Eye of The Beholder

What is beautiful?

The definition of beauty is "a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight". Well, there ya have it... 

Before you get all deep and introspective, I am gonna save you a lot of brain power... Beauty is like the Supreme Court and Pornography... You will know it when you seen it... 

This week I was shown a picture of a dress. Yes, that whole blue/black, white/gold bastard that made national news, which is a travesty in and of itself. I knew the dress could be seen as both, that there was an optical illusion transpiring. The vehemence of peoples opinions/comments reminded me of conversations about a celebrity's physical attractiveness I used to have in the Air Force.

"Oh, man... She is so hot..."

"I would not touch her with your dead dog's dick."

"Tell me how you REALLY feel."

Just this week, my Financial, Spiritual, and All Around General Well Being Adviser and I were discussing my ex-wives. So I said...

"Mom, I don't do ugly... Gotta have that spark..."

"X2 was the prettiest..."

"Really? She was hot... A complete junkie.... But hot..."

So I got to thinking about what defines beauty. And while the above definition explains it, it leaves out the vital piece... It could read "... that pleases the aesthetic senses of every individual differently, especially the sight."

There was a study involving the reactions of children... Toddlers, even... Measuring their responses to photographs of people. What the study showed was the more symmetrical the face... The more "attractive" the owner of said face was perceived to be. Apparently, Denzel Washington has a super symmetrical face...  and he can ACT TOO!

Attractiveness... Now, that is not the same as "beauty"... Let me clarify... Not the same TO ME. I can be attracted to a corporeal shell... and the person be a completely ugly individual on the inside. Think "Shallow Hal", without Tony Robbins sorcery. Now, would I engage in coitus with a person who was super hot, and a completely awful person?

Of course... I am a gentleman, not a monk. I have been heard to equate them to a Ferrari. Fun ride... Fun for a day... But you can't go get groceries with it...

I find the truth beautiful. Not belief... That is fantasy. No, when you know something to be right. Something you can rely on without question. I know that my Mom loves me. That is a truth. I guess I just like being right... Especially at work, when my knowledge/judgment is questioned, and I know I am in the right... THAT is beautiful.

I jump into chatrooms, and some have webcams. I am sharply reminded of the movie, "The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly". There is a lady who I see about four times a year... She is jaw droppingly gorgeous. Eyes that melt your face off and you apologize for your face being all melty. I have talked with her... At first just to make mention that she was a very beautiful lady. Then I did something the gaggle of other males neglected to do... I continued talking to her... She is a cool person... Who lives on the other side of the damn planet... *sigh*

As I am in the "dating" arena now, I am driven by first impressions...  Looks come into play heavily. I want to be attracted to my potential interest... I want to want to pursue. On the sites I am on, there is always a "quickmatch" feature. You swipe their photo to the left to "pass" or swipe to the right to "accept",,. Or it is a "Yes"/"No"/"Maybe". 

Typical session goes a little like this...

"No, No, No, No, No, No, No, Hello! <checks profile> - NO!, No, No, No, No, Hmmm <checks profile> - Maybe, No, No, YES!, No, No, No, No."

Does that make me shallow? To a degree. A degree that I can totally live with. I know what MY definition of beauty is... 

Like a Supreme Court Justice... Probably Thomas... Don't judge me!

d

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Chances Are...

Now I got frikkin' Johnny Mathis in my head...

A couple weeks ago, the one I neglected my blog, I participated in a little pool at work. Fourteen of my co-workers and I pooled five bucks each. A nice lady volunteered to make the journey to buy the thirty five some odd Power Ball tickets.

I normally eschew such a meaningless activity. HOWEVER, it was $450,000,000. That warranted some attention. It most certainly was worth a Lincoln that I would have used to buy tacos, booze, toothpaste, or some shit.

I jokingly referred to those tickets as "The Retirement Plan". The Boss asked me, "So, you would quit?"

"Hells, Yes. Wouldn't you?"

"I would finish this project we are on... Then maybe...", she replied.

"Boss, you have a level of dedication and a work ethic I hope to never attain. But you know... I prolly would help finish the project... BUT... Upon hearing the winning number, and realizing we one, I would be in the car on the way to Colorado in a minute. I would be all Rocky Mountain high by morning. So... Wouldn't quit... But would advise against drug testing me... I would probably melt the sample cup..."

"Thank you for your honesty, Douglas."

"Least I can do, Boss. I did explore options to see if there was even less I could do... Took all afternoon..."

And to all of those who are asking, "Really?", Yes. I would go to Colorado and get stoned out of my gourd. It has been since September of 1993 since I partook. I have been good. Back off.

A lot of people daydream about winning... A lot of people around the lunch room will throw out the "What would you do with your winnings?" question. It is really quite simple for me...

I don't want it.

Here is a quick break down... a what if... There were three winners of the big drawing that weekend. Cash payout was $399 million... Divided by three is $133 million. Divided by fourteen is $9.5 million... For easy math's sake... Let's just go with $10,000,000. This is after taxes.

I could be done with that in about... 3 months.

Wha????

For as long as I can remember, I have been really good at spending money on insane, useless shit.

Here is the breakdown...

First... Five million dollars is going to St. Jude Children's Hospital in Memphis. Here is why... This place lets sick kids (and by sick, I mean kids who have gotten a rotten fucking deal) come and get treatment and charges NOTHING! I won't support the Red Cross, who, after they help you, send you a bill...  So, yeah,,, Marlo, here's yo check! (Can I get a wing named after me????). Regardless of how much I would win... Half would go to charity...

Total Left: $5,000,000

Second, I take care of all my bills. I take care of all Mom and Dad's bills. I prolly take care of about 10 of my closest friends bills. At least one of those is an ex-wife... Just because it would eff with her head, which is just fun. Mortgages, car loans, biggies like that. We will call it a cool 1.5 million.

I would do this because a lot of people have helped me through the years. From some, it was a PB & J when I really wanted a PB & J. Others, it was making sure I did not lose myself, pulling me out of a downward social-death spiral...

Total Left: $3,500,000

Indulgence #1.... Eagle Speedster... Watch and drool...

Total Left: $2,750,000

Thirdly... I would need a passport... There are some trips I plan to make...

New Zealand. I would take some friends... Must see WETA. The Shire. I also want to see a rugby match with the All Blacks... They do that Maori Death Haka at the beginning of their matches. Said to be one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world.

And since I am down there, and Australia is, well... right there... On the way back... Japan... I would be hungry for some sushi bout then... Glowing, radioactive sushi!!!!

Then England... I want to be in the studio audience of the show of the clip above. Would also have to get a pic of me in the doorway to 221B Baker St. also.

Since we would probably be flying first class or privately... and it would be spread out over the year... One would have to spend some money... But hey... It would be booked and ready to go...

I would go to Memphis... To hand Marlo her check, but there is another reason...

Total Left: $2,250,000

Land and a house... This gets tricky... The big question would be... WHERE??? I would look into what Canada does when you buy some land up there... Do you have to keep paying a yearly stipend on it? Property taxes and the like... I dunno... Regardless... Has to be close to an airfield... For the private jet thingy AND to take out Indulgence #1...

Total Left: $750,000

After I left the USAF, I made a promise to myself. "IF I ever have the means, I am buying one of each of the machines I have spent the last 3 years busting my knuckles on, and blowing them up."

I would do this... Oh, yes... I would...

Total Left: $694,768.29 (Oh... I priced that equipment... Then doubled it for finding a "demolitions dude" to decimate them to an atomic level...)

Lastly, find a decent bank, the kind that corporations use to dodge taxes... Ones that cartels use in order to launder and store cash... Decent interest rate... Oooh... Swiss bank account... all James Bond and shit... Live off interest...

Done...

Okay... may take longer than three months, but you get the gist. I have ZERO issue spending large sums of money.

The Dark Side.

One of the better documentaries I have ever seen was from HBO, called "Lucky".

It was insanely eye-opening. It really, with razor sharp clarity, reinforced the whole "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it" notion.

There were stories of people who blew through it, lost it, pissed it away, ending up broke a year later. One guy spends about 8-10 hours a day managing the money... Paying the accountants and lawyers to keep tract of the lawyers who are keeping track of the accountants.

Granted, he has a really nice house, small ocean going vessel, and a garage full of toys...

_________________________________________

I don't know if there is a "moral to the story"... If money is power, and power corrupts, well... I need no help being corrupted. Doing just fine on my own. I have noticed that the majority of people I talk to, never say they want to be "Rich"... No, most of them desire "Security" above all... Not worried about next months bills, that sort of thing...

I am always a fan of Forrest Gump's take on it... "So, I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."

Wanna be rich? Best of luck... Wanna be secure?

Well, chances are your chances are awfully good.

Thanks, Johnny,

d

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State of Affairs

I stumbled upon an article this week. It was shared in a forum. The debate that ensued was nothing short of epic. I got to thinking about the core issue... Fidelity. Cheating. Affairs.

Who defines it? How mercurial are the boundaries?

As with most every aspect, of every relationship, the key is communication. The two parties need, nay, HAVE to be on the same page of what constitutes infidelity.

I know a great many people. I know a great many variation on the "Traditional" relationship. I know swingers. I know some in the polyamorous lifestyle. I have been exposed to the epitome, the shining example of happily, married monogamy since February-ish of 1972. Being born in November of 1972, I will leave the math up to you.

So... What is cheating? THAT is, again, open to interpretation... Rather, let's break it out another way...

WHY?

The main reason cheating men will cite for "gettin' some strange"... BIOLOGY! There will be pollination analogies galore. There will be "science" pulled from seemingly out of nowhere.

There is a little truth to that, though. The one argument you can not deny, we are animals. Opposable thumbs, voice box, and access to disposable razors... Thin separation, yo. Out of the billion myriad species roaming the skies, seas, and lands, about six are truly monogamous (and we think 3 of those lied because their mate was in the same room). This is probably due to their life span being measured in minutes... They had to buy her a drink first and listen to all that shit about her cat...

Some women have given in. Thrown in the towel. Accepted the fact that all men cheat*. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." That is usually heard from someone who has been recently cheated on. It may not be true, but it helps to quantify and label things...

X1, before she was "1", found my stash of nudie mags (Analog porn for the youth). Was 19 or 20 years old, still trying to break a record or something and she was still living 45 minutes away... So... "me time" was being exercised. She was in tears and accused me of "cheating".

Porn, and my enjoyment of the erotica, was cheating... I disagreed and stated it was merely a case of "Releasing tension" and a healthy activity in order to keep me from straying in the physical world. All fantasy and what not.

Total bullshit... I like naked women. Been a fan for long, long time. But I did not see it as cheating. She did.

Flash forward two years... Married... A nice winter's day... Snowing, slushy dangerous roads... "Go get a movie"... So, I made the perilous journey into Wichita to get porn for the woman who was it's biggest opponent before. Good times. The main lesson learned here is... Thank the powers that be for the internet.

X3 did all but call "strip clubs" cheating. I think it was body issues on her part, but regardless, she was against it. I explained that the reason a lot of men go is because the women there are essentially therapists. They ask, and ACT interested, in your menial day... For a fee. A beautiful, scantily clad, if clad at all, woman is going to sit on your lap, and be enthralled by every single word you say? Yeah... none too bad for the psyche.

Problems arise when the guy forgets it is a business.

Anyways... Women will cheat for different reasons. They don't really "Cheat" if you listen to the popular music... They "stray". They "wander". I have oft heard that a woman was "driven" to cheat. They were so unfulfilled at home, regulated to titles like "wife", "mother", "meal maker", "chauffeur", "house cleaner", "shopper", and waaaaaay down the list, "lover".

As with a lot of the differences between men and women, it is the emotional aspect that is the overriding factor.

Now, I am not speaking as the authority of all things women. I just know from talking to married women who have cheated. Not with me, mind you, as I will not do that to another man.

My own personal experience was with X1. She cheated on me. I was in Turkey at the time. As a matter of fact, it was when I was flying back from overseas that she did the deed. Many years later, we jokingly did the math. That phrase "We will laugh about this later!" is a truism... Some shit takes about 15 years, though...

She decided to cheat on me for one reason... Call it the "Trump Card". When I left, a guy, who I asked to "keep an eye on her" while I was gone, started taking her out... to clubs... drinks and dancing and all that. Stuff I had truly been neglectful of, in retrospect.

We were young. We should have been out living it up. Instead, I was in the USAF, she worked two, or sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. All our friends were pretty envious of what little we had. A Friday night with a 15-pack of Strohs, tunes, and cards... Nice... BUT... We should have been going out... I realized that when I was on the other side of the globe. Expressed my intent to remedy that when I rotated back to the world.

At Christmas, she asked me for a divorce. In February, she slept with that guy.

The "Trump Card" was for when I came back and was gonna talk her out of divorcing me. She had made up her mind and if she felt herself reversing or doubting the course of action... BOOM... She would throw it down. The proverbial ace up the sleeve... Sadly for her though,  it was the proverbial bun in the oven.

Dude got her pregnant first pop. All that going out and having fun stopped pretty fucking quick. Universe has jokes!

WHY NOT?

There are reasons/justifications TO cheat. Unappreciated at home... Hot chick/dude flirted and offered... Biological wiring...

So why be monogamous?

Again, from my personal experience, because IT FUCKING HURTS OTHERS. End of fucking list.

If you have not expressed or communicated that exclusivity has been established, then by all means, shaboing til it hurts... If you have committed to someone, be faithful. Pretty damn simple.

The lying. The sneaking around. The money. Is it worth it? Ask Kobe Bryant who shelled out something like $18,000,000 dollars for his indiscretion... Just writing 18,000,000 made me wince...

Would it be easier to tell your PARTNER IN LIFE, "Hey... I am feeling unfulfilled"... Granted, not a fun conversation, but better than "Care to explain the lipstick on your dick?" or "Nice hand shaped love-bruise on your ass."

________________________________________________

It seriously hurts. Even before I joined the ranks of the cuckolded, I never cheated. I do not plan on ever cheating.

The closest I came was in 8th Grade. I kissed a girl when I was not really over the girl I broken up with eight hours earlier... Not fair to the kissed girl.

After getting divorced in the USAF, I have a couple of "friends". About four of them... There was much nakedness and touching. No feelings got hurt because each and every one of them understood the parameters of the "Relationship" we were entwined in. There is that "communication" thingy again...

One of my favorite aspects of the sexual arena is this... Exclusivity. I am a comic book geek... I like "limited editions"... Rare chromium covers in small pressings... Do you know what a criteria for a "hyper-exotic-car" is? Rarity. "Only 5 of these in the world!"

When I am kissing a woman, I do not plan on engaging in that activity with any other woman. These lips, her lips... All ours and no one else's. If that were to change, I would let her know. Now, exchange "kissing" with whatever manner of perversion you want... same rules apply. We are "Exclusive". Those jumbly bits... MINE... Well, not mine per se, but I have "Right of First Refusal"...

Some people can spread that around. Some can somehow divide themselves to be with many partners... I can't. I am no better than they are... UNTIL they hurt someone. THEN I am better than they are.

It boils down to - Whatever works for you. A wise man, who contributed 50% of my genetic makeup, told me a long time ago, "If you can't look at yourself in the mirror, you need to stop and think about things." If you can cheat on a person who you supposedly love, kudos to you... Remind me to never trust you with anything remotely near and dear to my heart.

The Black Hole Son,

d

* - Not all men cheat. They just don't get caught. KIDDING!!!

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