"Git R' Done"
I like to think of myself as a person with a good sense of humor. I appreciate all kinds and flavors of humor. Harold Llyod, Richard Pryor, Loius C.K., Chris Rock, Steven Wright, Jim Gaffigan, Larry, Moe, and Curly (Shemp can suck my choad). I do not, however, support Larry The Cable Guy.
I like Ron White and Bill Engvall. I can handle Jeff Foxworthy in small, small doses. When it comes to the last member of that little troupe, I just can not endorse him. I find his humor catering to a demographic I have no desire to join. Lowest Common Denominator.
A gentleman at work, who for all purposes is a higher up, requested a report to be made for the system. He actually wrote up specifications... I was flabbergasted... And then I saw the title he had bestowed on this little gem... The "Git R' Done Report". I requested, as nicely as I could, that the title be changed. He pressured me as to why. "Because I have no desire to be associated with a character that I would classify as mentally retarded due to incestuous breeding habits."
"Southern Boys"
Another forum had a post... "30 Things You Will Never Here Southern Boys Say"
This is the list... My responses are in bold...
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29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. "I will take 'Which Family Member Kisses Better' for 200"
28. Duct tape won't fix that. This is why there will never be a "Redneck Air".
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. "I enjoy piss colored water!"
26. We don't keep firearms in this house. Of course Jr. shot his toe off the other day... We're so blessed that it wern't a repeat of what happened to Billy Joe Jim Bob, rest his soul.
25. You can't feed that to the dog. Animal cruelty! YAY!
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. DARWINISM! Or "Them thar Mexicans stole our transportation strategy!"
23. Wrestling is fake. "I like watching two muscular dudes perform choreographed exchanges..." Latent homosexuality... Nice!
22. We're vegetarians. Right... And most of the Southern states are among the unhealthiest! Adult Onset Diabetes! Congrats!
21. Do you think my gut is too big? Self respect? Nah!
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of that there biscuits and gravy. See #22.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog. Right, just breed another child you can't support!
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War? The Slaves? 620,000+ dead people?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. See #22.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. Right... Because you showed real skill with a scoped, large caliber rifle, from a concealed perch, with bait, and tons of other modern conveniences...
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Okay... Can't argue with this one... But I do try to avoid the place due to it's raping of it's employees.
14. Trim the fat off that steak. How many heart attacks there, Chief?
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Starbucks is in the South... But you may be exposed to actual culture if you enter... and it would make you feel stupid... best to just avoid.
12. The tires on that truck are too big. Compensating for anything, Hoss?
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. If it is porn, I would believe it.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes much better. See #22.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I have rarely heard of "Rich White Trash".
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. "But I got two bags of Crystal Meth!"
7. Checkmate. No strategerizin'!
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. Pedophilia!
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. Roy Clark was a fantastic musician... but that show was all about tits and innuendo - Nothing wrong with that, but seen one episode, seen 'em all.
4. I don't have a favorite college team. "I weren't smart enuff t'go, so I will support the sports team and pretend!"
3. You Guys. I don't even understand this one... Which is a victory.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. "I kin see yer hail damage!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to re-elect OBAMA. Besides the drunk driving indicated... The bigger issue...
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The Southern states are invariably the poorest states... and also very Republican. Republicans sell their constituency on the premise of "Your time is a comin'"... I feel bad for the toothless bastards because YOUR TIME IS NOT EVER GOING TO COME!.
I touched on the fact that the Southern states are none to healthy... And which states were the most ardent opponents of the Affordable Health Care Act? It was not the North, East, or West...
"A Country Boy Can Survive"
Country music sucks. Humble opinion. This song is a shining example. No one is asking you not to survive... Well, I have not asked... yet. This self imposed self persecution is so "hapless victim"... The city types in the city are not your type of people... Well, stay the fuck out of the cities then. Everyone wins. You drive too slow anyway, you dumb shit.
The Stars N' Bars!
I do not get holding onto a symbol of losing. Sadly, I would equate it to the Nazi swastika flag, but a lot of the assclowns who sport the Confederate flag also have the Nazi one. Both LOSERS!
If I see a bumper sticker, window decal, tattoo, or any representation of the Confederate flag, I deduct anywhere from 50 to 100 IQ points from the owner. The point deduction scale is based on size. The fact that some state flags still have this reminder of absolute and epic fail is a travesty.
The Civil War was the dumbest era in American history. PERIOD. George W. Bush Jr.'s "Presidency" is second only because his body count was lower.
NASCAR
NASCAR gets laughed at by other people who enjoy REAL racing... You know this right? The die hard NASCAR fans will counter with "Largest growing sport!!!" or "It takes skill and endurance!"...
Most other driving sport's fans can counter with the death nail to the argument, "Our drivers can turn left AND right!" Done.
I have and never will watch a NASCAR event from start to finish... I would rather watch snails have sex.
A Confederacy.... of Dunces.
You never hear of a "Confederacy of Smart Bastards!" No... you get a bunch of idiots together and you get the encapsulating title, and it is so appropriate. Rednecks will vote against their best interests, scoff at healthcare while being the most unhealthy, claim to be hospitable and yet are the most segregated, furthest behind in educational categories and most proud of college... sports, some live in squalor and can not stop spawning...
This has led me to the scary thought... The stupid people breed like vermin... I like to think of myself as a somewhat smart type person, and I decided not to have kids for purely selfish reasons. The stupid will overtake the population... One, we'll just call him "W", already got elected president.
So, hopefully the title of this diatribe is more understood... and desired.
NOTE: This is not an attack on all Southern people... Some of the most endearing, sincere, welcoming people I have met in my travels were from the South. Southern hospitality is a beautiful thing. Redneckitis is not geographically based or contained... It can strike anywhere. Anytime. Your neighbors... Your friends... YOUR KIDS!!!
Sweet dreams, 'Murica
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This blog NOT brought to you by George Strait, Garth Brooks, Brooks & Dunn, Tim McGraw, Dolly Parton, Luke Bryan - OR ANY OTHER TWO FIRST NAME BASTARDS!, George Jones, Merle Haggard, Alabama, Conway Twitty, Charlie Pride or Rich, and was most definitely not brought to you by Hank Williams - Any Roman Numeral.
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