Marnie

Monday, I learned that a friend committed suicide on Sunday.

I don't know the details. I don't really want to know the details.

I am hurt.

I am sad.

I am confused.

I am angry.

All of that is selfish. I am focused on how that action has affected me and my life. It has forced me to confront death in a manner that I was not expecting nor wanting to. I had a supremely excellent five day weekend that was usurped by the news on Monday.

As selfish as all that is... It is not as selfish as the act committed by her.

We dated for a moment a couple of years ago. She was insanely beautiful. Physically... Just "dayum". Then you added in her literally pure soul. She was coming out of a divorce and was crazy. I am not saying anything out of turn, or "crazy" in a derogatory way, but she was hurting.

However. Comma. She was love. She loved everyone. She gave bear hugs that would hurt. She snorted when she laughed. She talked to my dog more than she did me one night.

I know that I have a way with words, and I could have "entertained" (aka manipulated) something more with her. I did not want to take advantage of her, and told her, point blank, that she needed help. She agreed and sought some. To my knowledge it was something that she continued and it provided her with some much needed guidance.

FUCK...  I get this wave of anger... mostly at her... but then it redirects, "Well, ShitStick, when was the last time you reached out to her????" I look back and discover on Facebook, it was last October. I am almost positive there was some communication over the holidays via text... But I still feel like a fucking asshole and I get mad at me.

I then realize that is not being fair to myself.

As formidable I may consider myself to be, I ain't shit... Don't even register next to someone's own personal hell and pantheon of inner demons.

The confusion is trying to rationalize something like believing the world would be better off without me... I just can't... Egotistical as that sounds... There is a semblance of truth behind it.

At my lowest point, freshly divorced (for the first time!) and drinking daily and excessively... mostly out of hate for myself... Not once did I ever think about ending it all... No... it took my second marriage to bring those thoughts about.

The thought of having over 1600 friends on Facebook, like Marnie did,  is alien to me. I think at my highest, I hit 150, maybe? But that was Marnie. She never met a stranger. She cared about everybody. Ev. Er. Ree. Bod. Ee. The sadness I feel as I witness post after post appear in my feed, comes from this hurricane, this fucking onslaught of emotion... People saying goodbye to someone they love and made their lives brighter. Fuck... that hurt to write...

I feel for her family and the ones closest to her. I can not fathom the overriding "FUCKING WHY FUCKING WHY? WHY? ANSWER ME!" that is inevitable.

There are moments, weekly, that I think about the horrors of the world. I have to catch and stop myself or I will be crushed under the weight of it. It is why I "rant and rave" in this here blog. It may or may not be a contributing factor in my continuing love affair with one Jack Daniels.

If I were as kind, as loving, as caring, as soft, as gentle, as whatever the absolute opposite of "mean-spirited" is, as giving, as fucking beautiful as Marnie... Well... This world just might beat me too.

_______________________

I don't care if you know me. I don't care if we are the bestest buds in the world. Know that someone out there is rooting for you. They want the best for you. If that still is not enough, please call 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone. Please.

This blog is selfish. Kind of a rehash a FB post from last night...I am the first to admit that, but fuck it. I wrote this to get this shit out of my head. To catch a glimpse of understanding. To cry. To maybe help someone.

I will be okay, I have no other option. I am upset (unhappy, disappointed, worried)... I just wish my friend the peace she could not find in this world.

Maybe in the next one, Marnie. I will see you later.

She loved George Harrison and Stevie Ray Vaughn,

d

This blog was brought to you by "What Is Life?", "My Sweet Lord", "Got My Mind Set On You", "Give Me Love", "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", "The Sky Is Crying", "Cold Shot", "Couldn't Stand The Weather", and "Little Wing".