Pledge of Allegiance

A friend, long ago, asked if the Pledge of Allegiance was "patriotism or indoctrination".

Allegiance IS indoctrination. Pledging allegiance is uber-indoctrination. You swallowed whatever they were selling hook, link, and sinker.

In basic training, the way they got us to remember stuff was to a) Scream at us, b) punish us for forgetting stuff (while screaming at us), and c) REPETITION.

Having the kiddies repeat this stuff over and over is nothing more than Brainwashing 101. Get 'em while they are young! Like Catholic Priests! Like Big Tobacco! I am unaware if they still make kids recite the pledge. I remember doing it, but don't remember when I stopped having to... Weird.

Frankie Bellamy wrote the thing in 1892. He was a socialist, by the way... Somewhere, someone should tell Sarah Palin this... Hopefully she will suffer excruciatingly painful spontaneous combustion, and then a F5 tornado scatters her ashes so she can not reincorporate into flesh. The original:

"I pledge allegiance to my flag and the Republic for which it stands. One nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

In 1923, it was altered.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Fucking immigrants! Seriously... they wanted everyone to make sure they knew which flag. One year later...

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Because there was worry of what? Not knowing which United States you were pledging to??? I am sharply reminded that people have always been dumb... That it is not a new phenomenon.

Around 1941, there was a thing called the "Bellamy Salute"...

Yeah... Pretty sure as soon as some newsreels were shown from Europe, namely Germany, that salute went away pretty damn quick...

But wait.. it gets worse... June 14, 1954...

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation, under God. Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Now, being the militant Atheist* that I am... I am against the addition of the words "under God". It is just people of one faith exerting their will over those of us who do NOT agree with their particular flavor of Kool-Aid. I understand it was to let them thar Ruskie Heathens know we got an all powerful, Imaginary Friend on our side!

However, I do not like Christianity. I sold my soul to Jesus when I was 8 or some shit, but that was because at the end of the week long, summer bible camp, the chick gave out Lego's. When I was 8... I would have done just about anything for Lego's, yes... including selling my soul to Jesus. I will do another blog sometime about the Carpenter Cult and it's utter hypocrisy. And possibly one on my love of Lego's...

Patriotism never enters the equation. It is very similar to kids going to church. There is no such thing as a "christian child". There is a "child of christian parents". The kids do not really grasp the words they are saying. They are the literal sheep, following the herd and teacher/Shepard.

My Moms LOVES the clip of Red Skelton reciting the Pledge...

And I, being a fan of words and shit, like it too... UP TO ABOUT THE 4 MINUTE MARK!

Patriotism is actually DOING something for your country and fellow citizens. Putting your country and countrymen before your own needs and wants. All these "patriots" in D.C, and people who claim to "love their country"... But when asked what branch did they serve, you get stammers, blank stares, and averted gazes.

One of the great things about the people who actually serve this country, is that they allow the people who do nothing but take from this country to say and make whatever claims of patriotism they want.

I would have no problem with the Pledge resorting back to the pre-'54 versions. It would serve this country better. It would actually help reinforce the SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!

Living is easy with eyes closed,

d

* Militant Atheist - Um, we get together, maybe have a beer, discuss Star Trek and shit... NOTHING gets blown up and no one gets beheaded... Religions should try it.

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Current Despairs

Cliven Bundy and the BLM Standoff

So, a "patriot" is someone who uses violence, and or threats of violence, to get out of paying a bill? I owe a credit card company a nice, hefty sum... Do you suggest pipe bombs, like the ones you have used in the past against the BLM, Mr. Bundy?

The guy has been told since the 80's to stop letting his cattle graze on FEDERAL land... They started fining him. His defense, "I don't think that's right." Tough shit, assclown. I don't think bankers and Wall St. types who almost bankrupted the world getting off Scott free is right, but I don't make the rules.

If the Gov. was coming onto his PRIVATE property and telling him his cows can't graze there, that would be an issue of infringement. This is not the case.

And a special "Fuck you, you Fucking Fuck" to (thankfully) former Sheriff Richard Mack, who, during the standoff, said he and his fellow "patriots":

"were actually strategizing to put all the women up at the front. If they are going to start shooting, it’s going to be women that are going to be televised all across the world getting shot by these rogue federal officers.”

Real patriots would not wipe their ass with these free loaders who masturbate, sitting in jello, fantasizing about a showdown with the big bad Government.

NRA and all the Politicians who can't get a soundbite out because the NRA's dick is in their mouths.

After the tragedy at Sandy Hook, the CDC was "commissioned" to do a study about gun violence in America. I say tragedy, the NRA saw it as a way to advocate getting more guns around schools... Solid plan if your name is Douchey McDoucheALot. Also, they blamed virtual guns in video games, which as far as I know have caused ZERO non-virtual deaths.

Congress, namely Republicans and dickless Democrats, have stripped the 2.6 million dollars that would be budgeted for completing this research. 2.6 mil in terms of Federal spending is like $2.60 to you and me... It does not hurt, except when all you want is some spicy nuggets from Wendy's...

Republicans strategy... If we can't stop legislation that may harm our gravy train with biscuit wheels, we will defund it. Affordable Health Care ring a bell?

What is the NRA afraid of? That gun violence will pop up on the top 10 killer of Americans? That statistics will come to light about the chances of being killed by a gun?  That myths that 1) Gun violence is decreasing 2) Criminals can't guns and 3) Nothing can be done*, would be shown to be just that, MYTHS?

I would be more than slightly amused if it were to be discovered that gun violence is like the #4 leading killer of Americans. Maybe then there would be an actual DEBATE on the subject. One I would not allow the NRA to attend.

That would never happen as the NRA lobby has their hands so firmly up the asses of politicians, that the lump in the politician's throat is the NRA's wrist watch. One is reminded of a puppet...

Flight 370

Why is everyone obsessed with this??? Because there is very little in the way of real mystery anymore. I think back to a little over a year ago and the rapid identification and apprehension of the Boston Marathon Bombers... 10 years ago, they might have been able to get away with it. 20 years, we would still be hunting.

This Flight is just... gone... The speculation has ranged from the plausible to the absolutely absurd.

It is more of a general "WTF???" then a concern about the actual perishing of the people, which is kind of sad in it's own way. I guess it has the "If it could happen to that flight, could it happen to mine?" connotation...

Utah.

I have to go to The Land of Mormon for a conference. While I love leaving Texas... Utah would not make the top 500 of places to go... Outer Space is preferable... And I have seen "Gravity".

I should not bitch, but I know friends who go to conferences in Miami... San Diego...  Going to get some good training out of the deal, so... silver lining and what not. I have already Googled "liquor stores", "strip clubs" and "pubs" in the area... Good to go.

Earth Day.

The planet is dying, but I think she is going to make it real, real interesting in her last days. So, celebrate Earth day, and go back to destroying it for the other 364 days.

Yellowstone Caldera? Frakking quakes? Tsunami's? Fukashima Radioactive waste? Disappearing ice caps? What will it be that finally destroys us?

Instead of debating on whether or not climate change is man made or not, how about we do something about it. This is like waking up, going to your kitchen and finding a lump of shit in the middle of the floor and asking everyone, "Is it man made or not?"

Which is a step up from the worthless GOP, who would stand on said loaf and deny it fucking exists while also asking "What's that smell?".

Her.

The first thought in the morning, and the last when I go to sleep. I miss my friend.

Dog will hunt,

d

* from an interview with Garen Wintemute, director of the Violence Prevention Research Program at the University of California, Davis Medical Center.

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Cry.

cry [krahy]

verb (used without object)

1. to utter inarticulate sounds, especially of lamentation and grief, or suffering, usually with tears.

2. to weep; shed tears; with or without sound.

3. to call loudly; shout; yell (sometimes followed by out).

I had shed tears over pain, over loss, and over joy. I will say that the majority of the times are those three things in reverse order. The strangest things can trigger it.

Joy... I mean, hearing the theme song for "Superman" can set me off... It makes me think of Chris Reeve FLYING!!! It was more than that though... It was that things were going to be all right, because Supes was on the job and  there was NO job too big for the guy. I have no problem distinguishing fantasy from reality, but it would be a better world with Superman in it.

The pure joy in the tittering laugh issued by Dash in "The Incredibles" when he discovers he can run on water... 

The Beatles, "In My Life"... C'mon?

I am passionate about passion. I can watch a dance recital, and not be moved. People moving in a rhythmic fashion. Woo. A shaved monkey could be taught to do the same. I have seen a ballerina glide across the stage with a fluidity that made my eyes water with it's grace. 

It is a voice, singing so beautifully, you wonder that if angels were real, that would be what they would sound like.

Fine... It was when Glen and Maggie found each other at the end of Season 4...

Loss... I remember the unholy wail that bellowed forth when X1 told me that she did, in fact, want a divorce. I was in a four foot square plywood phone booth, in the "Moral Tent" on Incirlik AFB, Turkey. I was alone, half way around the world, and my life as I knew it, was ending. The brass ring of "getting home, getting that hug and kiss"... gone... Merry Christmas! Thankfully, a Marine tent mate beat the shit out of me and got me thinking again. I was happy with going fetal... He disagreed. Thanks, Sgt. Bowman.

I have had relationships end where no tears were produced. They were moving on to bigger, better things... To lament that loss would have been selfish. In all my relationships of note, I made it clear, I want them to be happy. If it is not with me, let me know and we'll talk. It was not until much later in life that I realized that my own happiness means a great deal to me as well.

There are a myriad scenes in movies that just kill me. The scene in "The Crow" where Shelly looks down at Draven, gives him that secret smirk - The one that is THEIRS... and let's him know, "It is time to come home." The scene in "The Abyss", Ed Harris' silent scream of "Fiiiiiiiiiiight" to his wife, who he watched die. And the classic, "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen." Lloyd Dobler rules.

Pain...  Weirdly, I can handle the physical realm of pain decently. My defenses against an emotional onslaught, well... they kinda suck. I am quick to, and fully vested in, whatever emotion I am experiencing. If I am happy, I am very happy. Sad, then I am oh so very sad. The saving grace from me being clinically bi-polar, is that I am also quick out of said emotion. It is not giants waves, with prolonged peaks and valleys. More just spikes here and there.

Also, I am not a fan of shying away from these spikes. I am a firm believer that by being a pessimistic bastard, everything good that happens is a pleasant surprise (Thanks, Dad!). I also understand that when things are going well, and I am happy, I must be prepared for the other shoe to drop. I keep my eye out for the assclown that likes to come in and shit all over everything, including your Cheerios. (Some of you call him "God")

If I know I am in a stagnant funk, and I know I need to snap out of it, I am not above putting in some of the scenes listed above, getting it out of my system. Exorcising some demons.

Moms, who knows pain on a level that I would not wish on George W. Bush, Jr., gave me some advice back when I was in my Turkish Hell. Moms said , "Doug, breath. Just Breath. When you get that right, you need to get some sleep. When you have that down, drink some water. After you have those things down, get some food in you."

I replaced water with beer, but it was really good advice.

The Big Question... When you are crying, WHERE DOES ALL THE SNOT COME FROM? I mean sweet, sweet monkey balls!!! You are fine, breathing clearly, Tears hit, BOOM! A deluge of mucus barrels on out of your snot locker. Is there a reservoir? I could Google it, but it is really not that important... Just kind of funny and a weird ass phenomenon.

There is almost a cathartic after effect of a good cry. You are wiped. You are drained. You are exhausted. This is where pick your self back up, dust your soul off, and go back to the ever so important task of living.

Blow your nose first, and watch out for that assclown,

d

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In Good Company...

Someone posed the query after this weeks events concerning the OKCupid/Mozilla Firefox showdown...

"Does a person's or company's political views sway your actions?"

Short answer: HELLS YES THEY DO.

Longer answer, which is why you are here... HELLS YES THEY DO, AND TO DENY IT IS FOLLY.

Seriously, I avoid Chik Fil A if at all possible because the head honcho is against equality. It is his right to voice and beliefs, and it is my right to say "I will take my business elsewhere." Sucks, because I do miss all that sodium in my life. I just could not sponsor hate.

That and they kept saying "God bless you" when they would give me my food or tell me to "pull forward"... Who in the hell do they think they are? It got to the point where I would blast Slayer as I pulled up... "PRAISE HELL, SATAN!" makes 'em not smile so much... It is the small victories.

But they had the ultimate trump card... When, oh when, do you crave the living shit out of Chik Fil A? When does it really feel like it will hit the spot that nothing else can satisfy? That's right... Sunday. When they are closed.

It is a matter of what you can justify and stomach vs. what you can't. 

I am a big fan of Jimmy John's sandwiches. I can get in and out and back to my desk before the computer goes to sleep, if I hit the traffic lights just right. They are quick, easy, and not terribly expensive. So I hear that their head honcho likes to hunt endangered animals. Well, shit...

I decided to look into it... I found an article talking about how hunting endangered animals can actually stimulate population growth. "I will take a #12 on wheat, hold the tomatoes and cucumbers." All is well.

I understand that sometimes circumstances won't allow the justifications... You will rarely see an older Jewish person driving a Volkswagon. The whole "doors on the ovens at Auschwitz were designed by VW" is a damn tough pill to swallow. BMW's are usually verboten in that community as well... That being said, my folk's Passat was one of the best cars I have ever driven. Was a superb machine that was made to eat miles.

There was an episode of "Mad Men" where a WWII vet and head of the ad agency takes umbrage with the Honda people being considered as clients. I can understand the sentiment. He actually knew people killed by.... AH wait... There is the caveat.... His friends were not killed by delegation of Honda people... But still, prejudices are usually very comfortable to those who wear them like an insecurity blanket.

It is no secret that one of my most loathed individuals on this planet is the Retarded Cowboy, Ex-President, War Criminal, Bush Jr. Behind every empire, there is a crime. Go back one or two generations, and you find that Bush Jr.s grandpappy Prescott (automatically a douche richie rich name) was uber helpful in Hitler's rise to power. He made his money by helping the Nazis. Solid citizen and SENATOR.

If you can't justify the cause, person, service, company, what have you... Then Ctrl-Alt-Del the sons of bitches... If you can... Some people will consider themselves to have a moral superiority on that one particular facet, but rest assured, they have something in their life just as sordid... That they can justify in their mind.

"Does it make a difference?"

Sure, to YOU. As politicians are bought and sold, and a certain party is trying to enact voter strangulation, it is easier to "Vote With Your Dollar". If you say "To Hell with such and such", good for you. You can't demand others to follow in your footsteps... But you can inform them as to why you made your decision. Caution: if you get all holy crusader with a ton of shit, people will generally stop talking to you. Spread it out over time... And wait til it comes up in conversation, then get on it like a Rottweiler with a baby in it's mouth! Never let it go!!!

If you despise Wal-Mart and their corporate structure of completely anally raping their employees, DON'T SHOP THERE! If you don't like Target's French Connection, DON'T SHOP THERE! If you need food and are against Monsanto, GROW A GARDEN, PRAY FOR RAIN. If you are against drugs, THROW OUT ALL GOOD MUSIC FROM THE PAST 400 YEARS...

If you feel strongly enough about it, get vocal. Utilize social networking sites... Be a snarky bastard and write blogs about it (*wink!*). HOWEVER, just because that one alarmist friend of yours posts something about carrots turning white will bring about the Zombie Apocalypse... Snopes.com the shit before you scare your Mom half to death, who just friended you because she wanted to see pics of your kids. Seriously, research research research. Find arguments both for and against. Think for yourself. Google is free, yo.

You have a voice, USE IT! It is one of the kick ass things about this joint. You can say what you want. People can reply. Double edged sword. Thankfully, I know how to sword fight.

So what will it take to enact real change?

Company vs. Company Gang Wars!!!!

This week it was OKCupid.com Vs. Mozilla... Recap here.

OKCupid was not cool with Mozilla guy's anti equality stance and put a disclaimer on their main page if you browsed to it using Firefox, and offered the links to get all of the other major browsers. They did leave a "proceed anyways" link... So they were not total dicks about it, just gave their opinion. They handled it cool. The Mozilla dude in question resigned.

I am not a fan of taking out my frustrations of a CEO's actions on the minimum wage person I actually come into contact with. That is not cool. Back during the hay day of the Chik Fil A hoopla, they were a couple of people who posted themselves going through drive thru's and giving some pimply faced teen grief... That kid is innocent and does not deserve that sort of "retribution".

I have swallowed pride for paychecks before... One company flew three flags over the headquarters... The Stars and Stripes, The Texas State Flag, and the Christian Flag... I was the seventh employee and four of the "senior" staff all attended the same church. To the president's credit, he never said I have to believe in what he did. It would make my sphincter itch when he would want to start meetings with a "prayer". Um... sorry, but I just don't think telepathically communicating with a Jewish Zombie Carpenter is gonna make a bit o' difference in my not wanting to be in this damn meeting. Ooooh, ya brought donuts! AMEN!

Kicking out the jams,

d

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Life, Liberty and the Pursuit...

"We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."

Some dead guys wrote that a long time ago. They had the right idea, but were also making shitloads of money off of slave labor... So, kind of a hypocritical statement. The truer statement would have been...

"We, in not knowing a damn thing, think that old, white men rule! We also think a Creator, but not a particular religious based one, because that would be uncool, gave us some rights that are pretty rock solid, them being Life. Liberty, And a sappy Will Smith movie! Thankfully, we are aware of our limited grasp... so Ladies, African-Americans, and LGBTs... Amend this bitch! (After we are worm food)"

This blog is about the Affordable Healthcare Act. I think it could fall under the whole "Life" part of the aforementioned inalienable rights. (SIDE NOTE: I have never, ever heard that adjective used anywhere else! Ever!)

This SUPREME COURT UPHELD LAW has caused more ass itch then almost anything of recent memory. Hell, the Republican Corpo-Electorate has voted to repeal the thing FIFTY, FIVE ZERO, times... There is a point where you cease to be standing your ground, and start being an annoying piece of shit. They passed that point 49 votes to repeal ago.

The law has caused a veritable abyss in the political discourse and general work place discussion. In my workplace, someone, anonymously laid a printout of "The Tea Party Guide To Defunding Obamacare" in the break room. Wouldn't ya know it... I grabbed my,  Someone grabbed a Sharpie and wrote "THIS IS NOT NEEDED, THE BATHROOM IS FULLY STOCKED WITH TOILET PAPER!" Anonymity is a double edged sword. And I own swords. Plural.

To find some resolution, one must find common ground from where to start the discourse. And here it is...

"Once it became a "Health Care Industry", we ALL were hosed."

Insurance companies are a legalized form of gambling. They get money coming and going. And they were sucking you dry every year with larger fees, lesser coverage, and higher deductibles. They would tell you this is because of the rising cost of the uninsured.. People skipping out on paying the emergency room bills. So, we, the people doing the right thing, have to shoulder the burden.

Some truth to that... Sure. So, I dunno... Try to make there be less uninsured?

Insurance companies, in order to keep their shareholders happy, would kick off people when it was discovered that they had some serious illness - because it was non-cost effective. Kind of the ultimate dick move. No one could argue that should be a big no no.

So, I dunno... Make it so they can't kick you off if you get sick?

Insurance companies could pick and choose who they would steal from accept as clients based on preexisting conditions. So, your old Insurance Co. kicked you out for being sick and no one will insure you because you are sick? Congrats, you are going to die in agonizing pain and completely draining the financial resources of your family for generations to come... THANKS FOR PLAYING!

So, I dunno... Eliminate the pre-existing condition clauses?

Guess what the first phase of the Affordable Health Care Act did???

The Money Fellating Right Wing's major argument - well, sound bite, because most of their supporters can't comprehend a fully formed thought of more than two sentences, was "Your insurance rates are going to raise 5000%!!!!" Or was it Sarah Palin's "Death Panel" bullshit? I forget.

Understand this, President Obama did not raise a damn thing. The Affordable Health Care Act did not raise a damn thing. That would be the insurance companies choice to do so. No one else's. They were going to raise your deductible anyways. Seriously. Every year they did so. Suddenly it is the President's fault. Tell that story walking.

The roll out of the website was a fiasco - granted. As a programmer, I can fully understand the complexity of a site like that... But to have 55 different companies involved in the coding??? THAT is unforgivable and would cause the cluster we all were privy to. So the interface was jacked. People getting covered was not. And as of yesterday, that number is around 7.1 million.

The second phase was a bit more tricky. It was an implementation of a standard of coverage. Some of the insurance companies sell a "street 'surance", mostly to low income families. It looks good on paper, but it covers next to nothing. So, having it creates a nice, false sense of security - until something goes wrong. The Affordable Health Care Act said no more duping the already struggling. Here is the standard.

So far, the biggest fun is to see the "Americans For Prosperity" (aka The Koch Brothers Propaganda Machine) wheel out their "Obamacare Horror Stories". The fun comes from someone fact checks them and in five minutes, debunks them. In some cases, showing the "victim" how the AHA is actually going to help them. Good times. Suck my Koch.

The amount of disinformation, and money spent on said manure, being pumped out by the opponents of the AHA is astounding. If they, I dunno, put that money towards medical research, maybe we could cure some shit... HAHAHAHAHA... Who am I kidding, that would help people... And they could give a rat's bleeding rectum about people.

You want an all too typical depiction of insurance companies? Watch "The Rainmaker". If you don't feel a tad sense of revulsion by the end, you must be a soulless creature, or worse, a Republican

With as much as we spend on healthcare in this nation, to be ranked 37th in the world in "Quality" is a travesty. That is the horror story that needs to be told. The treatment of our Veteran's medical care is a disgrace. The War Pigs have no problem sending them to war, supporting them (for photo ops), but seem to have a damn problem funding/fixing the VA and voting for job bills for Veterans.

Am I happy with the AHA? No, I wanted the single payer mandate. It would free employers from having to provide... But they would have to provide more pay. Hell, I want socialized medicine. I would pay another 6 to 8 cents per dollar to not have to worry about medical bills. Ever. "Oh but I heard Canadians have to wait 42 years for a broken leg to get fixed". I am sure you did. What time of the day were you watching Fox "News"?

The Doctor is in, bend over,

d

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Vinyl

I have a nice little vinyl collection. LPs, records, stax o' wax, what have ya.

Why? There is no need for an analog format. Everything is 1's and 0's, pardner! Digital... Not just for porn anymore!

My reasons are as follows...

1) It sounds better. I don't know if this is actually true or not but it just is. I blew out my higher hearing functions tailgating C-130's as they taxied on auxiliary runways. (Yes, we would see how close we could get. The Brazilians practically dared us to drive up the ramp once... That would have been difficult to explain to the Colonel.)

It seems like the vinyl soaked in the soul, the essence, of the music in those grooves... It was more personal. Not like the cold, flat CD's and the non-tactile mp3 format.

2) The Physicality. You have to interact. You have to hold it just right. There is a little sexual innuendo in finding the hole in the middle. You have to drop the needle. You have to get up off your ass and flip the record.

When you get a used one, you have to inspect for warping and scratches. You have to bring it home and make a solution of rubbing alcohol and water and break out the cleaning brush... And then pour a drink and listen.

3) Halfsies. Albums were divided in to sides. You could love a side of an album and loathe the other side. PRIME EXAMPLE... Rush's "Moving Pictures", Side 1. "Tom Sawyer", "Red Barchetta", "YYZ", and "Limelight"... Probably the most complete and awesome first side of an album in all of musicdom. The second side? I would rather make Ex-Lax and Broken Glass Cookies (I got the recipe!), eat said cookies while having Mitt Romney shove pineapples up my rectum. Okay, that may be a tad extreme... I just don't like side two, okay? And you are welcome for the visual.

Van Halen's "1984", Side B... "Hot For Teacher", "I'll Wait", "Girl Gone Bad", and "House of Pain"... Sonically erect!!! I love a great deal of the Van Halen catalog, but if I could only listen to one side of a Van Halen album, forsaking all others.... I would choose this one.

4) Hisses and Pops. You will never hear these on an mp3 or CD... Sometimes it would get so bad and you would see a tuft of cat hair or dust on the needle. This reminds me off something these millennial bastards will never probably hear... a dial tone. Think about that. Mind = blown.

5) Liner notes. These were writings and scribblings on the sleeves that held the records. You got these with some CD's, but some of the print caused more lens corrections and prescriptions for glasses to be issued. PRIME EXAMPLE - Metalllica's "Master of Puppets" (aka "Greatest Album of All Time") -

"Also xtra fucken yahooz to... Carlsberg Bevees, Sushi, Absolut Vodka, Alka Seltzer, The Young Ones, Remoulade, Skykow, Boom Shankar, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and most of all... Edna!!!"

Who the fuck is Edna???!!!??? We did not have Google back in '86... It was a giant mystery. You just knew Edna had to be a bad ass to get the mention and italicized!

666) Backwards messages. With a record you could manually spin it backwards. This allowed two things...a) Preachers to find shit that was not there and b) the birth of scratching. Both have their merits. Preachers finding Satanic messages led to the birth of the PMRC (That and Tipper Gore's daughter allegedly masturbating to Prince's "Darling Nikki"*). The scratching phenom manifested along with the rise of hip hop and rap. My brother and I completely ruined a Bryan Adam's "Cuts Like A Knife" LP trying to master the art... Don't judge me.

The PMRC forced the labeling of records that were decreed vulgar, obscene and dangerous. In other words, it let me know which ones I wanted/had to buy.

7) The Hunt. As a comic book guy, I could go to a row of long-boxes, and be quite content going through each box, book by book, for hours on end... Finding that rhythm of flipping through, looking for that hidden treasure. That one diamond in the rough that would complete my collection. I can do the same at a record store. I am welcomed by the cardboard smell as I let my fingers to the walking...

There are a few LPs I would love to get my hands on... And the fact is, I could go out to Amazon and procure each and every one of them... But to deny myself the hunt??? Get out of here with that noise. Finding Lenoard Nimoy's "Mr. Spock's Music From Outer Space" was especially awesome... Dunno why...

With the recent rash of reissues and remasters, I am picking up one record a month or so. Filling out some small gaps in certain artists. I am a supporter of getting kids to learn to respect the physical representation of the music. Handle it with a sense of caution and awe.  They don't just press play or double click it...

There was a ritual I had back in the day (Usually a Sunday - Not a Wednesday). When I would finish cleaning my apartment in Waxahachie, TX, I would draw a bath. I would pour two fingers of Lagavulin. I would light a candle. I would break out my Pink Floyd's "The Wall" LP. I would pick a side. I would drop the needle. I would decompress and gird my loins for the upcoming week.

I was raised on vinyl. I was surrounded by it. My Mom's collection was something to be envied. There was a contest on the oldies station in Dallas back in the 80's... "If you can request something we don't have in our music vault, you win!". I forget the prize, but they told Mom to stop calling...

I turned 10.

I turned 12.

I was 16. CD's and Cassettes had KO'd the beloved vinyl. I would still dub Mom's collection onto tape...

Yeah, love me some vinyl.

Pardon me while I burst into flames,

d

This blog brought to you by Incubus' "Make Yourself", Black Sabbath's "13", and The Pixies "Wave of Mutliation". All procured this weekend on Vinyl.

*Note to Self - Rumor has it the Foo Fighters cover "Darling Nikki" at some of their shows. Must youtube!

Lighter Faire

I know I promised lighter topic/postings following the Class Warfare diatribe... And I apologize about the last one. I just had to get some of that off my chest.

Now then... The thing coming up I am truly happy for is Scarborough Renaissance Festival (AKA and hereto-forthwith referred to as "Scarby").

The two links will give you all the pertinent details on the proceedings and what not. In this post I will relay some of my feelings and history.

The first time I went, was maybe 2004 or 2005. After getting divorced from X2* I moved down to Waxahachie to be closer to work. I was spending my Saturday doing something I excel at. I was making chocolate chip cookies.

My family has a long tradition of making the cookies. The recipe has been handed down throughout the centuries. My ancestor, off a distant branch of the family tree in some far away land, was housed near a bridge. She was asked by the local council to collect a surcharge for people wanting to transport goods across said bridge.

One day, the municipality asked her to collect double the required fee. She knew that would be met with a modicum of resistance and more then a bit of ire. She, in her infinite wisdom  decided to inform the weary tradesmen of the inflation and give them a cookie to soften the bad news. Soon word spread across the countryside of Abigal Nestle's cookies... At the Nestle Toll House. The recipe can be found on the back of their chips, yo.

Sorry.

Anywhoozle, I was making cookies, and my friend Elroy called and queried, "What are you doing?"

"Making cookies."

"Bringing 'em into work?"

"Yeah."

"Cool... But you are becoming a shut in. You need to get out. Come with me and Lilith to Scarby."

"WTF is Scarby? Is this a Simon & Garfunkel cover band or some shit?"

So I went. I felt out of place for about 2 seconds. There is something that happens when you pass under the arches... You can have as much fun as you want to put into it.

Climate

The atmosphere is fantastically soothing. You head a harp and a mandolin in the distance, just playing... maybe a song, maybe just filling the air with pleasing background noise. People in fantastic costumes, ranging in all manner of price, detail, and just plain love put into them. The myriad smells as you walk around are an olfactory locator to me having been so many times. The roasted nuts, the soap hawkers, the camel & elephant rides, and the smell of spring in Texas.

You can walk the main circuit and you will see friends from previous seasons. You can pick a table, and may be joined by some others, and the conversations start. Hours go by. Everyone is friendly and helpful, everyone is there to have a good time. Basically, an armed society is a POLITE society... If two dudes bump into each other, "HEY, WATCH WHERE YER GOIN!" - "WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"...

Put visible weaponry on the same two gents, "Apologies, good sir" - "No no, a thousand pardons from you, Sir"

It is the best place in the world to do horrible British accents, and I fall into Jack Sparrow speak almost instantly... The mead helps... More on that nectar later...

Shops

There is art. There is craftsmanship. There are demonstrations of said crafts. If you go in with zero "garb", or costuming and props, you can get fully outfitted rather quickly. And yes, it can get expensive. Again, you get out what you put in.

The cats selling their wears, they do this almost year round. That is it. This is their passion and their livelihood. Granted, more than a few are retirees... Others are not "suited" to a 9 to 5 lifestyle. All had a calling to the gypsy road. There is a strong sense of community among the vendors.

My personal garb goes as follows... 1 pair of high leather boots, 2 pair of tights, 1 pair pirate pants, 1 three inch leather belt, 1 leather sporran (Renaissance fanny pack - but cooler.), 1 war sword, 1 Kukri blade, 1 flogger,  2 purple heart wooden mugs (one spare), 3 or 4 puffy sleeved period shirts, 1 wide brimmed leather hat with feathers. Various accouterments... Yeah, there be some cash invested, yo.

The highest compliment I got was last season. A little girl, 4 or 5 wanted a picture with me because I was all decked out in garb.

Acts

As for entertainment, there are five or six bigger stages and about 10 to 15 smaller venues. The acts will let you know before hand the age range of appropriateness that their show encompasses. Family friendly is easily found. Adults only shows are just as easily found.

My Top Five Do Not Miss... In no particular order...

1) Christophe The Insultor - You give him money. He insults whoever you want. The more you give him, the worse your target gets it. At the end of the show, he does a "Grand Finale". This is where some poor bastard is picked and EVERYBODY can throw in on the insult.

Story - True this time - I took X3 out to Scarby on our second or third date. Elroy's girlfriend thought it would be cute to get me insulted... Threw a 20 spot on me... Sadly, X3 and I were chatting with ol' Christophe before the show and he clearly recognized me... So, all in all, was not too scathing.

Grand finale time... Elroy's girlfriend gets picked... and got an over $350 insult thrown on her... Was completely brutal... Cries of "Mercy!" were being bandied about... At one point there was a correlation between her and Snow White, but only because he saw her getting tag teamed by seven midgets... Yeah... Ouch. I think I peed a little I was laughing so hard...

2) Daniel, Duke of Danger - Same reason you watch NASCAR. Always catch on windy days! They get "interesting". Family friendly but not insulting.

3) Iris and Rose - Wild and Thorny... Very tawdry songs. PG-13... ish...

4) Arthur Greenleaf Holmes - Wildly inappropriate poetry... If you are lucky, you will get "I Built My Love A Menstrual Hut".

5) Fire Whip Show - Fire. Check. Whips. Check. What more do you require?

I could do a top 20... easily... There are dozens upon dozens of other acts to catch... and you should. Birds of Prey is quite spectacular. And very importantly, don't be a dick and if you enjoy the show, throw some cash the performers way. They entertain, you throw some love. Deal?

Although not an "act", it is something to witness... The Parade.


Food

Scotch egg. A hard boiled egg, wrapped in a cocoon of sausage, and bread crumbs, then FRIED! Hells yes. There is just about fried "anything you want". The turkey legs are a meal for four... I have a couple places I go... A bakery to the right of the entry is where I get a turkey provolone pastry thingy... Hell, I get two.

Lunch is usually the aforementioned Scotch Egg. In the afternoon, usually before I exit the realm, I snag some deep fried mushrooms. This is usually to counter act the next topic...

Mead

Fermented honey usually cut with pear or apple juice. Sweet but not sickeningly so. And seductive... You can drink and drink and then... oh shit... Jack Sparrow Mode Engaged... thas Capt'n Jack, Love. I only imbibe this glorious, golden liquid during the Faire... I know my willpower... and I know where I would cave...

Ritual

I am a creature of habit to some extent. I enjoy the method of a thing. I enjoy the comfort of knowing what to expect. I am not rigid in my process that I will get in a full on Rain Man snit or anything.

I like getting there about 15 minutes before they "THROW OPEN THE GATES!!!" (Inside joke. Boom.) You spend your time by your chariot, getting garbed up. Making sure you have everything you need. Double checking that you have everything you need. I make my way in, hit my Turkey and Provolone... And then some mead... Scotch Egg at some point.. And then it all fades away. I walk where I wanna go. See what I wanna see. Do what I feel compelled to do. The only schedule is one decided upon by a group, and even then it is all voluntary... The Epitome of Chill.

There have been days where Elroy and I have hit show after show... Catching as many as we could. There was that one day where we sat and drank mead... Literally all day... I sat for two or three hours in the parking lot... Still prolly should not have driven.

Weekends starting April 5th running through Memorial Day.

Faire thee well,

d

This blog brought to you by Jimi Hendrix Experience, the Polyphonic Spree,  System of A Down, Led Zeppelin, Otis Redding, Marilyn Manson, Mr. Big ("Hold on little girl... Show me what he's done to you.", ahh), Steve Vai, PUSA, Iron Maiden, DISCO KISS!, Foo Fighters, Korn, Tenacious D, Metallica, Bob Marley & The Wailers ("Waiting in Vain" - Preach, Mon!), The Cars, Percy Sledge, Krokus.


* The X's - X1 is my first ex-wife. X2 is the second. X3 is, YOU GUESSED IT!, the third and final X3.