Internet Dating... or "Ex Wives, Aisle 8."

About 17 years ago (1997 for the math challenged), my comrade in the USAF was late to work. This was unusual as he was the "go-getter" type. Always early, and would volunteer US to do every job that popped up. Sergeant Ross leaned out the office door, and in his Georgian drawl, "Hey, D!"

"Yeah, Sarge?"

"Where's Byerly?"

I checked the clock... 0703 hours, popped to attention mockingly, " Sir, If he was up your ass you'd..."

"Shut yer mouth! Go get him!"

"Yessir!"

I pulled up to his room in the dorms. The door slightly ajar. I yelled "Hey, Douche-n-stein... I am coming in..." (This was standard protocol in the dorms, as you were never sure what you would walk in on).

I peered in... he was at his brandy new PC... BDU shirt half on... He looked like he had not slept... He turns, eyes glazed and twitching from having been screen gazing for the better part of 6 straight hours, and says "Man, I am talking to six chicks at once!!!"

"Scoot over."

Before either of us knew what was happening, a shout rang out, "WHERE THE FUCK YOU TWO IDIOTS BEEN?".

We both turned, to see Sergeant Ross, looking none too pleased... Then we looked at the clock... it was about a quarter after 10.

"We are talking to about 14 chicks at once, Sarge."

"Scoot over."

This was my introduction to Internet Dating...
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Things have changed and things have not changed...

I won't bore you with statistics and stuff... BUT will give you a link to some wicked interesting statistics...

When I was getting out of the USAF, I knew I would be moving to Arlington, TX. So I drunkenly told Byerly... "I am moving to Texas, I should starts talking to chicks in Texas... It is the WORLD WIDE WEB, man!"

"You are a GENIUS!"

This is how I met the second ex wife... aka X2. After we split up...

TO THE INTERNETS!!! This was about 2003 or 2004 ish. The main technological advancement being CAMS! Now you could see the person, and decide there was no way in hell you were going to stick your dick in that. All without having to leave the apartment! Being about 32, things were still okay... Happens to a lot of people...

I met X3 on a site... can't even remember where... I think it was Yahoo! Profiles or the such... After we split up...

TO THE INTERNETS!!! The last two relationships or any merit were both off the internet... By this time, I was (and still am, now) jaded and cynical, it is the closest thing to a self defeating prophecy I can think of... Being 41 and single, not as bueno...

For the record... I will now be talking as to the folly and inescapable world of internet dating... I will be using a site that some know, and some don't... POF.com. It is a pretty popular dating site for a couple of reasons... 1) It is free. 2) It does not cost anything. 3) You do not have to give them money.

And, with that said, ya get what ya paid for.

Okay, I know this will sound like women bashing... And that is because I am not out there reading guys profiles... Like the t-shirt says "Sorry Guys, I Eat Pussy"... Works for lesbians, too. 206 days til XMas!

Likes

On POF you list your "likes"... Women apparently love to "travel", "work out", "shop", "God, "anything outdoors", and "Insert Stupid TV Show Here". I get it... But honesty is pretty important... List "Porn", "Lazy Sundays", "Rooster Fighting"... Illegal, but honest!

The Pictures

If you are covered in blood, or dressed as an occupation, but as a slut in that occupation... You really do not need to caption the pic with "Halloween!!!" No shit? I thought the Slut Division of the police department hiring...

If all your shots are from a high angle, we get it... you are trying to look slimmer...

If you list your self as anything "Christian"... and have pics of you slutting it up for the camera, or assuming positions known only to pornstars... it makes me wonder what church you go to...

If you are doing the obligatory bathroom "Getting Ready for Gals Night Out"... Remove or crop out your vibrator. On second thought, leave it... Good to know the competition...

Reading

In my profile, I list things I am not a fan of. Country music. Republicans. Rednecks. NASCAR. Reality TV... And I get messages or contact from "R3dN3ckGal"... Um... Did you not read what I wrote? CAN you read what I wrote?

I mention I would like someone local... I do this DJ'ing thing in a national chat room and it seems that if a woman lives 486 or miles away from me - TOTALLY digs me... Local? Not so much. So I get messages from frikkin' Columbus frikkin Ohio... WTF? Break out a fucking globe or map or some shit!!!

Red Flags

I actually READ the profiles. I have a couple of things that verboten, that make me hit the "NEXT" button. If a woman with kids says "and they are my world"... NEXT. If they are your world, then where would I fit in?

If a woman mentions "typical Dallas gal"... High maintenance and superficial bitchitude. NEXT.

"Christ comes first"... Does the line form to the left? (Yes, if there is a hell, I am going... if you laughed, see you there!)

I have seen some women in their 40's, who look like they are in their 20's... I have seen some women in their early 30's who look like the Crypt Keeper...

(For those who never watched "Tales From the Crypt")

If the "body type" says "Average", and they are morbidly obese... That means they are not even with themselves.

Speaking of...

Honesty

I believe in it. I know I am far from perfect (but closer than others!). I do not disclose everything... I tell them they can ask me anything they would like. I can not make them like the answer, but they will know it is honest.

There is no reason to lie. It will come out eventually. So why waste time? I will not continue a date with someone who had pics from 10 years ago on their profile, only to show up and see her as she truly is... That is an affront and disrespectful.

They (they being those pesky stats from earlier) say men lie most about their height... Women lie most about weight and physical appearance. But both say "Personality" is the most important trait... LIES!!! The reason is simple... It is the "foot in the door" principle... "If I can just get them to know the REAL me, I will never have to worry about the outer shell! They will look past it!!!"

I can't see that far... Here's an idea... Try doing a little maintenance on that outer shell. Not for me. Not for "him", not for anyone else. Do it for you. Your confidence will skyrocket... And regardless of gender, confidence is sexy as fuck.
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In closing... I will utilize all means available to find the next "one"...

Maya Angelou, rest her soul, said "Have the courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time."

I am trying Ma'am, I really am. She also said, "Watch out for whack ass bitches on the internet!" (unconfirmed)

TO THE INTERNETS!!!

Easy, like a Sunday morning,

d

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