I have been thinking about phrases that, when said, have the full intention and meaning behind the sentiment being expressed. However, a very large percentage of the population will take the meaning as something else entirely. Here are some of the prime examples...
"And now something from the new album..."
Unless it is a monster album, one that is just track to track genius... This is the universal code to go get a beer, shop merch, or hit the restroom during a concert. When I saw Rush, and they were performing "Moving Pictures" in it's entirety, I knew that after "Limelight", I had some time to kill. The next song , "The Camera Eye", is almost eleven minutes long for fuck's sake.
The last concert I went to was Black Sabbath. I was never the biggest fan of "Hand of Doom"... so... REFILL. That was a tough one. They played NOTHING from this century... Hell, they did not play anything post 1980!
I have tickets for Roger Waters this summer. July 3rd... Next day off, Baby!!! I am looking forward to checking off a great many tunes from my "Sonic Bucket List". He already stated that it would be 75% Pink Floyd stuff and 25% solo or newer stuff. I will have a very comfortable bladder to be sure. Killer buzz as well.
My suggestion to all avid concert participants... Go to http://www.setlist.fm/. If you are going to see someone perform, scope out the set lists from a few of the dates before your show. It might not be 100%, but it will give you a good guess as to what you are gonna see. Also, that site has the set list from that concert you went to... Yes... Even that one. Here's the set list from the Motley Crue concert my partner in crime and I took our English Teacher to... Good times. R.I.P. Medberry!
The never ending phalanx of corpo-generated pop "artists" probably could not function without the same set list every night. How else would these "stars" remember what the next song they were going to lip sync???
"It takes some getting used to..."
I picked up an indoor cycling trainer. The back wheel sits cradled between two rollers. The front wheel sits, precariously, on a single roller... There is a band that connects a rear roller to the front roller. Easier to just show a pic...
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| What could POSSIBLY go wrong??? |
I thought back to my purchase of "clip in" bicycle shoes... and I remember hearing that particular set of words, in that particular order... And it struck me... When a "person who knows" says this, it simply means...
"You are going to get hurt."
At least once, you will end up on your ass. There might be blood. I fell twice with the clip in shoes. I am thankful I distributed the falls evenly, one to the right, and one to the left. Scars are neat!
Before trying this contraption out, I will make sure my phone is in my pocket. Makes dialing the paramedics easier. I will probably even wear my helmet... Indoors... Wish me luck!!!
"Some assembly required"
If you are in a relationship, or helping a friend build something, this phrase is one of the bigger tests that can be placed on said relationship.
If you are single, and tackling something challenging, be prepared to curse. And I don't mean the simple curse words that can be called upon with zero effort... No... I mean the stream of vulgarity that will flow from your mouth will make you gasp in horror. "I just said that?"
I am sure that some of you can handle the majority of instructions laid out before you, and while there may be one or two steps that you take a moment to ponder... but you got a handle on it... Try to think back to that first bed you bought in college... Or that first dresser...
Oh yeah... "Some assembly required" pretty much meant the utterance "I fucking hate you all and hope your dog bites your junk off... only after leaving you, going to the Khandahar province in Afghanistan, becoming radicalized, coming back to you, screaming 'Allahu Akbar!', THEN biting your junk off. I hope you are left genital-less, with a militant canine, preferably a Pomeranian, with a taste for human flesh. Bright Side - TALKING DOG! Down side - Only says hateful shit." (That was to the person who wrote the instructions to whatever monstrosity you were attempting to build.)
"Results may vary"
This translates to anyone, selling you anything, saying, "So, in which minute were you born, Sucker?"
This is the "olly olly oxen free" of disclaimers. As long as this is mentioned somewhere in the promotion, the seller is golden. Absolved of any and all fault if whatever product they be pimping does not produce as advertised.
It is the rallying cry of the supplement market... which is substantial... "This pill will make you stronger, thinner, prettier, happier, sexier to the opposite sex, sexier to the SAME sex, sexier to octogenarians, more outgoing, more loved by your Mother (You should call her, she worries ya know), funnier, grow better hair - where you want it!, grow less hair - where you don't want it!, jump higher, go father, faster, able to fly, perform card tricks, communicate with your militant canine (That is one pissed off Pom!), and finally, it will make your farts smell like roses.... Results may vary."
That pill can do none of those things, and if you try to get your money back... Well... Best of luck with that one, Pum'kin.
This next one is a multi-part...
"Turn on the news!"
"Which channel?"
"Doesn't matter..."
If you have been alive long enough, you will have heard this sequence. It is the universal "Something really bad has happened."
This most recent one was 9/11. There was confusion. There was disbelief. Then came the "Nothing will ever be the same."
I am sure that it was the same on a chilly day in late November, 18.3 miles from where I sit now. All the stations were covering the assassination of Kennedy, but Walter Cronkite, intruding upon "As The World Turns", was the "Most Trusted Man in The Country".
Watching his sadness... His humanity... pierce through his professionalism as he announced the death of Kennedy makes me wince every time I see it.
I remember calling my Mom when the O.J. Simpson verdict was read. Asking how much money does one need to get away with murder? I remember that being on every... And I mean EVERY station, as cable news networks were in full swing by then... I also remembering moments before the verdict was read... Will the ensuing riots be in protest or celebration?
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I don't know when a phrase enters that elite status of "universally understood double meaning". There are the classics, like "Bless their heart, but..." and "Don't get offended, but...". The first almost does not count if not delivered in a thick, southern accent. The later is not so much double meaning, just an asshole's way of saying something asshole-y.
As of now, the latest and greatest contender would be "Believe Me!"/"Trust Me!". The reason it did not make the list above is because it is primarily interpreted as "Don't believe me/Don't trust me" when uttered by the TV Show Host Elect... Bless his heart.
Let your love light shine,
d
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