This week did NOT lend itself to plotting. I was in training all week. Not being trained myself, but rather to answer questions if they arose. About three or four such queries did happen. It was NOT week long training either... Rather three, day and a half iterations of the same training... By Wednesday, I understood, really understood, why animals will gnaw off a leg to escape a hunter's trap.
Throw on the fact my damn dog seeming to regress in health a bit... She is doing all right now, must have been the psychotic weather we are having as of late... Still, emotionally and mentally taxing...
Anyways, this morning, 5:45ish, as I lie in bed, an outline formulated... Not fully congealed, so apologies if it comes across as half-cocked... "Rambling" has been intimated to me on an occasion...
I am not a serial dater (I know "playa" is legit to use, but I don't "play", I "date"... would that make me a "data"?). If I see and like someone, I tend to focus solely on that person. Not obsess... but see where it goes...
I decided to avoid relationship discussions in this blog thingy. They last time I mentioned a person, wanting to see where it went, and the like... it ended. Abruptly. No animosity involved... People make choices. They have to live with them. Their loss. "Next".
It got me to thinking that maybe the blog was a curse... If mentioned in these diatribes of lunacy, does that count as an incantation for "relationship dissolution"?
The peril in writing about an infant relationship here is that they will know who I am talking about. There is little mystery, if any at all. The person I am writing about in this very blog is gonna know I am writing about her. With that in mind, and AGAIN, with zero animosity, I can talk about the latest dating failure... Well... dating "learning experience". As Joe Friday stated... "Just the facts, Ma'am."
I knew of this person about three years ago from a dating site. There was communication, desire to meet, but nothing manifested. We remained Facebook "friends" and Words With Friends adversaries... They got married so I gracefully faded into obscurity... Then I see them pop up on the same dating site... "What the hell ya doing back here?"
We begin talking, and we finally met. Pictures are neat and all, but this woman was hot. Surface of the sun hot. My alarm bells automatically were going off, "She is hot enough to make you compromise just about every stance you have."
"Why, YES, I am a Born Again Evangelical, Republican, Gun Loving, Movie hating, Vegan if it means I can see you naked."
There was chemistry. Undoubtedly. Was palpable.
I learned that she was coming out of a divorce. Two or three months FRESH out of said divorce. I learned that it was not the best of situations. My own experiences with divorce, I know that you can never say one size fits all. Every situation is unique.
By the end of the first week, a stray, flippant, "love you" would pop up in a text. A "we should get married" text was shocking, but laughed off. Noted... Filed away... Flagged.... but laughed off. Then the "I LOVE YOU"'s started showing with more frequency.
I never responded in kind. I would comeback with an "Awwww", or "I can't blame you." It made me think back to the last real relationship I was in. They were uncomprehending of how I "could be so sure." of my feelings for them... Now I knew how they felt...
We did discuss the reservations I had about the texts. I never minced words about my wondering about the validity of her claims of her affection towards me. I made it clear that while I knew she wanted to love me, and wanted to be loved in return, I simply did not know if she was not just rebounding.
These discussion took place in varying states of undress... Which did not help the situation. And yes, I just wanted to get that out there. Good times!!!
There were some other differences, nothing that could not be overcome or settled OVER TIME. I would have no problem being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with her. To repeat... I am not a serial data. I was not actively searching other people while I was with her. I don't think that is fair to a relationship. A relationship in the early stages is very fragile... like a lamp from France.
Eventually, it was my lack of being able to reciprocate her level of devotion that led to the cessation of communication. I tried to let her know that someday, I might be able to... Just not two weeks into a thing. If a person is drowning, you have to be careful trying to save them... They might pull you under as well... She was the type to almost drown, get to the shore, say thanks, and dive right back in the dark, turbulent waters...
She was very "Hippie". In touch with nature, loves animals, and loves, Loves, LOVES, love. Offset by an almost crippling social shyness... It was a weird dichotomy. I sincerely was, and still am, in awe of, and worried over, her ability to love and not let cynicism override her heart.
Hippies, of course, are a fan of "Free Love". Which brings me to the damn point...
Your Love Should NOT Be Free, It Should Cost.
Prostitution? No... If you give your love to everyone, how will the special one in your life know they are the special one in your life? Your love, for that one special person, should have value. Merit. Mean.
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While I know I have walls around my heart, and high though they may be... The climb is worth it. HOWEVER, COMMA... To all would be prospects.... Try knocking on the damn door. Save yourself a climb.
And really, that's what it's all about,
d
Yes, Mom... I made this blog "f*ck" free... Xmas came early!!!
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Well written, as always
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