Marnie

Monday, I learned that a friend committed suicide on Sunday.

I don't know the details. I don't really want to know the details.

I am hurt.

I am sad.

I am confused.

I am angry.

All of that is selfish. I am focused on how that action has affected me and my life. It has forced me to confront death in a manner that I was not expecting nor wanting to. I had a supremely excellent five day weekend that was usurped by the news on Monday.

As selfish as all that is... It is not as selfish as the act committed by her.

We dated for a moment a couple of years ago. She was insanely beautiful. Physically... Just "dayum". Then you added in her literally pure soul. She was coming out of a divorce and was crazy. I am not saying anything out of turn, or "crazy" in a derogatory way, but she was hurting.

However. Comma. She was love. She loved everyone. She gave bear hugs that would hurt. She snorted when she laughed. She talked to my dog more than she did me one night.

I know that I have a way with words, and I could have "entertained" (aka manipulated) something more with her. I did not want to take advantage of her, and told her, point blank, that she needed help. She agreed and sought some. To my knowledge it was something that she continued and it provided her with some much needed guidance.

FUCK...  I get this wave of anger... mostly at her... but then it redirects, "Well, ShitStick, when was the last time you reached out to her????" I look back and discover on Facebook, it was last October. I am almost positive there was some communication over the holidays via text... But I still feel like a fucking asshole and I get mad at me.

I then realize that is not being fair to myself.

As formidable I may consider myself to be, I ain't shit... Don't even register next to someone's own personal hell and pantheon of inner demons.

The confusion is trying to rationalize something like believing the world would be better off without me... I just can't... Egotistical as that sounds... There is a semblance of truth behind it.

At my lowest point, freshly divorced (for the first time!) and drinking daily and excessively... mostly out of hate for myself... Not once did I ever think about ending it all... No... it took my second marriage to bring those thoughts about.

The thought of having over 1600 friends on Facebook, like Marnie did,  is alien to me. I think at my highest, I hit 150, maybe? But that was Marnie. She never met a stranger. She cared about everybody. Ev. Er. Ree. Bod. Ee. The sadness I feel as I witness post after post appear in my feed, comes from this hurricane, this fucking onslaught of emotion... People saying goodbye to someone they love and made their lives brighter. Fuck... that hurt to write...

I feel for her family and the ones closest to her. I can not fathom the overriding "FUCKING WHY FUCKING WHY? WHY? ANSWER ME!" that is inevitable.

There are moments, weekly, that I think about the horrors of the world. I have to catch and stop myself or I will be crushed under the weight of it. It is why I "rant and rave" in this here blog. It may or may not be a contributing factor in my continuing love affair with one Jack Daniels.

If I were as kind, as loving, as caring, as soft, as gentle, as whatever the absolute opposite of "mean-spirited" is, as giving, as fucking beautiful as Marnie... Well... This world just might beat me too.

_______________________

I don't care if you know me. I don't care if we are the bestest buds in the world. Know that someone out there is rooting for you. They want the best for you. If that still is not enough, please call 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone. Please.

This blog is selfish. Kind of a rehash a FB post from last night...I am the first to admit that, but fuck it. I wrote this to get this shit out of my head. To catch a glimpse of understanding. To cry. To maybe help someone.

I will be okay, I have no other option. I am upset (unhappy, disappointed, worried)... I just wish my friend the peace she could not find in this world.

Maybe in the next one, Marnie. I will see you later.

She loved George Harrison and Stevie Ray Vaughn,

d

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The Hokey Pokey?

Sometimes topics for this thing come readily and easily... I have an idea, usually around Wednesday and it percolates and takes form. By Sunday evening, I have done my weekend chores and put in my required gym time and am ready to focus.

This week did NOT lend itself to plotting. I was in training all week. Not being trained myself, but rather to answer questions if they arose. About three or four such queries did happen. It was NOT week long training either... Rather three, day and a half iterations of the same training... By Wednesday, I understood, really understood, why animals will gnaw off a leg to escape a hunter's trap.

Throw on the fact my damn dog seeming to regress in health a bit... She is doing all right now, must have been the psychotic weather we are having as of late... Still, emotionally and mentally taxing...

Anyways, this morning, 5:45ish, as I lie in bed, an outline formulated... Not fully congealed, so apologies if it comes across as half-cocked... "Rambling" has been intimated to me on an occasion...

I am not a serial dater (I know "playa" is legit to use, but I don't "play", I "date"... would that make me a "data"?). If I see and like someone, I tend to focus solely on that person. Not obsess... but see where it goes...

I decided to avoid relationship discussions in this blog thingy. They last time I mentioned a person, wanting to see where it went, and the like... it ended. Abruptly. No animosity involved... People make choices. They have to live with them. Their loss. "Next".

It got me to thinking that maybe the blog was a curse... If mentioned in these diatribes of lunacy, does that count as an incantation for "relationship dissolution"?

The peril in writing about an infant relationship here is that they will know who I am talking about. There is little mystery, if any at all. The person I am writing about in this very blog is gonna know I am writing about her. With that in mind, and AGAIN, with zero animosity, I can talk about the latest dating failure... Well... dating "learning experience". As Joe Friday stated... "Just the facts, Ma'am."

I knew of this person about three years ago from a dating site. There was communication, desire to meet, but nothing manifested. We remained Facebook "friends" and Words With Friends adversaries... They got married so I gracefully faded into obscurity... Then I see them pop up on the same dating site... "What the hell ya doing back here?"

We begin talking, and we finally met. Pictures are neat and all, but this woman was hot. Surface of the sun hot. My alarm bells automatically were going off, "She is hot enough to make you compromise just about every stance you have."

"Why, YES, I am a Born Again Evangelical, Republican, Gun Loving, Movie hating, Vegan if it means I can see you naked."

There was chemistry. Undoubtedly. Was palpable.

I learned that she was coming out of a divorce. Two or three months FRESH out of said divorce. I learned that it was not the best of situations. My own experiences with divorce, I know that you can never say one size fits all. Every situation is unique.

By the end of the first week, a stray, flippant, "love you" would pop up in a text. A "we should get married" text was shocking, but laughed off. Noted... Filed away... Flagged.... but laughed off. Then the "I LOVE YOU"'s started showing with more frequency.

I never responded in kind. I would comeback with an "Awwww", or "I can't blame you." It made me think back to the last real relationship I was in. They were uncomprehending of how I "could be so sure." of my feelings for them... Now I knew how they felt...

We did discuss the reservations I had about the texts. I never minced words about my wondering about the validity of her claims of her affection towards me. I made it clear that while I knew she wanted to love me, and wanted to be loved in return, I simply did not know if she was not just rebounding.

These discussion took place in varying states of undress... Which did not help the situation. And yes, I just wanted to get that out there. Good times!!!

There were some other differences, nothing that could not be overcome or settled OVER TIME. I would have no problem being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with her. To repeat... I am not a serial data. I was not actively searching other people while I was with her. I don't think that is fair to a relationship. A relationship in the early stages is very fragile... like a lamp from France.

Eventually, it was my lack of being able to reciprocate her level of devotion that led to the cessation of communication. I tried to let her know that someday, I might be able to... Just not two weeks into a thing. If a person is drowning, you have to be careful trying to save them... They might pull you under as well... She was the type to almost drown, get to the shore, say thanks, and dive right back in the dark, turbulent waters...

She was very "Hippie". In touch with nature, loves animals, and loves, Loves, LOVES, love. Offset by an almost crippling social shyness... It was a weird dichotomy. I sincerely was, and still am, in awe of, and worried over, her ability to love and not let cynicism override her heart.

Hippies, of course, are a fan of "Free Love". Which brings me to the damn point...

Your Love Should NOT Be Free, It Should Cost.

Prostitution? No... If you give your love to everyone, how will the special one in your life know they are the special one in your life? Your love, for that one special person, should have value. Merit. Mean.

_________________________________

While I know I have walls around my heart, and high though they may be... The climb is worth it. HOWEVER, COMMA... To all would be prospects.... Try knocking on the damn door. Save yourself a climb.

And really, that's what it's all about,

d

Yes, Mom... I made this blog "f*ck" free... Xmas came early!!!

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