It got me thinking about walls. Most of us have them. Self preservation makes them a must.
I can only intelligently speak to my own defenses. Some have called my walls insurmountable. A few wise ones, have noticed that while they may have gotten through the outside barrier, there are more barriers. oooh... Then there are more barriers. After that? You guessed it!!! More barriers. The rarefied few who make it past those, may glimpse something at the center. A core. A hardened, impenetrable, barrier that two people have ever been privy to.
One who made it in, pretty much laid my heart to waste, and led to stronger security. She was the second AND LAST one in. The first was allowed entry due to the fact I had not been betrayed yet and the construction of my walls had not even begun. Their absence probably caused the cornerstone to be laid.
My wall consists of antisocial behavior, consumption of alcohol, scathing wit and sarcasm, contempt for 99.9999999% of the population, and a pinch of "being an asshole" thrown in for good measure. Reminder... A wall is reactionary. (I will also state that my wall's exterior has signs pointing to an entrance. Feel free to knock.)
This is why walls are erected. Hurt. Betrayal. Love and friends lost.
People's walls grow as they get older. Everyone's set of walls have their own particular height and characteristics. My Mom's walls are not high. I would be hard pressed to say she has them. HOWEVER... She does have the power to call forth a barrier of coldness that if even approached will make your lips go blue. I have only seen it enacted when dealing with one person.
To live a life, where only ONE person is cast away, exiled from your walls... I can't imagine. I probably shun, either on purpose or inadvertently, five people daily. It's good to have goals.
The walls we build are critical for one's sense of security. Some may call it "hiding", and there is more than a ring of truth to that.
Back to the castle analogy. You meet someone. They are the invading army. You send out an expeditionary force to meet them on the field of battle... this is also known as "dating". When dating, you don't spill all your craziness on the first meeting... maybe on the sixth... "I like sitting in a kiddie pool of lime jello during full moons." See... Not really a first date convo...
If you are on a date, and you pretty much are convinced that your crazy and their crazy just ain't gonna gel together like gelatin and warm water... You pull your forces back within the safety of your walls.
Try envisioning the walls as a brick mural. Each brick, each stone, is a story. A reminder. A lesson to be learned from. The mortar could be blood. It could be sweat. It could be the strongest adhesive of an emotional wall... tears. Some of those stories may be comprised of many, many stones.
Understanding the construction of your walls just might be the best chance of limiting their height. If you meet someone, and realize that they are a carbon copy of your ex, your instinct may be to increase the height of your defenses. Another option is to revisit the original section of the wall... Reinforce the lessons learned during the initial construction.
Studies have shown that in the initial stages of a relationship, the chemical reactions in the brain are similar to that of heroin. I am beginning to think that it's more akin Nitroglycerin.
Just blowing holes in your walls. Allowing them into your most vulnerable areas.
You are defenseless. You are a smiling idiot as you allow this invading force access...
Hoping they... Praying they just don't hurt you.
When they do... They may have obliterated the memory of original transgression, where you were supposed to have learned your lesson from. So... you build the walls back. Stronger. Higher.
Yes... I just compared love to a supremely dangerous and unstable chemical. I just wonder how many of you, oh avid readers, just nodded and or winced.
The Great Wall of China is fantastic against Mongols. It is the absolute #1 Mongol Repelling Wall in all of the world.
It couldn't stop a rat to save it's life. Seriously... Rats would go out, get diseased from the rotting corpses of Mongols and their horses, then come right back through the wall infecting people on the protected side.
No matter how high. No matter how formidable. There is always a way through.
Could be a smile.
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You don't have to scale a wall if you are invited in.
I state my agenda up front. I do not have a hidden one. I do not seek to loot or plunder. I do not seek to judge. I want to know the stories behind the walls. I want to get to know the person before they were dumped on by life and walls built up. I want to know the crazy thoughts. I want to know if it has to be lime jello?
If, for whatever reason, I am asked to leave... I do so. Over the years, I have learned that if you ever cared for that person, upon exiting, do not cause any damage on your exit. No matter how hurt you may be, just don't do it. You will regret it. Some words you can't take back.
Maybe a penance in whatever afterlife is that you are forced to walk forever, chained to all the stones YOU made people set in THEIR walls. It isn't the weight of the hurt you caused, more the weight of all the love you kept from happening by making someone's wall a little higher.
Hey you,
d
This blog brought to you by a Pink Floyd album... Do you need three guesses? I didn't think so.
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