Hemingway, or "What's In A Name?"

Ernie once said, "Write drunk, edit sober."

Giving that a whirl.

First and foremost, I am not "drunk". Would I like to operate a motor vehicle at the moment? Not really... So... Here I am... On a Sat. night, with an empty bottle of mead... Eyeballin' the Jack Daniels...

Anywhoozle... I was scrolling through the ol' Facebook, wasting time until I can go to sleep. Which, in and of itself, makes me start to want to kick my own ass. It is Saturday. I should do something. Be out until the wee hours of the morning, raising Hell. I have no one to answer to... No commitments... Aaaaaaand no desire to waste money. So, here I am.

I succumb to the click-bait of a 12 year old contestant on a talent show. One of the plethora that television is inundated with these days.

I suffer through the cheese reel preceding the performance. She starts to sing. The timidity in her voice, coupled with her accented delivery... Quite intriguing. Then there are the lyrics. THEY are responsible for the lump in the throat. They are the perpetrator of my teary eyes.

I don't know my name.

I don't play by the rules of the game.

So you said I'm just trying.

Just trying.

Fuck. I remember being that age. The one thing that resonates from that age is the unrelenting uncertainty. It is the crucible time... Where YOU... THE YOU THAT YOU WILL BE... is thrust into a furnace of hormones, NAY - RAGING hormones, growth - both physically and emotionally, experiences undreamt of (autocorrect says that should be 'undreamed', but 'undreamt' sounds fucking better!), and trials and tribulations that are yours and YOURS ALONE! They are what make you YOU.

At that age, the "rules of the game" are introduced... Subject to change - from moment to moment... Your head is a fucking jumble of 1) What you are supposed to know, 2) What you THINK you know (which is estimated waaaaaaaaaay high), and 3) What you WANT to know. 

A friend's father, one Jack Thomas, once told me and his offspring, "I wish I could buy you for what you are worth... And sell you for what you THINK you are worth. You two think you are hot shit on a silver platter, and you ain't nothing but cold snot on a paper plate."

Father of the Year, he wasn't. But he did have a point.

That last two lines of the lyrics... Just trying... For fuck's sake... "Just trying" never stops. Yes, as an alpha geek, I understand and do my best to adhere to the Yoda-ism, "Do or Do Not, There is No Try." However, I ain't no Jedi.

Hopefully as you get older, sometimes wiser, you see a shift in the whole "trying vs. doing". You learn and grow... But as a youngling... There is a whole mess of "trying" going on.

The next lyrics of note from this TWELVE YEAR OLD...

I am lost.

Trying to get found.

In an ocean of people.

Please don't ask me any questions.

There won't be a valid answer.

Fuck. When you were twelve or thirteen, if you never felt lost... Well, bully for you. You are the exception. "What's my place?" "What am I supposed to be?" "WHO am I supposed to be?" Fun fact... That sorta "un-anchored" feeling... It rears up now and again.  

She fucking nails it with the last two lines. Go ahead... ask away...

My 7th grade guidance counselor asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My reply, of course, was "Viking." She then asked what my parents thought of my desired vocation. I told her, "They are aliens, so... They are not concerned."

When I was at that so impressionable age, pop culture kinda had a "It Get's Better" movement for kids, gay and straight.

What we had was Happy Harry Hard On...

If you watched to the end of the clip, kudos... One of the better messages from the movie was towards the end... (After Samantha Mathis, in her prime, gets topless)... And I quoteth...

"But just remember one thing, it can't get any worse, it can only get better. I mean High School is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks! But that's the point, surviving it is the whole point! Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there." - HHH.

And that leads me to the last lyrics from one Grace VanderWaal, from the song "I Don't Know My Name".

I now know my name.

I don't play by the rules of the game.

So you said I'm not trying.

But I'm trying.

To find my way.

Jeeeeeez this kid's got some insight. NIAGRA FUCKING FALLS in this joint! 

I think it was in my seventeenth circuit around our star that I REALLY introduced myself to someone... and meant it. It was in a hallway on the second story of the B-1 Bomber simulator building on McConnell AFB, Wichita KS.

I was visiting my Dad. He had to run some paper work upstairs. I followed and waited in the hallway. A Captain, if memory serves, came out of the door Dad just entered and saw little ol' me. Back from my graduation tour of California. Sporting a mohawk mullet configuration... cut up denim shorts... and tank top, representing the "Viper" roller coaster from Six Flags Magic Mountain.

He justifiably wanted to know "Who the hell are you?"

I remember KNOWING the answer as I stuck out my hand and introduced myself.

I knew my name.

______________________________

Again, the last two lines... They are universal. We are all just trying to find our way. The world is rife with people doing just that. The problems usually arise when you to find someone else's way for them, or they try to tell you yours.

I know the power in a name. And yes, there is power in a name. The power can be a form of control... Ancient priests believed if you knew a demon's TRUE name upon summoning, you could control said beast from the Abyss, and make it answer your questions, and do your bidding.

If you do NOT believe in the power of a name... Close your eyes... Will make this next part difficult to read, but you GET THE POINT... Do you remember that person you saw in passing, but never got to talk to, that just knocked you for a loop and stole your very breath? It could have been for the briefest of moments from your youth... But the vision of them... That moment, that glimpse, is so very seared... So...  fucking part of you... Envision THAT person for me...

Now... wouldn't you like to know their name?

Talk hard,

d

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(Forgot the 'Edit Sober' part! Cheers!)