Cleanse

Last night, the Lady, who I am enjoying the company of immensely, received a text from her "best friend since the age of three". The gist of it was "Hey, can you pick up my kid?"

Without getting into the details... It was an imposition. It was the crossing of a line.

I don't give one rat's ass if you want to live your life in a very fucked up manner. I really don't. I actually enjoy watching people fuck themselves up. It is a nice reminder that while I may not be perfect, I have done quite all right and made some good decisions along the way.

Also, I was very blessed to have a sane, pleasant childhood, supported by loving and caring parents. They provided an excellent archetype of how to navigate and thrive in this world. I still screwed up, and did crazy shit... BUT Mom and Dad were always there to tell me what an idiotic move it was... "Would you jump off a bridge if all your friends did???"

"Well... Not again..."

Did I have some people in my life that were less than stellar in character? Sure... Did I limit my interaction with them and shelter other, more righteous aspects of my life from those people? Of course I did. If I felt myself becoming more like those unsavory characters, did I excise them from my life? You betcha!

It was more difficult if they were female... Even more difficult if they had a nice ass...

My Father told me two things early on, when my social circle was "expanding", 1) "Know who your friends are," and 2) "If you look the man in the mirror in the eye and don't like what you see, you are doing it wrong."

"Doing what wrong?"

"Life."

He did not mean looking in the mirror to check your make up or your hair... 

The most important thing in being able to recognize the toxic people in your life is to first and foremost know your self. You have to know true north on your moral compass in order to know when your ass is off course.

A close second to knowing yourself is knowing your self worth. Knowing what you will and will not do. Compromise is an unavoidable facet of any relationship. That being said, a true and good friend would never ask you to compromise your morals.

Without those two things firmly established... You are susceptible to toxic people. There is a difference between people who are simply self centered and selfish, and the truly toxic. A selfish person is capable of being called out on their selfishness, and acknowledging the fact they were being a prick. The biggest repository of selfish people usually come with the label of "teen".

Everyone on the planet is, at one time or another, guilty of being selfish... It is a human trait and to a certain degree healthy... Hell.. it is a necessity... Again, TO A DEGREE...  Even Superman had the Fortress of Solitude. He needed his space... His "me time"...

If you were to call a truly toxic person "selfish", it would the same as calling a brick wall "selfish". There is ONLY their "self". Everyone else is here FOR them. They have no comprehension that their could possibly be repercussions for their actions. 

They fly by "egocentric" at Mach 8.

If you try to point out their shortcomings, or faults in any way, no matter how constructively done or delicately stated, it is seen as an attack. Every thing they say or do is more important than anything you could possibly offer. They will ask your opinion on a subject, only looking for validation for their point of view.

(NOTE: Wow... I tried avoiding talking about the TV Show Host elect... I swear...) 

If you have identified a toxic person in your life... How do you eliminate the toxicity?

The best way... Be happy that you are not them. Hell, just be happy and make sure that that happiness does not have one fucking thing to do with them. Be sure to let them know it too...

If you are doing better than they are... They will leave you alone and look for someone else to poison. Viruses are like that... Opportunistic.  

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At the end of the day, as I stated earlier... If someone wants to live their life in a toxic manner... That is fine... 

However. Comma.

When your fucked up manner of living starts interfering with MY life... MY plans... And is upsetting the Lady who I deem special to me, and with whom I am enjoying time with...  You have moved out of the "toxic person" arena into "fucking cunt" domain.  

Sadly, if you have a friend, who is beset by a toxic person and can't seem to shake them... You can't "make" them ditch the two legged venom sack... It is not your place. 

All you can do is make sure that, when asked, you give your full and honest opinion of that walking piece of shit. For the record, if you are subjugated to story after story of how much of how toxic they are... That counts as a "cry for help" and an "asking of your opinion"...

Give 'em both barrels. If all else fails... write a blog.

My friends all drive Porsches, 

d

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The Phrase That Pays

I love words... I love turns of phrase... I love a nice play on words. They are my verbal bullets in which to riddle my enemies (SEE!!!! Riddle = befuddle AND riddle = punch holes in!!!). I watch the eyes dim as the greater than three syllable words sap processing power from the rest of their automatic nervous system. I am VOCABALLISTIC!

I have been thinking about phrases that, when said, have the full intention and meaning behind the sentiment being expressed. However, a very large percentage of the population will take the meaning as something else entirely. Here are some of the prime examples...

"And now something from the new album..."

Unless it is a monster album, one that is just track to track genius... This is the universal code to go get a beer, shop merch, or hit the restroom during a concert. When I saw Rush, and they were performing "Moving Pictures" in it's entirety, I knew that after "Limelight", I had some time to kill. The next song , "The Camera Eye", is almost eleven minutes long for fuck's sake.

The last concert I went to was Black Sabbath. I was never the biggest fan of "Hand of Doom"... so... REFILL. That was a tough one. They played NOTHING from this century... Hell, they did not play anything post 1980!

I have tickets for Roger Waters this summer. July 3rd... Next day off, Baby!!! I am looking forward to checking off a great many tunes from my "Sonic Bucket List". He already stated that it would be 75% Pink Floyd stuff and 25% solo or newer stuff. I will have a very comfortable bladder to be sure. Killer buzz as well.

My suggestion to all avid concert participants... Go to http://www.setlist.fm/. If you are going to see someone perform, scope out the set lists from a few of the dates before your show. It might not be 100%, but it will give you a good guess as to what you are gonna see. Also, that site has the set list from that concert you went to... Yes... Even that one. Here's the set list from the Motley Crue concert my partner in crime and I took our English Teacher to... Good times. R.I.P. Medberry!

The never ending phalanx of corpo-generated pop "artists" probably could not function without the same set list every night. How else would these "stars" remember what the next song they were going to lip sync???

"It takes some getting used to..."

I picked up an indoor cycling trainer. The back wheel sits cradled between two rollers. The front wheel sits, precariously, on a single roller... There is a band that connects a rear roller to the front roller. Easier to just show a pic...

What could POSSIBLY go wrong???

On the site I purchased this from, there was a video clip showing this thing in action. The man in the video, and I am just assuming his status as a "professional", stated that "It takes some getting used to..."

I thought back to my purchase of "clip in" bicycle shoes... and I remember hearing that particular set of words, in that particular order... And it struck me... When a "person who knows" says this, it simply means...

"You are going to get hurt."

At least once, you will end up on your ass. There might be blood. I fell twice with the clip in shoes. I am thankful I distributed the falls evenly, one to the right, and one to the left. Scars are neat!

Before trying this contraption out, I will make sure my phone is in my pocket. Makes dialing the paramedics easier. I will probably even wear my helmet... Indoors... Wish me luck!!!

"Some assembly required"

If you are in a relationship, or helping a friend build something, this phrase is one of the bigger tests that can be placed on said relationship.

If you are single, and tackling something challenging, be prepared to curse. And I don't mean the simple curse words that can be called upon with zero effort... No... I mean the stream of vulgarity that will flow from your mouth will make you gasp in horror. "I just said that?"

I am sure that some of you can handle the majority of instructions laid out before you, and while there may be one or two steps that you take a moment to ponder... but you got a handle on it... Try to think back to that first bed you bought in college... Or that first dresser...

Oh yeah... "Some assembly required" pretty much meant the utterance "I fucking hate you all and hope your dog bites your junk off... only after leaving you, going to the Khandahar province in Afghanistan, becoming radicalized, coming back to you, screaming 'Allahu Akbar!', THEN biting your junk off. I hope you are left genital-less, with a militant canine, preferably a Pomeranian, with a taste for human flesh. Bright Side - TALKING DOG! Down side - Only says hateful shit." (That was to the person who wrote the instructions to whatever monstrosity you were attempting to build.)

"Results may vary"

This translates to anyone, selling you anything, saying, "So, in which minute were you born, Sucker?"

This is the "olly olly oxen free" of disclaimers. As long as this is mentioned somewhere in the promotion, the seller is golden. Absolved of any and all fault if whatever product they be pimping does not produce as advertised.

It is the rallying cry of the supplement market... which is substantial... "This pill will make you stronger, thinner, prettier, happier, sexier to the opposite sex, sexier to the SAME sex, sexier to octogenarians, more outgoing, more loved by your Mother (You should call her, she worries ya know), funnier, grow better hair - where you want it!, grow less hair - where you don't want it!, jump higher, go father, faster, able to fly, perform card tricks, communicate with your militant canine (That is one pissed off Pom!), and finally, it will make your farts smell like roses.... Results may vary."

That pill can do none of those things, and if you try to get your money back... Well... Best of luck with that one, Pum'kin.

This next one is a multi-part...
"Turn on the news!"
"Which channel?"
"Doesn't matter..."

If you have been alive long enough, you will have heard this sequence. It is the universal "Something really bad has happened."

This most recent one was 9/11. There was confusion. There was disbelief. Then came the "Nothing will ever be the same."

I am sure that it was the same on a chilly day in late November, 18.3 miles from where I sit now. All the stations were covering the assassination of Kennedy, but Walter Cronkite, intruding upon "As The World Turns", was the "Most Trusted Man in The Country".

Watching his sadness... His humanity... pierce through his professionalism as he announced the death of Kennedy makes me wince every time I see it.

I remember calling my Mom when the O.J. Simpson verdict was read. Asking how much money does one need to get away with murder? I remember that being on every... And I mean EVERY station, as cable news networks were in full swing by then... I also remembering moments before the verdict was read... Will the ensuing riots be in protest or celebration?

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I don't know when a phrase enters that elite status of "universally understood double meaning". There are the classics, like "Bless their heart, but..." and "Don't get offended, but...". The first almost does not count if not delivered in a thick, southern accent. The later is not so much double meaning, just an asshole's way of saying something asshole-y.

As of now, the latest and greatest contender would be "Believe Me!"/"Trust Me!". The reason it did not make the list above is because it is primarily interpreted as "Don't believe me/Don't trust me" when uttered by the TV Show Host Elect... Bless his heart.

Let your love light shine,

d

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The Source of My Discourse

With the brand spanking newness of 2017 comes the urge to make resolutions. I have a few in mind, but only one word keeps flashing in my mind like a giant, Las Vegas style, neon sign...

RESIST.

Me being the curious type, I am trying to quantify the word. Am I trying resist the urge to slap stupid people? Am I to resist the upcoming administration's plans to overthrow  govern this country? Am I supposed to resist temptations placed before me? Sali's Pizza... I am looking at you...

If I had to pick one, I would go with the second option. The third option is unattainable. Soooo good.

So, if I am to resist, what is the best way to do so? Not watch the inauguration? That won't be too difficult. Not like any real entertainers are showing up!

Here is why that would not do any good... First, the people who love the TV Show Host Elect will be watching in droves. Second, the people who hate the TV Show Host Elect will be watching in droves. Either way, he wins. He thrives off of both love and hate. The only thing he can't stand is being ignored. Now, we will have no choice.

All I have is my blog here, and my voice in my sphere of influence. I will use it as I see fit. Now, every voice needs a muse, an inspiration. Like the title states... I need a source for my discourse. Sadly, as a far, far better writer than I once quipped, "If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you're misinformed." Well, not much has changed since Mark Twain threw that little nugget out there.

HOWEVER, if you DO find yourself like minded in your urge to NOT "Just accept it"... I offer the following sources in which to fuel your engines of unruliness.

Samantha Bee - Hey... It's a lady! "Full Frontal with Samantha Bee" showed up in February, 2016 and promptly kicked everyone in the bathing suit area. She was the first late night host without a penis, so she decided to double down in the balls department. The title alone is hilarious in that it teases sexuality, but has zero to do with nudity. No, it is a full frontal assault on bullshit.

Mrs. B gained attention, and cut her teeth under Jon Stewart's reign on the "The Daily Show". She took the same format and brought her own "tenacity" to the mix. In her segments, when interviewing people, she was masterful at letting the audience know exactly what the interviewee was shoveling her way smelled like...

"Friend" her show on Facebook. The day after the show airs, she puts up the segments on her feed.

Her show is usually on once a week. That is a major "Con", but can also added to the long list of "Pros". They have time to polish the bits... They have time to do this thing called "Fact Checking". The major networks may wanna look into that.

John Oliver - The Brit. Like all subjects of the Crown, his delivery is poised and sounds dignified... Until it doesn't! He will straight up lose his shit when needed... and to great comedic effect. He and his staff have already won two Emmys. The ones routinely split between Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for the past forever. (Both of  whom Oliver worked with...)

With "Last Week Tonight" only being on once a week, and on HBO, it is masterfully presented and the preparation is felt through the screen. When he talks about the hours of research he and his staff have done on a topic, you are left with little doubt that they busted their asses.

The major downside to his show is that once they pick a topic... That is it... Anything you could say about said topic will look like the ramblings of the village dullard compared to the surgically precise delivery witnessed on that program. I have had to scrap more than one blog idea because I knew Oliver and Co. had covered it already to perfection.

I will lose a good chunk of time going to youtube.com, searching on "Last Week Tonight", clicking the first result, and letting it play... and play... and play.

Devastating. Brutal. Scathing. Scorched. Those are words I have used in describing the recipients of that show's attention. That show definitely makes me want to up my game. I also love that show for their allowed usage of "fuck". It's like a warm comfortable blanket of swearing... *snuggles*

Trevor Noah - In his last broadcast on "The Daily Show", Jon Stewart told his viewers, "The best defense against bullshit is vigilance. If you smell something, say something." A young African gent took up the reins and has been charging full speed in his olfactory guardianship.

Trevor Noah and "The Best Fucking News Team" have been continuing the good fight. In the midst of the buffoonery and jokes, they lay down some hard, hard truths. They point out glaring hypocrisies by all sides of the aisle, without favor.

It is not their fault that Republicans are habitually two faced and lie constantly.

Trevor is a damn fine interviewer. I appreciated him having Tomi Lahren on. He has completely differing views than the spoiled, little, white girl from Dallas who thinks her shit doesn't stink. His interview was cordial, yet probing and unapologetic in it's tone.

He also was a trooper and was back on the air ONE DAY after his appendix burst.

The team puts on four shows a week and not all of the bits are winners. They just can't be. I still get more information and perspective from a failed bit on that show than I do from an hour of cable news. At least on "The Daily Show" the skepticism normally generated from the "news" is offset by humor.

New, full episodes are available on comedycentral.com, usually the day after airing. Ads are a small price to pay!

VICE News - This is the one devoid of humor. There is rarely mirth emitting from these stories. If the others are a commentary with a humorous wrapping to make it easier to swallow, this is the jagged pill.

It is not supposed to be easy to swallow. You should come away wanting to smash the system. You should come away wondering how things got this jacked.

It is on HBO... So access is not available to everybody.OH WAIT! Just go to youtube.com and type "VICE News" in the search bar... Lo and behold... REEEEE-ZULTS!

Here is why 50% of my choices are from HBO... They answer to NO ONE. They have no commercial aspect. They already got PAID!!! Censors? Um... They can go blow a goat. Corporate sponsors? WHAT SPONSORS???

News channels have people to answer to. They have sponsors. If NBC has a commercial in the second block of programming of the nightly news for... I dunno... a new drug called "assholinall", and it is suddenly found to cause explosive diarrhea in cats who get sneezed on by the person taking it...

THEY ARE GOING TO BURY THAT STORY! VICE News would crawl up the pharmaceutical companies ass with a flashlight. One of those old ones... That get really hot...

They also have a world perspective that is refreshing. Been in Syria? Yup. Been in NORTH KOREA??? Yup. They are not afraid. They report NEWS. Not some fluff piece about a water skiing squirrel. Not some human interest story about kids who help little old ladies learn about smoking crack...

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All of these shows are thumbing their nose at the mired in mediocrity that is the "Mainstream Media". They are not abiding by the playbook, but are true to the one true creed of journalism.

I will save you a click and state the most important one...

"I believe that the public journal is a public trust; that all connected with it are, to the full measure of their responsibility, trustees for the public; that acceptance of a lesser service than the public service is betrayal of this trust."

I find the group above m to be the last bastions of sanity in the 24 hour News Cycle... Because they don't play by the rules. Three out of four make ya laugh while making just a little bit smarter.

In this new age where facts do not matter, logic has gone "buh-bye", and justice is a "conceptual matter", laughter is going to be the best way to "Deal With It!", as we are told to do so by people who voted for a TV Show Host.

We cannot afford to be neutral on a moving train,

d

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Make With The MMXVII

Monday edition because yesterday...  Being the BeBe Jeezys' birthday and all...

Lessee... January was David Bowie and Alan Rickman.

February was Justice Antonin Scalia and Harper Lee.

March was Sir George Martin and Garry Shandling.

April was Prince and Merle Haggard.

May was Morley Safer.

June was Muhammed Ali and Gordie Howe.

July was Garry Marshall.

August saw the passing of Kenny Baker and Gene Wilder.

September was Arnold Palmer.

October was facts and logic.

November was Ron Glass, Fidel Castro, Florence Henderson, and hope.

And in December, with 5 days yet to go... John Glenn and George Michael.

Did I know any of these people? Not really. Did they have an impact on my life? Some more than others. Are these the only people of note who passed this year? No... Fucking Grizzly Adams, man! FISH IS DEAD... But... To be honest... We all thought Abe Vigoda died 20 years ago. It was a terrible year for "Barney Miller" I tells ya! More than one person on that list provided laughs, or took away the strife of the day through entertainment... So, they were aces in my book.

This year has sucked. I can only support this opinion from my own point of view.

In world events, January saw the Zika virus hitting the U.S.. Flint, Michigan declared a state of emergency. I think 13 people are going to be seeing jail time... Good.

February, with the aforementioned death of Scalia, saw the Supreme Court of the United States of America made "irrelevant". The Grand Obstructionist Party decided that it would rather have NO Supreme Court than allow the SITTING PRESIDENT his right, NAY, his duty, of nominating a Judge.

March saw terror attacks in Brussels. Of course, people here in the U.S. were worried about who was using which bathroom.

April saw Mississippi pass the "Religious Freedom" Bill. This allowed people/businesses with "religious beliefs" to be total assholes to anyone they wanted, without fear of repercussions, because... well... The bible told them they were special.

May saw Trump become the "presumptive nominee" of the Republican Party. In other tragic news, Harambe got shot... The best summation of that event was this:

Thanks, Opus. Also in May, Canada caught on fire.

June was just a swell month! There was the Orlando night club shooting. The UCLA shooting. That human piece of shit Brock Turner got his "sentence" of 6 months jail time (he did two months) for THREE FELONY COUNTS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT! Along with Ali and Howe, "justice" also laid to rest.

Oh, and across the pond, Britain, getting tired of the U.S. political system hogging all the "batshit crazy", decided to enact the "Brexit"... The next day, most of the populace, who were stoked into a nationalistic frenzy, were quoted as saying, "I voted for what?"

July was not much better. The FBI states that no charges would be filed against Clinton... And that was the last we heard 'bout that! (Italics denote sarcasm!) In my neck of the woods, a peaceful protest against police brutality went tragically wrong when a single individual ambushed police officers, killing five. I think there was an Olympics or something... Brazil was too busy eating itself to host it in any way resembling "orderly".

August saw Syria turning into MORE of a complete shit show. Just when you think Syria could not get more fucked... It is like Syria is taking it as a dare. "Oh, I can be more of a quagmire... JUST YOU WATCH!!!!"

Dakota Access Pipeline... That was September. People gathering to save their WATER SUPPLY and big oil saying "It's not like you people were here first!". The first of the "Presidential" debates aired. So, along with Palmer, so went the death of civility. At this point, people were just in a apathetic state with the whole election process. And there was at least a month to go...

October had Hurricane Matthew hit the eastern seaboard. Funny note... due to what the locals would call "Jesus Needin' To Have Somewheres To Stroll", and what smart people would call "Climate Change", the waters did NOT recede. The ground being super saturated and overflowing rivers in a few of the the Atlantic states caused problems with the water not really going... away...

November... We all know the terrible tragedy that befell this great nation in November. By electing Donald Trump, this nation saw hope getting grabbed by the pussy and assaulted. The Chicago Cubs won the world series... If that ain't a sign... I dunno what is.

December... I spent a cold ass week in Utah. So...  Enough said... Well.. Wait... Every nomination and appointment of the President-Elect is a dick slap in the mouth of all who voted for him. Furthering the thought from the previous paragraph, the whole holiday season was "muffled". The only way I can really summarize the way things have been since the election, is "Tainted". It is like the "Happiness Index" can only go up to 96%. That last four percent is not available as long as that Cheeto-Fucker is the President.

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Well... That was depressing as fuck.

Some quick shots of good news: The Army Core of Engineers told the Dakota Access Pipeline to fuck off. Obama is STILL doing some nice shit in his last days to make Trump have a bit of a harder time fucking us all. "Stranger Things" on Netflix... "Chewbacca Mask Lady" made me cry with laughter...

Um... That is about it... How fucked up is it that you have to Google , "Good Things that happened in 2016" and you read through them and can only remark, "Oh, you fuckers are reaching..." One site listed "Pokemon Go!" as a good thing... Okay... Sure... The bar has been sooooooo lowered.

I will say this... The light has been shown on the two legged cockroaches. People, emboldened by the election, are showing their true colors. I never feared the skinhead, swastika emblazoned, racist fucks... They were visible... They were a known quantity.

It was all those people who were just in shadowy wings... The periphery ... Waiting... People who you thought you knew. Now, they are not afraid to show their true colors. It is a feeling of disappointment on a mass, national scale.

I steel myself with the words from what is called "The Greatest Speech"...

"To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish." - Hynkel

Well... That and this... WELL worth the five minutes...

Thanks, John. Like the man says... "Let's all try harder next year."

With no love in our souls, and no money in our coats,

d

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The Audience Is Listening?

A few weeks back, I wrote a little blog here about winter winds. I was pretty damn proud of it. A friend who is a reader said it "painted a picture". Even better, it "painted a picture without involving clown porn".

This site gives me stats and number of times a blog post was viewed. It was there that I learned that a whopping twelve people read it. TWELVE. TWELVE! I hate that number. Probably due to it being my least favorite age... "Why are girls still icky.... BUT making me feel kinda funny and not AS icky???"

I was thinking about how I was kind of butt hurt by the whole affair. I was really happy with the way that post turned out and was looking forward to the adulation that was going to rain down from all of my fan. The last thing I was expecting was the sound of crickets.

It brought sharply to focus a phrase my Dad stopped me in my tracks with a decade or two ago... I was going to a parade, or making fun of a parade, I forget (Probably the later). He waxed philosophically, "Who is the parade really for, the people in the parade or for the people watching the parade?"

Mind Blah-own!

I like to think that I am not an attention whore. I have never felt the need to be the center of the party. I realize that if a party is for a specific person/event, they are the focus.

Having had an actual surprise birthday party thrown for me, where I WAS the focus, I remember being exhausted by the end of the day trying to be a good host at my house, and make sure everyone knew I was thankful for their appearance. Oh, and to let them know that heart attack inducing surprises are in store for each and every one of them.

Tiffany Rossetti... Watch your ass!

However, when I wrote that blog, and got abysmal readership... I might have uttered a "What the fuck?" or six... Am I really that thirsty (as the kids call it, and you add the words "for attention"... see all the time that saved????)?

After some soul searching... Yes. You damn right I want people to enjoy my writing. I don't just do this for my own amusement. I do this for the same reason people share anything... To inflict the demons from their head into yours! Share that burden, people!

The end game has always been that a reader suggests this blog to a friend. The friend has a chuckle, so they refer it to another friend. SOON, a person who has a shit tonne of money and is a publisher type person or something, says, "This is fantastic! Love this shit! I want to give that guy money to write!"

I would love, love, LOVE to get paid to this. First, I would be my own boss. Finally, a boss who I want to have sex with!!! Who am I kidding? I have sex with me for free anyways! And yes... You get what you paid for!

Second... I would smoke weed. A lot. As an "artist", I would think of it as a "creative juice extractor"... "Cancer preventative"? (Fuck you, FDA. 1000 times, Fuck you!)

Third... I would be getting paid to do something I like... I like writing and there is no paying "Lego Model Putter Together-er" jobs out there... Not even "Topless Lego Model Putter Together-er". I checked.

As the end of the year draws near, I will have some vay-kay time to burn. I know that I will kick out a blog or two over the holidays, maybe skipping next weekend to celebrate the Bebe Jeeezys' birthday. I know in my down time, I will be doing research on how to get my readership of the Bleed to go up.

Can you imagine a world with t-shirts that say "WOMEN AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO BLEED!" or "I FEEL THE NEED, THE NEED FOR THE BLEED!" or "THE HIGHPOINTBLEED TOLD ME TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK!"

It would make me smile... To see my Mom... Sporting a shirt that condones a penis getting pugilistically pummeled... Hell, I get misty eyed thinking about it.

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This week, I also discovered that my Facebook feed, since mid November, was set to only show posts to "Close Friends"

Of which, I have none. For fuck's sake, I only have 50 friends on Facebook. I keep that shit low. If you are my friend on Facebook, you are my close friend. I have known you for at least a decade OR at one time wanted to see you naked. All good.

That, more than anything, is the main culprit for the low readership the past few weeks. It is the only place I "advertise" a new posting. Once again... looking into remedying that.

Just think... All you peeps can do the "I was there from the beginning!" stance when I get all famous and stuff... Free t-shirts for the LOYAL peeps!

Final update... Still seeing the lady who has me smitten as a kitten. She called my writing "Brilliant". That means she is either 1) easily amused. 2) Has EXCELLENT taste, 3) Kinda likes me. Any way you slice it... I will take a piece.

We're on the road to nowhere,

d

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Paddle. Check.

So, I am at a conference in Utah. Had some time between presentations, so I jotted down some blog ideas. Pretty much have the rest of the year covered! Utah was not as useless as one would think.

This one idea was about how white water rafting is dangerous. On so many levels.

First there is the fact you have to be properly equipped and in good shape in order to successfully engage in the activity.

I mean you have to know YOUR limitations... What you can and can't handle. If you are not fully prepared and in shape to tackle the river... You are going to hurt yourself, or someone else.

While I know there are other people involved, sometimes old friends, who you rely on, and sometimes it is new friends, bonding over the common factor of insanity that is white water rafting.

Secondly, there is boarding and embarking on the journey. This in and of itself is a trying process. You do not know what to expect. The brochures make it look exciting as all hell!, and if you talk to anyone who has done it before, they will tell you about how wonderful it is. Your really good friends will tell you about the pain they endured... The bruises and broken things... It happens.

The beginning is uncomfortable. New sensations. New things to learn and remember. The price of negligence is costly.

So... You are fully on the river... Flowing along. You have to be careful NOT to get off course. You can take the wrong fork and be completely and wholly fucked. There will be forks in the beginning that may be easy to recognize the proper channel to take will be obvious. Now, if the waters get choppy and rapid, the choices have to be made in a heartbeat, and the consequences dire...

There is also the peril of getting swept away. Not caring... Letting yourself go and just seeing "where the river takes you". It can be inviting and alluring to do so.. Throw out the "It is what it is!" or "YOLO!" (which I am happy to say is one of the good things to die in 2016) comment and just surrender.

The major drawback is that you may not like where you end up, and how costly is was to get there in money and time...

Speaking of time, it becomes an even more ethereal thing... Seeming to have stretches of forever, where you don't even notice or remember the last time you saw the river. Then there are times where you feel like there is not enough time, it is flying by so fast, before you know it... you have to say goodbye to the river...

Another thing, and this is just my personal opinion... when you are in a raft... and cruising along... Other rafts may show up... Rafts you have been on before... You know the raft... And while that journey ended, the raft was not really the issue... So... It may look tempting... BUT... beware.

Trying to navigate between two rafts... That is exactly when the waters will get choppy and agitated beyond comprehension. The likelihood of capsizing BOTH rafts, and a whole lot of misery, and drowning, is increased by a magnitude of eleventy billion. I avoid that shit like the plague.

If you communicate with people who are in the raft with you... And hell, even with the raft... With the river... The chances you will successfully navigate the churning, frothy, waters improve dramatically. It is a team effort.

Now... in every excursion on the river... There may come a time to bail. The waters are raging. There are rocks ahead. There are many, many signs telling you, SCREAMING at you, "Danger Ahead! Like 'you are going to end up bloody' Danger, and it is coming at YOU!"

This is the decision that will haunt you for a while. The decision you will look back on with regret. Wishing you had, or wishing you hadn't... You will look back and wonder "What if?", more than once.

If that point comes to fruition, you will wonder, "How in the name of fuck did I get here? I was smart. I planned ahead. I followed the rules." When white water rafting, the rules are in place, and through no fault of your own, you can find yourself in the aforementioned Pucker Factor 5000 Danger Zone.

Sadly... There may not even be ANY danger. The waters calm and serene... And you will still want to exit the raft. There is not any other rafts that have drawn your attention... There is no turbulence... Some white water rafting trips just don't work out... Nobody's fault. Just not the right time... You do your best to minimize the damage to yourself and others when this happens.

After all the warnings... You may be wondering, "Why in the name of all this is holy and unholy would anyone subject themselves to that???"

There is no feeling like it. Butterflies. Thrills. You feel like you have the opportunity to be the best version of you that you can be. You make memories. A shared experience that is yours to cherish forever. Regardless of what happens... If you have been on that river for a while, it has left your heart and soul with it's imprint.

You can't get that standing on the shore.

__________________________________________

Wait... I was thinking about relationships and falling for someone... NOT white water rafting. I would not go white water rafting if you paid me. And paid me well. Lots of zeros. Read it again, and do the analogy/metaphor thingy... Rafts are people... River is a relationship... That sorta shit.

I am in a relationship. While that nomenclature is pretty broad... It is easier to type than "We are enjoying each other's company and seeing what happens in an organic and natural progression (And we enjoy the kissing and fooling around)."

For the record.. Utah was bitter fucking cold. First time I have been on a plane that needed to be "de-iced", which makes ones sphincter twitch a tad... The best part of the trip was the sandwich in the airports Gordon Biersch's restaurant when departing the Beehive state.

The Artisan Grilled Cheese... Gruyere cheese, four strips of thick cut, hickory smoked, bacon, a flavorful avocado mayo spread on sourdough bread, grilled to perfection... FUCK YES! Can't recommend enough. And according to the internets... They are everywhere, not just in Salt Lake City International Airport! SCORE!

Parting shot... 10,000 some odd views on my little writings... I appreciate it...

Up the creek,

d

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The State Snack is Jell-O

Tomorrow I am heading to Utah for a conference. Third time to this conference, and it will be the same people talking about the same thing. Always in Utah. So... down and dirty blog time.

Flying north in the winter is a bad idea, ask any damn migratory bird. The organizers announced that they were going to have it in December this time so people can go skiing after the conference. There was a smattering of "ooohs" from the audience. the rest of us were thinking, "December in Utah... Lovely."

I have the Nook loaded up with movies and books and all manner of diversion.

The hotel bar does not carry Coke products... WTF? I asked the bartender for a Jack and Coke, and he asks, ""Will a Jack and Pepsi do?"

"No. No. Hell no."

We are down the street from a cult temple. Ever been somewhere and everybody seems well adjusted and nice? Yeah... I am not a fan either.

The weather will be unseasonably... cold... and the highest temperature during the sentence will be 34. The HIGHEST temperature...

My folks are in town to watch Lily... AND give me presents for Xmas when I get back...

I will get paid on the day we fly back.

I am looking for any silver lining, because this will be the first trip in quite some time that I have someone I want to get back to.

She still likes me. I like her.

Thursday is so very far away,

d

No tunes this time... BUT... to get macabre.... If I were to perish... Mom and Dad get all my shit... Delete the "Downloads" folder on my computer - Trust me. Just do it....