Jingle Bell Rock, Paper, Scissors.

The title song makes absolutely no mention of "Christmas" in it's lyrics.

Which makes it my new favorite Xmas tune!

That is right, ladies, gents, and others... It is the Xmas blog. Little early, but as with everything related to the silly season, I want to get it out of the way and done. This Tuesday, I should be able to complete my holiday shopping. Fin!!!

It is not that I hate "Christmas", I rather hate people at Christmas. They seem to care more. The most important word in the preceeding sentence was "seem". Hence the italics, yo. It is either a case of a person is trying to be nicer, which goes against their nature, so it seems forced and insincere -OR- You are expected to forgive assholes and bitches for being assholes and bitches, because "It's the season." To hell with that noise.

It is not the Atheism that makes me get exasperated with the whole shebang either. I do find the whole Christian aspect to the holiday to be the most laughable fable ever constructed. It has no basis in reality. Did not happen. Theological scholars will tell you that "Hey, Zeus" was born in July... Or September... Or any other month BESIDES December.

December just tested well in the focus groups...

Ghosts of Xmas Past

The decorations were out the day after Thanksgiving. So was the stack of Xmas LPs. The music would be on in the mornings as we woke up... Coming out to see the tree all lit up. The prismatic effects through sleepy, squinting eyes making me understand the appeal of LSD.

I remember the family gatherings in Michigan. The epic snowball fights... The hide and seek games with all the cousins, more than a couple of Uncles and Aunts participating too.

I got my first cassettes and CDs, both on Christmas. One of the cassettes was Slade's "Keep Your Hands Off My Power Supply". The two CDs  were Nirvana's "Nevermind" and Metallica's Black Album. Still have them as they are both staples in a person's musical edification. Well, they should be...

I remember getting "Die Hard" on VHS one merry morning. This marked the beginning of the video collection that I amassed. Quite substantial one, at that. It was when VHS titles became affordable to the masses. THIS is the first nail in the coffin to the video store. To this day, I will do my damnedest to watch "Die Hard" on Xmas... Traditions - It is the glue that we huff and keeps up together!

One of the first pornographic films I ever saw was "Merry XXXMas". Again, thank the VHS boom. I remember never being able to look at an elf and Mrs. Claus the same... "Ya like that, huh???" Ahh, memories. Having a great memory is not without peril.

There was 1993... I was in San Antonio, Texas. Lackland Air Force Base. The Drill Instructor was a swell guy. He would play Elvis' "I'll Be Home For Christmas". I can not make it through that song without tearing up. It slays me more than any other recording. Ever. I will listen to it once a year. Just to make sure I still have that pesky humanity.

Two years later, it got worse. Incirlik AFB, Turkey. Was asked for a divorce about a week earlier. Not a good time. At all. Thankfully, alcohol was very, very cheap.

X2 had some nice family gatherings... An Uncle In Law and I would speak in "Blazing Saddles" quotes. With X3, I was so depressed, it was difficult to see any point to the putting on of a show for all the people we never entertained... "Look, look... We have a tree and the appear happy!" Remember I mentioned the whole "forced and insincere"? Yeah...

Last year, I was told I was loved. In chocolate. "Better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all". Horseshit.

Brief Interlude...

I am having some fun with the tunes below (Have fun guessing)... But it reminded me that almost everyone has that one Christmas song they loathe and makes them want to punch babies...

X3 - Paul McCartney's "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time".
X3's Mom - "Feliz Navidad", by the Mexican dude...
Anyone with a brain - "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer"

For me... There is one recent tune, "Christmas Shoes". I would go off on it... However... Leave it to the professionals... Some language, brace yourself...

Bless you, Patton Oswalt. Bless you.

Ghost of Xmas Presents

As South Park rightly decreed, the true meaning of Christmas: Presents!!! This was after Jesus and Santa duked it out.

Consumerism at it's gluttonous best. I understand it, being a person who hates people and loves things... Though, the reports of Black Friday injuries make me think we are truly deserving of whatever fate is coming...

As far as gift giving, I rock. Not gonna mince words... I rock. I am pretty thankful this year was low in the tally of people to shop for.

Mom and Dad... About it. One other person, but we trade booze... So it is kinda moot. This year is shaping up to be the Sinatra Select Jack Daniels.

Trying out inviso-text.... Mom and Dad, do not mouse over if you don't want to see... I am just wondering if I can get it to work... It will RUIN XMAS IF YOU DO!!!!!

• 7 quart Crock Pot
• Guardians of The Galaxy on Blu
• Three 1000 piece puzzles
• 6 jars of jelly from HEB
• $50 gift card to Half Price Books

That is so cool!

Ghost of Xmas Future

According to the reporters on  Fox "News", there is a war... on Christmas.

Sorry, it is not that Christmas is under attack. It is that people are realizing, "Hey, I am realizing that not everyone believes as I do... WAIT... I AM NOT THE CENTER OF A WARM AND COZY UNIVERSE????" Then, like the scene in "Scanners"... Their head explodes. This is how the pagans will win the war!!!!!!

_________________________________________

When I get told "Merry Christmas", it does not offend me. If I feel that the person is saying it out of rote, it gets a "Right back at ya!". If I get the feeling there is an agenda behind it, as if they are goading me, it makes me think, "Oh you poor deluded sheep." It is usually returned with a warm, cheery smiled, "Praise Hell, Satan."

Now I have a machine gun, Ho Ho Ho,

d


This blog brought to you by Bing Crosby (being racist on Dec. 25th), Andy Williams (repetitive precipitation requests), Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Savatage without vocals), The Carpenters ("Karen, want a sammich? No? You sure? Ok, Darling".), Jimmy Boyd (Discovering that his mother is a cheating whore), Dion (Being polite in his request for someone to return), Beach Boys (Song about a man with a dildo shop), Johnny Mathis (Hanging with Alice, after Dec. 22nd), Cheech & Chong (Classic - They only did one, ya know), Brenda Lee (Imitating an autistic kid around the rotting Fir in the living room), Burl Ives (Mandating what kind of Christmas to have), Tony Orlando (Establishing a time and weather conditions of a sex crime - You will groan.), Donny Hathaway (Last Dec. 25th? Next Dec 25th? Oh...), Bryan Adams (Telling a deer with a nasal condition to imitate Forrest Gump), Spike Jones & His City Slickers (Dental emergency),  Otis Reddnig (Song about a child born on Dec. 25th), Jimmy Durante (The Ice Golem, who endangered all the children... Seriously... That song is about lawlessness! Scope the lyrics...), Ray Conniff (288 hours... which is how long this song seems...), Earth Kitt (Seducing a guy who gets out once a year... and sounding like a materialistic whore...), Beach Boys (Warning about the myth approaching), David Bowie & Bing Crosby (Singing about something that will never happen), Nat King Cole (Frostbite injuries, Inuit clothing, Childhood insomnia, ages recommended: 1 to 92), Hall & Oates (Title), The Kinks (Harrowing assault and mugging recounted for the holidays!), Perry Como (All about appearances... OR... The Day After Halloween at WalMart!), Andy Williams (What if you had a great summer and bringing up "scary ghost stories"??? WTF???), and John & Yoko (I do want it, John).

More inviso-text for the answers... ya cheating bastards!!! (Click and drag the mouse over to reveal)

• "White Christmas"
• "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow"
• "Christmas Eve, Sarajevo"
• "Merry Christmas, Darling"
• "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
• "Please Come Home For Christmas"
• "The Man With All The Toys"
• "Winter Wonderland"
• "Santa & His Old Lady"
• "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
• ""Have A Holly Jolly Christmas"
• "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear", told ya.
• "This Christmas"
• "Run, Rudolph, Run"
• "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"
• "Merry Christmas Baby"
• "Frosty the Snowman"
• "The Twelve Days of Christmas"
• "Santa Baby"
• "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
• "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy"
• "The Christmas Song"
• "Jingle Bell Rock"
• "Father Christmas"
• "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas"
• "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"
• "Happy XMas (War Is Over)"