store, but seriously nothing of import.

Then... I made a date.

The date was Friday evening. Just a meet and greet. We are now planning seeing each other tomorrow night. The first second date of 2016. We like each other. She is absolutely gorgeous.

This will also make tomorrow at work that much more of a bitch to get through.

So... I am happy. Which does not lend itself to writing a blog where you rant and rave about shit. I remember the band Godsmack, talking about their third album being the most difficult...

"Hard to be pissed off and angry when you are a millionaire."

So... with that in mind... I would like to take this moment to talk to Hallmark, American Greetings, and Blue Mountain... The top three greeting card companies...

GLITTER ON CARDS SUCKS BIGGER THAN THE BIGGEST SUCK THAT EVER SUCKED SUCK.

Seriously... I got my birthday card from Mom and Dad, and after checking for money, read it. Beautiful sentiment... Truly... There were tears... Wiped my eyes! (Not really, but Mom is an avid reader and she was happy for that nanosecond... Was a nice card Mom! sincerely!)

I went to the bathroom, to accomplish the tasks you do when you enter a bathroom, and as I was passing the mirror, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimmer...

Upon gazing at my face, it looked as if I had been booby bitch slapped by a bountiful bevy of bombastically bosom-ed burlesque dancers... Honestly, I have been to gentleman's clubs and have exited wearing less glitter than I did reading this card.

Now, there is only one greater offense in the "card sending world" and that is: adding confetti to cards. Some people want to pack their invitation to Taylor's Second grade Graduation with Rip Taylor levels of confetti...

For you young'uns...

"Thank you for the card... And making me break out the fucking vacuum cleaner. Also, can't wait till I am moving out of this house fourteen years from now and still finding fucking confetti... My RSVP now stands for 'Really? Suck Venomous Penis!'"

By intrinsic properties... If I get a glittery card, that has confetti in it... I am legally absolved of all wrong doing. KILL CRAZY RAMPAGE!!!!!

Heretofore known as the "The Hallmark + Asshole Defense Loophole"

Christmas is coming, people. Make it snow... but not with glitter. I mentioned this to my date while on the phone. Her first response was to think of a person she really is not a fan of, but will probably have to end up sending a card to... I could HEAR the evil smirk! "Hmmm... Confetti"...

I do like her.

__________________________________

I am soooooooooooo looking forward to tomorrow...

While I am not blinded by emotions (yet), I am happy that there IS potential. Potential denotes possibilities. Possibilities are based on odds and as a not so great smugglar once remarked, "Never tell me the odds."

Then he went and successfully navigated an asteriod field. (3720:1, against. ALPHA GEEK!)

2016 has blown all magnitudes of goat. If this is how 2017 is ushered in, I am okay with that.

It's a beautiful morning,

d

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Ka Thoo Loo - It'll Make Sense

Talking with Moms earlier this week. She pondered why when it was cold, the wind was more audible. When it gets cold... The wind seems to be screaming. I am sure there is some science to it... but I just feel like it is because it is the dying time of year.

I thought back to all the cold nights I have had, and there have been quite a few. They were never ending, and always were somehow darker.

Nights where the wind is howling, and you are waiting on someone you love, who is travelling... You know the roads are treacherous, vision is compromised, and you are powerless. The. Worst. Nights. Ever.

December of 1990, I was waiting on my parents. They were on the road from Kansas... Basically coming to pick me up at my grandparents house in Michigan. I was an adult... 18 years old for about six weeks... I had gone out into the big bad world, and subsequently had my ass solidly handed back to me.

Smoking like a chimney, as I watched the snow fall and listened to the whine of the wind through the giant pines, accompanied by the solemn voice of Mr. Presley crooning "I'll Be Home For Christmas" from the ever present kitchen radio. Sitting in the dark... and watching every set of headlights coming down E Drive... Hoping they turned into the driveway.

I remember the relentless winds of Kansas winters. Going out to the wood pile to get an "all-nighter" for the stove. Cracking open the door, hearing a scream of wind as the seal was broken. It was like a front in a battle... a horde of invaders, making all the noise they could to intimidate the defenders, warm in their keep.

The Kansas winds of winter were equally brutal in that there was no escape... If you were outside, and it was windy, you were cold. End of story. You could put on as many layers as you wanted... But that wind would sneak... penetrate... creep in... and hit that one spot on the top of your butt crack that reduces your bladder to that of a 10 year old girl's on a road trip.

I was in a "treehouse" above a shed in Andover, Kansas. My "girlfriend" on my lap - for purely warmth sharing purposes (Oh, the lies we told!). I was a Sophomore so... Started feeling funny... And oh so good! ("No, I am just happy to see you... Nothing in my pockets!") I remember holding her, and her telling me that she liked my hands because they made her feel secure and safe. I floated home that night...

In the military, I spent winter the winter of 1995/96 in Turkey and while it never got super cold, the winds would sweep down from the Taurus Mountains. I remember the tents being rated for 45 mph winds. I also remember the night we got word that a storm was coming through with gusts up to 60 mph. Not a lot of sleeping going on as the tent "breathed"... And try sleeping with stakes and a mallet... A couple of tents in Tent City (aptly named!) were toppled, we were lucky though. However, I will never, ever forget that sound.

Again, I have no clue as to why just the SOUND of a 15 mph wind, in December, makes you shiver. The same breeze is not even audible in the summer. Also, a 15 mph wind in the summer is almost a blessing! Winter has "wind chill", summer has "heat index"... Both equally shitty, like oral sex from a rabid honey badger. Having never received oral administrations from Mellivora capensis, suffering from a virus in the Mononegaviralis order... I am just guessing it would be pretty no bueno.

The song that will always and forever take me to those nights where you feel you will never get warm again is "The Call of Cthulu" (refer to Title! Told ya!) by Metallica... just the opening 15 seconds alone...

It's an instrumental Mom, so... You don't have to worry about not understanding the words.

Like I mentioned earlier, cold and windy nights always seem darker. I don't think there has ever been a "happy" story that started with "It was cold, dark, and the wind was blowing..." 

Winter is the season of dying. The wind in the winter is the exhalation of that death... The could be the reason that the wind sounds different. The last struggling gasp before the calm and rebirth of spring. The loudest the breezes of other seasons ever got was in Type O Negative's cover of Seals and Croft's "Summer Breeze".

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, I remember the winter nights of absolute stillness. Where it seems like a spell has been cast and the first sound is shockingly loud... and pulls you out of the trance.

One nights in Michigan, where I was smoking outside, marvelling at the serenity of the night and suddenly I was aware of a deer plodding through the grandparents yard... Both of us startling each other...

The night in Texas, three years back when a freeze came through, knocking out power. I remember waking up to what I thought were gunshots. Confused and trying to listen for the offending racket... I was amazed at how eerily quiet it was... then KRRRRRKRACK! as a tree limb gave way to the weight of the ice.

This post was brought on by the aforementioned conversation with Moms, and the fact that the first true cold snap hit this Friday. Had to turn on the heater today.

The first-time-heater-comes-on-burnt-smell is for another blog. 

___________________________________________

This week I did my best to provide an escape from the current state of affairs... I felt I needed a respite from the deluge of shitty, shitty news coming from the next Administrative branch.

Just reminiscing about winters past, makes me happy... It also brings a twinge of sadness. I scoped the Google maps, Earth view for my grandparents place. It is gone. Wiped from existence. It lives on in my minds eye... and in my heart. While I remember, and cherish, hundreds of memories, I lament those I can't recall...

What I would not give for one more night, windy or not.

Caught beneath the landslide,

d

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Setting The Course of My Discourse

It has been a long ass week. There is no mirth in the air. Everything is tinted with uncertainty.

Yesterday was my birthday, and while I received the warmest and kindest well wishings, I felt zero reason for celebrating.  It took me a while to put my finger on it... then it hit me... I am in grief.

Denial

Are there really that many white guys who want to say the "n" word? I am flabbergasted by the "Secret" vote that showed up and proved the pollsters and data crunching types completely wrong. I am talking about "guys who never have kissed a girl" data crunching types...

I saw some of the Colbert coverage on election night... When it became apparent that things had gone so horribly wrong, the tone shifted and became somber and morose. It was just sad.

There are petitions screaming for the electoral college, who officially declares the votes on December 19th to cast their votes for Clinton. If there was ever an example of denial... I think this sums it up.

Donald Trump, TV Reality Show Host, Real Estate "Mogul", Daddy Made Millionaire, Thrice divorced, Contractor Stiffing, Fraudulent University Creating, Six Time Bankruptcy Surviving, Pussy Grabbing/Sexually Assaulting, Daughter Creeping, Climate Change Denying, Birther Movement Leading, Tax and Draft Dodging, Meat Peddling, and just all around piece of shit, is going to be President.

FUCKING ANGER

Have I had visions of his demise run through the ol' noggin here? Of course. My mind hit a new level of sadism that even scared ME. I had to take a moment after looking through the Home Depot advert and I spotted a 10ft. chainsaw pole... That's right... Shish-Ka-Don...

Still, even then, you have that Race Bannon bastard as Veep... Seriously... Here... Look...

What a douche. And he thinks you can electrocute the gay out of someone... and evolution is evil...

Anger is always the secondary emotion... Usually the manifestation from the hurt you are feeling... And when you get hurt... You want to know "just who the fuck made you hurt?"

The media has to take a nice heaping of blame for this debacle. Giving someone an estimated FOUR BILLION dollars in air time, because of your whore like addiction to ratings, is one of the key ingredients in this shit show.

I would also like to say "Privet, Tovarishch!" to all the Russian State sponsored propagators of propaganda! Russian heads of state are now coming forward and saying that they had meetings with the Trump campaign. Samantha Bee did a nice little piece about the Russian agents manipulating the election through social media outlets. As for her "sources"... They were THE RUSSIAN AGENTS themselves!!!

This brings up a new aspect to this election, that really rose to prominence... Media Gravitas... A political pundit, schooled in Political Science, been on the beltway for over a decade, and considered to be an expert, can write a wonderful piece for a publication, or website. It will say how much the world will just suck shit if Trump is elected...

And some pimply faced, goat fucker, sitting in his shit stained boxers can publish a fucking OPINION on a mocked up, completely fictional website, and as long as it "feels right" to the mouth breathers... It is given the same credence as the article in the previous paragraph.

Big blame to people not doing their own research... Only wanting to be spoon fed opinions... Bumper Sticker nuggets, easily digested and put into their repository of "debating points". "She's a criminal!". Right... So... She was not charged because why? Key word in that sentence is "charged". Clinton was never even CHARGED.

Could blame the DNC... They fucked my man Bernie squarely in the ass... Yeah, they knew what was "best" for the country. Actually, they were worried because for most of his career, the Berning Man had a nice "(I)" after his name... He would hold the DNC to task, as well as the RNC.

People who voted Third Party should take some heat. Some of the races were close that those votes could have made the difference between four years of continued prosperity and growth, and "Who the fuck knows if tomorrow will even fucking exist?"

Rachel Maddow, my not so secret man crush, said it so very wonderfully,

"If you vote for someone who can not win for President, it means you do not care who wins for President."

I voted. I cared. I hurt. I rage.

Bargining

If I believed in the notion of a soul, I doubt I would offer to sell it if we could get a do over on this election. Besides, it is well documented that I sold my soul to Jesus when I was seven or some shit... I was young and needed the Legos.

I think out of all the stages, this is the most deceptive to know whether you are out of it or not. Do you tell yourself that if you can go the whole day without picturing Trump supporters getting the "Inglorious Basterds" treatment on their foreheads, then you are good to go!

For those not familiar, that is where you take a large knife and carve a fucking swastika in their fucking forehead (This is a good case I might still be in the "Anger" phase). This way, if they are not in KKK robes, and not out screaming the n-word, or pulling women's hijabs, you can still just look at them and know them for the pieces of shit they are.

Now... Are all people who voted for Trump racist, xenophobic, misogynistic and homophobic pieces of shit??? NO.

Let me repeat that... NO. They are not.

HOWEVER... They supported and voted for Racism. They supported and voted for Xenophobia. They supported and voted for Misogyny. They supported and voted for Homophobia.

The KKKandidate showed his colors on the campaign trail.

I will concede that a subset of those who voted the way they did... Was because they felt that they have been ignored. Regardless of party, they have been neglected as candidates fly over and breeze on by. They reckon an outsider just might have their interests at heart. They literally feel that they have nothing left to lose... and they are not "incorrect". I just wish they did not include the rest of us in their vortex of suck.

If I had a soul, I would sell it to try and shelter these people. They will be the ones fucked the hardest by this colossal orange turd.

Depression

There are already sad, sad tidings of the upcoming administration's appointees. Ebell for the EPA is one of the biggest Climate Change Deniers there is... So, hope you like higher AC bills for longer periods of time... It is going to get hotter.

Dr. Ben Carson might be in charge of the Dept. of Education job. Napping will be allowed in science class and prayer will be mandatory?

I was saddened to see a post where teachers did not really know what to say to their students Wednesday morning... Instead of history being made and it being a celebration, there were students chanting "Build The Wall!" in a lunchroom...

It seems that the Trump tax strategy is that same as Brownback's in Kansas. I have plenty of friends in Kansas... and the word that bestdescribes that particular plan: fucking calamity. It was supposed to be the Republican alternative. It truly is an alternative... an alternative to economic prosperity and job growth.

I am sad that a legacy of a good presidency is in true jeopardy. Through this whole week, the President showed nothing but class, even nobility, in extending his hand, and his help, to the incoming administration.

Hopefully it rubbed off on Trump. THIS is how you are supposed to act in victory... AND defeat. Not like a vindictive, vile, petulant little grade school bitch.

Acceptance

I have accepted that there will be loses... We are looking at losing anything resembling a viable 4th Estate. The media will be running scared if Trump goes forward with his "Libal Law Reform"... Which is basically code for "PISSING ON FREE SPEECH" and "WIPING YOUR ASS WITH FREEDOM OF THE PRESS".

So far the only late night host who did not shit all over the Donald, was Jimmy Fallon... And he was essentially called a gutless coward for it... Jay Leno would be proud.

Affordable Care will be the first casua... Strangely enough, this Friday, Trump seemed to indicate that "modifications" would be coming, but seemed to recant the total gutting of Obamacare... So..,

I have also accepted there will be some gains...

The number of hate crimes will skyrocket. I saw numerous "Day One in Trump's America" posts. Swastikas painted on walls. "Deportation Notices", printed by some little miscreant, handed out in a high school. Stories of women's hijabs being pulled off...

I would like everyone to start calling them "Trump Crimes". Hashtag that shit. #trumpcrimes

Please, before you blindly go pasting stuff in your social media feeds... Snopes that shit!!! Make sure you are not furthering false accusations, and painting a false narrative. If you continuously post things that are later debunked, it becomes a whole "boy who cried wolf" narrative.

And that is precisely what they want. When the cries of the victims are no longer heard, or muted by all the other noise... The Trumpzi Nation will REALLY begin to go to work.

The bigots, racists, xenophobes, and homophones... They now have a "It's okay now" mentality.

If you do one thing or take one thing away from reading this...

If you see something happening to someone, and it is apparent it is motivated by race, religion, nationality, or sexual orientation... DO SOMETHING... PLEASE! Record it! Call the cops! DO NOT LET THEM ASSAULT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN FRONT OF YOU!

If you do nothing... You are just one of the "Good German People of the late 30's and early 40's".

I know acceptance is the last and hardest part of grieving... It helps to have an exact date in mind...

______________________________________

Trump will leave office. He will go back to his gold plated apartment in the building with his name on it. We will be the ones left holding the bill... Remember that.

I was tired after eight years of the Retarded Cowboy.Bush Jr... Hate is exhausting. I don't know if I have four more of it in me. But for you... Reader... I will do what I can.

I have spent this week in "Saving Pvt. Ryan" beach mode... Grainy, shaky, and shell shocked...

I have also been planning my next moves... Starting with this here blog... I know that at work I am going to be MORE PC... I will correct micro aggressions whenever and wherever I can... I will make their redneck arteries explode... I will speak out MORE against the Rapist Elect.

Telling me to "Accept the election" and "Stop protesting" is the surest way to make me do the exact opposite... I am the Captain. (TITLE MAKES SENSE NOW, DON'T IT?)

All circuits are busy, try back again,

d

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No Accountants Were Harmed

Money...

Some of my friends automatically went into the Pink Floyd tune, with "it's a gas" being a good following lyric.

If there is a commonality among the majority of humans on this planet, it's money. We all have to have it in order to procure provisions and shelter for our individual survival... And if you have enough of it, you will attract a mate for the propagation of the species... RIGHT ON, MASLOW!

In order to procure it, we have to do something of value to someone else who does want to do whatever it is or is incapable of performing the deed, and is willing to give you their money in order to do it. See... the definition of prostitution!

So, you work, you get money, you spend money. Rinse and repeat.

One trend emerging that causes concern, is that more than some of the millennial generation was simply given everything. So the whole "Working to get what you want" notion just does not appeal to them.

I always want to be there when the parents tell them "No, I will not get you a new <insert whatever bauble asked for here>, get it yourself", and see that look of "Whaaaaaa?" cross Tristan's face. It is as succulent as it is momentary, as they know the grandparents will indubitably cater to their whims.

I don't think balancing a checkbook, or doing household finances, is even a subject in schools anymore. I have been away from the education system long enough to have zero clue as to how they are NOT preparing kids for life these days. I just know they are not.

It took me a while after high school to get a handle on the whole "paying bills" and shit. If memory serves from almost 24 years ago, in Augusta, KS., if you got the BLUE notice that your water was going to be shut off, you HAD to pay the bill... The white, green and yellow notices were just for "FYI".

I also had the whole "being married" thing working for (and against) me. X1 (first ex wife) did the household finances and, by all accounts (PUN!), she did a good job. I was in the USAF, she worked three jobs at one time, and paid dem bills, yo.

After the divorce, I was living on McChord AFB, and pretty much had zero bills... I also was 24 and learning to laundry for the first time... Lots of growth, and growth is nothing if not painful. Food and shelter? Check. Female companionship? I was really cute then... so CHECK! My main expenditure was alcohol.

X2 also took care of the finances. For a while. When the Ambien binges pretty much rendered her "loopy as fuck all", I had to take over. I think seeing how much she was spending each month on Ambien was one of the final straws that led to our going our separate ways. Well... not right away... she made hella good money. Lesson #42 of Dougie's Financial Power System: Sugar Mamas/Daddies are SWEET! Get one!

Internet bill paying was a new thing at the time, but I still did the handwritten checks. By writing out the totals, it really, really made you understand where the money was going. It kinda caused pain to write out the mortgage check. This is how I know that "Thousand" is the first number to have the letter "a" in it... and in the rules of grammar, 1,000 and above is when you should use numbers vs. writing out "nine hundred, ninety nine".

X3 was a financial guru and a bad ass with money. Of course, her kids were never without, and I always felt broke... Funny how that shit happens. I think it was 2014 when I finally paid off ballet lessons. When we decided to split, she laid out all the financial plannings and accounts and bills. I was thankful as hell, because I had been out of practice.

Since being single, I have a super anal retentive grasp of my finances. I have a spreadsheet, called "Finances". I know... Creative, right?  It has a "Progress" tab, where it shows every check since October of 2012, and prognosticating out to February of 2019.

I know I get two checks every month, called Phase 1 and Phase 2. I get paid every other Friday, so there are two months every year when a third check comes into play. I call that one "Mod A". There are also "Taxes", and "Xmas". The municipality I work for does what they call a "Seasonal Cost of Living Adjustment" to coincide with the first full week in December... so... "Xmas" it is...

On the second sheet of this budget spreadsheet is a breakdown of the next couple of checks. I plug in the my check amount, and then I math the shit out of each of the bills I know I will pay in that "phase".


The check marks denote known totals, and the question mark denotes unknown. It keeps my OCD Demons at bay and takes out the surprises out of payday. The Reliant bill was a question mark until Tuesday... Then I got the bill... Plugged in the total and voila! Financial Peace Of Mind.

It only took me twenty years of adulthood to get a grip on finances... And I still consult Mom and Dad on big financial maneuverings because they, COMBINED, are wicked smart financially.

I ask the folks, Mom and Dad, how they do it... figuring that after FIFTY ONE years of marriage, they would be so solid and on the same... "Your mother does it all wrong!", and "He has his way and I have the way that works!", is what I got.

Of course, they do that thing where they round up all expenditures, and round down all inflows of moolah. That makes my skin crawl. If asked, I can tell you, down the PENNY, what my balances are. Mainly because I work it so there are NO CENTS on my accounts. Nice, rounded off dollars, thank you. Again, OCD Demons.

Regardless if you are in the camp of "Get Bill, Pay Bill Immediately" (Dad Method), or the "Wait 'Til It Is Due, or They Sneak In An Extra Bill" Camp (Mom School), you need a budget. Setting financial goals is not a bad idea either.

And while I am "comfortable", I, like a GREAT MANY of us, find myself remarking, "If I only had <insert total here> bucks extra... I could really get ahead!!!" It just seems like there is never enough.

I really have one credit card I use. It is called "Life". Whenever "life happens", it goes on the card. I also put romantic dates on the card, because they happen with such fucking rarity, it will be paid off in the time between them...

"Life" is the damn dog's grooming or vet shit... "Life" is when you need a new crown... "Life" is when ROGER WATERS is coming to town! C'MON! He is the one singing in the aforementioned
Pink Floyd song, "Money"!!! "Life" is when all your supplements and vitamins run out at the same time. That shit ain't cheap. "Life" is a speeding ticket. "Life" is going to a four day rager with your peeps, and it is worth it, because that IS life.

When that card gets a little out of control... I focus on it a bit, get it back down to manageable levels.

So... The point, you ask?

Money is not the root of all evil. It is nothing more than a tool.

Think of money as a hammer. Bills, groceries, expenditures... Those are nails.

If you use the tool correctly, you can build something. Solid and secure.

Use the tool incorrectly, you will be bleeding, and be cursing a lot.

______________________________________

Xmas is coming up... Less than fifty days. Yeah... let that sink in. Money is about to get super tight in households across the land as couples buy their little shit-spawn assloads of new and shiny battery wasters, and forego getting themselves anything. 

Incidentally, most marriages, that cease being marriages, cite "Money/Finances" as the top stress on the relationship. 

It always seems as there is never enough and, in my opinion, that you can "outlive" any budget... And if you are in your 20's... Have fun, dammit!!! Your 30's is when you work all the time to pay off your 20's... Your 40's are when you work so you can enjoy your 50's and 60's... After that... Well, you are just happy to not to be shitting yourself.

14 years, 11 months, 27 days until I retire, and then I start smoking weed again.

I know the Devil's looking up at me,

d

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