An Intimate Encounter... TRUE STORY!

I was nervous. My pulse was racing. I knew she was going to be back soon.

The price was already negotiated. Money had exchanged hands. I was not happy about that fact, but there was really no way around it. I was in need of her "services".

The room was small. Private, but small. The bed was small. I was very nervous now. It was going to happen. I needed it to happen. The apprehension was palpable.

When we talked to her before she left, she asked the right questions. She showed the right amount of empathy. She knew that I would rather not be in the situation I was in. There were some genuine smiles and the slightest flirtation. We both were aware of the interaction about to transpire. And again... She was already getting paid... Now it was just time to do the deed.

My mind raced about how I would react. Would I be immediately gratified? Would I be hurt? The questions were spewing forth from a mental Gatling gun. I had to steel my nerves, rein in the queries and  understand that it would be more "something done to me" vs. "me doing something to someone else"... It was inevitable - Agent Smith style! Was not a normal day, that much was assured.

I heard her knock on the door... Wait the appropriate three seconds and then enter. Her "uniform" was the epitome of utilitarian... It could get messy, but I knew the act itself would not take long... The build up had gone on too long...

She was carrying the tools of her trade, her implements of relief... She smiled and told me to undo my pants. I stood, and worried about losing my balance, looking the fool...

"You don't have to take them off, but slide them down...", she said. It was not a request... she commanded it. She was in full command of the action. She was the Mistress of The World at that moment. My resistance was futile. It would be of no use to negotiate any other way what was about to go down.

I slide my jeans down, exposing my flesh.

The next command came without preamble or hesitation.

"Lean over the bed. Place both of  your hands flat on the bed."

I did as I was instructed... Bracing... Breathing...

The next sensation was cold and wet, as she "prepped the area"... It wasn't long now. Mere moments.

I felt her hands touch me... More forceful than gentle, her grip was methodical and well practiced. Yet there was a caring aspect to it... I completely trusted her and what she was about to do...

She asked, yet did not ask, "Are you ready. You will feel this..."

And then she was in...

The act is one I knew I would never completely, 100%, enjoy... I so desperately needed it though... It was as if the act had become vital to my continued existence... It had been too long...

Before I knew it... She was done... She withdrew as gracefully as she had entered... A true and devoted professional... I could feel the lingering effects of her penetration...

I swelled with pride that I did not cry... I did not wince... I did not let her know how much her actions had effected me.

I pulled up my jeans... Thanked her... "Manners maketh the man" and all...

The nurse left, having given me my Cortisone shot...

_________________________________

Last week, on Sunday, when I do my blog, my Bronchitis was raging... I was bed ridden and feeling miserable as shit. It was no bueno.

You fucking perv, (which I love ya for being!)

d

This blog brought to you by Marcy Playground, Metallica, AC/DC, Phil Collins, Queens of The Stone Age, Godsmack, Motley Crue, The Darkness, The Beatles, and the Beastie Boys.

Dammit, Gym

About 3 or 4 years ago, I instituted a regimen to prolong this "living" thing. Not being as young as I once was, I am not out to kill myself and if I miss a day, I am not going to punish myself or feel bad. I am doing this to try and be a little better than I was yesterday.

I do not love going to the gym, but when I find myself saying, "Yes, Pestering Little Girl, ambushing me outside the Kroger, I would like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies!", it is almost a necessary evil. I do find myself enamored with most things evil. Seriously, Tagalongs are fucking heroin from Satan's personal stash.

I am not the foremost expert in gym etiquette, but a few things have made themselves apparent.

Different Gyms, Different People

In my area, there are a plethora gyms to choose from. Well... Let's first get some terminologies straight... There are gyms, fitness centers, and the runner up to "Globo Gym" from "Dodgeball".

I started going to a Bally's back in the day when I was still married. The staff was what one would call "Phantastic"... Meaning if you paid, they were attentive, if you did not, they were phantoms. That did not last long. I do not even remember what the per month fees were. They closed down a couple of years ago.

After losing about 118 lbs in the divorce (that was what she weighed, I think), I joined Lifetime Fitness. This place had everything. Ev. Er. Ree. Theen. Gah. Indoor pool, outdoor pool, two basketball courts, rock climbing wall, racquetball courts, steam rooms - dry and wet - with eucalyptus infused mist, spa, salon, food court with daily menus, free towels, spin cycle room, aerobic/zumba class room, Yoga studio, Day Care Center, and, oh yeah... some weights and stuff...

More like a vast phalanx of cardio machines... A myriad Nautilus contraptions, laid out in a very OCD friendly manner, and the smallest area seemed appropriated for actual free weights.

The place was palatial and the cleanest gym I have ever been too. You never once sniffed and thought, "Hey... reminds me of a High School locker room... Perspiration and desperation.". The staff was seriously very much on top of their game. They were always moving and busy, cleaning, maintaining, and very helpful - especially if you were a female, in your 20's, hot, and not there accompanied by a guy.

The main reason for the cleanliness and amenities, is that the dues at this place were nothing to sneeze at. Eighty bucks or so per month for the "Gold" level of a single person membership does seem a pittance for all that is included... Problem was, I didn't use any of that other shit. I went in, hit the machines I needed to, and tipped right out the door when done.

This was THE fitness center for the neglected housewives of men with LOTS of disposable income. It was a status. It was the Mega Church you go to, in order to network and be seen... You rarely saw a workout ensemble without new color matching expensive sporty shoes.

And for the record... Ladies... If you have a nice ass, and you have the word "Juicy" written across it... I am going to read it... and have an impure thought or twelve.

So, I was commiserating with some co-workers, and one mentioned that the Gold's offered a City Employee Discount. I stopped by to investigate, and the price was a quarter of what I was paying at Lifetime. So, I cancelled Lifetime and joined Gold's, now known as "Impact Fitness". Oooh!

This is a GYM. It has one or two of the niceties of Lifetime, but on a smaller scale. It is a GYM first, fitness boutique second. Again... I know my routines, I know my machines. In and out, like a duck mating.

The staff is very quick to welcome you upon entering, and salute you when on the way out. One lady took the time to know my name... Nice. The trainers look like they served time! Huge.

Some of the people here are some die hard meat heads. Huge biceps and bac-ne (back acne - sign of steroid usage), Also, there seems to always be a concentration of the senior citizens... Old bastards everywhere... A constant, visual reminder that "Shit... I gotta keep doing this or I end up like THAT!"

Okay... Here are some basic rules when at a gym...

Use and Move

Unless there are at least four of the same, IDENTICAL machines, always be thinking, "There is someone waiting to use this machine." I am doing the tried and true 3 sets, 10-15 reps per set on the machines. In between the sets, I rest for about 50 seconds to 1 minute. Each set takes about 20 to 30 seconds...

TIME FOR MATH!!! I am on a machine for about 4, maybe 5, minutes... Call it an even 6 minutes for preparation - Wiping it down with the gym's provided wipes, configuring the machine, and wiping it down when done with that station.

In all the bays of equipment, they have digital clocks... with a second counter. Huge benefit if you are trying to be considerate and not dilly-dally on the station.

Some people are fucking texting "War and Fucking Peace" on their phones between sets. I watched a lady text while sitting her more than ample ass on the squat machine... and while I did the lat pull down station, biceps station, and triceps station... She maybe did a set... That would be, on the outset, of 18 minutes.

Text later. Move heavy shit up n' down now. Mkay, Pumkin?

Couples

Ugh. Just fucking ugh. I understand you are wanting to bond and stuff... But come on... At least set yourselves up to take up different two machines at the same time, versus just both of you gang-banging on one...

She gets done, he has to reconfigure for him... He gets done... She has to reconfigure... Horseshit. Triples the time it would take a considerate person to be done and move on.

And why the fuck would you want to workout with a person you are involved with? I have seen some of the faces I make when working out... I do not someone, with whom sex is on the line, to see said face, unless in the middle of the aforementioned sex.

The couple that lifts together, stays on the machine I FUCKING NEED TO FINISH MY DAMN WORKOUT longer.

If I were to ever be involved with someone who wanted to workout with me, I would tell them... "Here are the machines and order I am going to hit them... Please stay out of my way."

I am not at the gym for social hour. I maybe say five words the entire time I am at the gym, usually consisting of, "Are you done with this?" while pointing to the machine I need to use.

Know your limits

The biggest fun is watching someone do something wrong and them getting hurt because of it. Think "NASCAR". People not knowing what a machine does or how it is used... Good viewing...

In my gym now, there are two rows of about twenty cardio machines a piece. The back row is elliptical machines and Stair Masters. The front row is comprised of treadmills with a path between the rows. The most dangerous part of my cardio workout, is walking past the row of treadmills in front of me.

There is usually some guy, trying to impress a female trainer or other patron, has the incline set to "Fucking Mt. Everest" and the speed set to "Usain Bolt".

I envision me, all happy for having done my workout, walking by and this douche monger slipping and shooting at me like the fleshy cannonball that he is... Bones snap, extremities entangle... and I curse and proceed to let this person know, in no uncertain terms, the status of their impending doom...

Sweat and Aroma

Wipe down the machines when done. Six words. How hard is that? Apparently, quite difficult. It is 9 times out of 10, the old people who are the culprit.

Part of me gets it... "I am old and gonna die soon... I could give a fuck about wiping down the machine." They should have t-shirts made that say that very thing... I will sponsor!

I don't know what aroma the Elderly employ... a mixture of Ben-Gay, Old Spice, and Polydent maybe... but damn is it pungent... I guess to mask "decay" it would have to be.

Another group of people that frequent this gym are of Asian heritage. I am voting Korean, mainly because of the Kimchi.

Kimchi is a cabbage dish. Kimchi is a staple in some ethnic diets.

The reason I know it is Kimchi is because in the USAF, there was a guy who had Kimchi almost everyday.

I was in my mid-20's then so my "tact" and "elocution" were not as honed. My abhorrence to the olfactory offense came out in a less than stellar manner... "I could dig up a dead, maggot infested hooker, who was skull fucked by a syphilitic hobo, with an 'undetermined' rash, and hit a raw sewage line... and that smell would be infinitely more pleasing to my nostrils than that shit you just microwaved."

Also... Kimchi seeps... It exudes from pores... It is sweated out... So, when I walk to the fountain for some hydration and have to pass by the nice group of people on the stationary bikes... The Kimchi Cloud is thick as shit! "I can taste it! I can taste it! I can taste it! I can taste it! BLERG!"

_____________________________________

In the end... It is the same as some many other things... People need to realize that the Universe does not revolve around them.

There are scientific reasons to focus on the reason you are there in the first place. If you wait to long between sets, your heart rate will slow and you will lose some metabolic thingy... Basically your body will go into "cool down" mode.

It is also hazardous to your health because I will be looking at those 16 lb. medicine balls and thinking about pinging one of your thick skull... Unless you are female, in your 20's, hot, not accompanied by a guy, and your ass says "Juicy".

Under my wheels,

d

This blog brought to you by Ministry, Barbara Lewis (Dad kisses Mom), Burden Brothers, Faith No More, Type O Negative, Anthrax, All Stars + Junior Walker, Bad Company, The Police, Dangerous Toys, Robert Plant + Tori Amos, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Paul Simon, The Royal Scots Dragon Guards, Black Sabbath, White Zombie, Tenacious D, Alice In Chains, and Alice Cooper.

No Actual Realities Were Harmed in the Writing of This Blog

Supposedly there is a football game on later, so I should knock this one out... I usually try to hammer out a topic by Wednesday. Thursday and Friday are spent giving some thought. Saturday is polishing and refining the language and flow.

Sunday rolls around and I scrap it and just let this thing pour forth.

I think it was on Thursday I saw a trailer for an indie film called "Creative Control". I was actually doing some work at the time, so I was glancing every so often and mildly giving it attention.

The basic gist is that a company invents some hipster glasses that give the wearer an augmented view of his/her surroundings... Like a "Heads Up Display". You can look at a person and it give you details about them; list of known relatives, last meeting, hobbies, etc.

You could also associate a "virtual skin" over someone. Say, every time you look at your boss, the Hee Haw Jack Ass is replacing their face. Hilarity could very well ensue!

Well, the wonderful main character of the film gets these glasses... He is a stable person by all accounts. Job. Residence. Girlfriend. Friends. The guy's best friend has a girlfriend and our main character has a harmless crush on her. So... what does this guy do... You guessed it... Takes a rendering of his friend's girlfriend and overlays it on HIS girlfriend... So when he looks at his girlfriend, he sees his friend's girlfriend.

Dick move - For a couple of reasons... 1) Just rude... 2) Too easy to get caught. 3) When you eventually DO get caught, you have intruded/trampled on three other people's lives.

The trailers brought forth some questions...

Where does "Virtual Reality", or VR stand now? Where do we stand now? Are we ready for it as a species?

The Technology

When it comes to VR, the next big thing is the Oculus Rift. This is a VR headset and controller combo. Then there is the PrioVR... Which is very much like a motion capture apparatus combined with a VR headset and controller. Then there is the Virtuix Omni, which lets your body take over some of the control...

These are the household options. Consumer level shit. I would be insanely interested in what DARPA has cooked up... What the clandestine operations have used VR for...

One could argue that the since June 18th, 2004, VR has been able to kill. That was the day of the first confirmed deaths by U.S. drone strike. Sitting in an air conditioned trailer in a parking lot in Las Vegas and killing 5-8 people in South Waziristan, some 7689 miles away, is indeed a virtual reality...

So... With one of the biggest technological breakthroughs at our doorstep... What are we doing with in it's fledgling hours??? Sex and violence! As with any new tech... Porn is here to blaze a trail, and this time, without a burning sensation in your crotch.

We, as a species.

There have been deaths from playing online games for too long... It is very troubling, the levels of addiction shown in people playing these games. I spent an night, or four, playing some titles back in the day. I also knew where the fucking pause button was at all times...

Now... These are GAMES we are talking about. Dennis Miller, before he became a GOP ass puppet,

THIS WAS IN 1994!!!!!! Of course, they missed the deadline... And Claudia Schiffer aged kinda well... But you get the point...

If I were able to have a virtual three way with Alessandra Ambrosio and Betty White (DON'T JUDGE ME!!!) - I just might need to have a safety system to limit my time in that world...

Basically... We have no self control... Some do... Some kinda do... Some... Well, let's just say the death toll in the first month would be STAGGERING. The thing is, almost everybody has something that would test those very limits... My Mom might rake virtual leaves til she popped... My Dad would virtually recreate trips he has taken and "virtually" destroy the commuters that have angered him...

What would that kind of competition lead to in a relationship? People already have trouble maintaining relationships in the connected age. I have seen entire dinners with the two parties never looking up from there phones.

Now, throw in a escapism where you are granted god-like authority... No person could compete with that...

Allow me to add another monkey to the wrench... Artificial Intelligence. In Spike Jonze's "Her", Joaquin Phoenix's character falls in love with his souped up Siri. Incorporate that with VR and you have a virtual ENTITY.

What happens when it gets jealous?

Probably the most extensive visions of a world engrossed with a VR was "Ready Player One" by Ernest Cline. Was a fantastic read and the author is about my age, so every cult reference was fully received with glee and a fond mental embrace. You should check it out. Damn good book.

Orrrr... Wait for the movie. Speilberg is attached. Watch it on your Oculus Rift.

_______________________________

I would end this exercise with the following words... If you find yourself having trouble dealing with the reality as it is, those troubles will not go away when you add the word "virtual" to it...

Running twice as fast to stay in the same place,

d

This blog brought to you by Justin Timberlake, Pantera, Aerosmith, Cheap Trick, She Wants Revenge, Lifehouse (ugh), Grand Funk, Foo Fighters, Daft Punk, Santana, Adam Ant, Sublime, The Scorpions, Nirvana, Queens of The Stone Age, Pink Floyd, Rick Derringer, Guns N' Roses, Bloodhound Gang, Wax, Faith No More

Getting Use To Disappointment

Step 1.



See?

d

The Highest Card

So far, this year has been... well... A steaming pile of shit.

First of all, Rickman and Bowie. I left out Lemmy, as he kicked it in 2015... But still... If this is the way 2016 is going to go, it will be a rough year. I am more and more pleased with my decision to buy insurance on my Black Sabbath tickets for the September show. HOLD ON, OZZY!!!!

Secondly, I had a wonderful head cold. I was coughing up stuff with enough substance to give it a name... "And I shall call you 'Lumpy'!" I am finally feeling like my old self again. It was during my "not-going-to-the-gym" and "not-doing-a-damn-thing" that I discovered an old show to binge on. "The West Wing". Solid writing, good cast, fun show. Got me to thinking...

I don't know if you have heard, but there is a presidential election this year. I know... Snuck right up on ya, didn't it?

We had a Mega Jackpot Lott pool at work, and after seeing the "hookers and cocaine" lottery guy, it made me envision holding the big check, with all the zeros, and being asked the question... "What do you plan to do with all that money???"

"Buy political influence. I hear it is a buyers market this year!"

In this election cycle that has gone on forever already... We have 283 days to go. For Xmas this year, I am giving everyone a break from campaign commercials.

The candidates are not set in stone as of yet. There have been umpteen million contenders, but there are four main would be kings. (I do fully realize that with this many players on the board, this early in the game, the finicky nature of the American voter... all is subject to change... )

Dishonorable mentions:

Chris Chirstie - Would be in it, but will be forever stuck on the bridge he had shut down.

Martin O'Malley - Who?

Ben Carson - The "WTF" factor on this guy just kept getting larger and larger and larger.

Marco Rubio - Makes me want to play a game involving a pool. A news article compared him to a computer... Basically, lacking a soul.

Jeb! Bush - There are times that I know that my words will truly never be able to convey the feelings and message as well as someone else could... This is why there is youtube. Here is how I feel about another Bush in the White House...

Hillary "Remember the 90's???" Clinton

The name recognition. The lengthy resume. The legacy... All of that means squat if people can't trust you. The Benghazi Hearings were political theater, designed by the GOP to knock her down in the poles. Mission Accomplished. They bragged about it.

All they have proved is that she did not do anything wrong. Dragged her name through the mud nonetheless. The one shining light from all that nonsense... When the accusers started screaming that "She was in charge, it happened on her watch, she is to blame.", and someone said... "So... by that logic... 9/11..." They shut the fuck up pretty damn quickly...

Ted "The Canadian" Cruz

He's fucking Canadian! How is this even a thing? In all reality, he is hated by his own party as much as he is hated by the Democrats. John McCain called him a "wacko bird"... I don't know if in "old bitter bastard" speak that is really, really bad... But it sounds like it...

The hatred of Ted Cruz is not a recent phenomena either... He has been disliked for decades... His college roommate has been pretty vocal in his disdain. This was in COLLEGE... When all you had to do to be accepted was NOT be a dick... He couldn't manage to do in four years... Do you know how long a presidential term is???

Bernie Sanders

I know who I'm voting for.

So far in this election, there are two candidates not fellating billionaires and multi-millionaires. One is Bernie Sanders... The other...

Donald Trump

NOTE: I fear writing this because all the good jokes have been written... Will do my best not to plagiarize... And if I do... it is either subconscious, or too damn good to pass up...

The only reason Trump is not cozy-ing up to billionaires? BECAUSE HE IS ONE!

Funny thing about his "humble" beginnings... He started out with a meager, $1,000,000 gift from his Dad, an even bigger racist... Now, the Donald loves to tout his "business acumen"... He says he is worth about 7 billion... According to some, he would be worth more if he simply invested it and done NOTHING.

While Trump himself has never filed for bankruptcy, FOUR of HIS companies have...

If you look at all his speeches, all his campaign stops, all his television appearances... HE HAS SAID NOTHING! Apologies... Just wanted to draw some attention to the previous sentence. Not a thing... He is a sound bite candidate. There is NO strategy! There is NO plan! There is no SUBSTANCE!

A candidate has to stand for something. I may hate the Republican party, or the sick twisted version it has become, but, dammit... A tried and true Republican stands for limited government with fiscal responsibility... unless it is a social issue, then they must legislate the fuck out of it... Government that hurts Big Money = Bad... Government that legislates THEIR morality = Good.

Donald Trump is beholden to no one but himself. The first question in the first debate... "Would any candidate run as an independent if they did not receive the Republican nomination?" Three guesses who raised their hand...

This week he was endorsed by Sarah Palin. She had to take time out of her busy schedule of bailing out her abusive son, taking care of her two bastard grandchildren... or is it three? I know her "Values" preaching daughter has two out of wedlock... She also has that one... Trig... Which is also the name of the class that no one in the Palin household could pass.

Trump supporters have a common trait it seems... They like to be told what is going to happen. They like to led to believe that they will be safe. They are basically subs... Not like a substitute teacher... No, like a submissive (The guy with a leather mask getting whipped by a dominatrix.)

My friend at work likes to quip that "Trump is just saying what everyone is thinking"... I politely correct him.

"He is saying what everyone is feeling. There is not a lot of 'thinking' going on."

_________________________________

In the past two elections, I did end up donating to a candidate... And they won... Both times.

My biggest regret is that they got my email address. I have gotten 16 emails already today from Hillary and the DNC... This is only going to get worse. Fucking politics.

Regardless of who you are voting for, please vote.

I will be doing my best to not go off on this stuff too much for the remainder of the election cycle...

I'm Douglas Denniston, and I approve this message,

d

This blog brought to you by Duane Eddy & His Twangy Guitar, The Brothers Johnson, The Lemonheads, Alice In Chains, The Knickerbockers, Led Zeppelin, White Zombie, The Cult, Wings, Metallica, Korn, Anthrax, Stevie Wonder, Dr. Frankenfurter, Lords of Acid, Winery Dogs (Check these guys out... FANTASTIC band), The Darkness, America, The Beatles, and Guns N' Roses.

DRAW!

It is a new year. 2016. An election year. Year of an Olympics I believe... I dunno... Don't rightly care about it enough to Google.

Every new year brings a sense of rebirth and a clean slate. Maybe we, as a species can be better. Maybe we can value life above material greed. Maybe we can see that we are all connected and that violence against another, is really violence against yourself.

And then you hear about "Open Carry" being legal in your home state.

In Texas, as of January 1, 2016, a person who has the prior "Concealed Carry Permit" can legally carry their firearm in open view. I have been racking my brain as to the "need" for said legislation. I don't recall there being hundreds of people chanting for the right to open carry. I don't recall any petitions. I heard no outcry from any victims of gun violence pleading for more guns and visible ones, at that.

I did hear and see the online outcry and outrage after the FAIRLY elected President decided that enough was fucking enough. Through "Executive Action" he will institute common sense steps.

Will it stop all mass shootings? No. Will it stop one? Maybe. All I know is that what is in place now AIN'T FUCKING WORKING!

By making you pass a background check for a weapon, how is your 2nd Amendment right infringed, Mr. or Mrs. Well Regulated Militia Member?

Second question... Is there someone, identified as an agent from the United States government, knocking on your door RIGHT FUCKING NOW asking for your guns? Rhetorical question because I already know the damn answer, and it is "NO". So, when you say "Obama is taking our guns.", you are either a liar or seeing and hearing things. If you are not a liar, maybe someone SHOULD relieve you of your weapons due to you being an insane moron.

I also saw this morning a post that bemoaned that  "Obama wants to usurp 'Doctor/Patient' confidentiality by allowing Dr's to inform police on gun owners."

Um... Where the fuck to begin... 1) If memory serves, a doctor has a responsibility to report if a patient is threatening or planning on doing harm to themselves or others. There are caveats to the Doctor/Patient confidentiality.

2) How would "allowing", not "mandating", doctors to warn the cops of a possibly horrendous situation be a bad thing?

"Hey, I got a patient here... He has 20 AR-15's, 30,000 rounds of ammo, and says that children are actually 'Satan's whores' and they need to be 'cleansed' and he lives next to an elementary school... What was that? Oh... Yes, he has an extremely small penis."

3) Shrinks aside... How would guns even come up with your general practitioner?

"Yeah, Doc... My shoulder has been acting up. It could be the 18 hours a day I spend at the gun range practicing for when the race wars is started when Jesus comes down and reveals himself to the world in the form of a talking General Lee from the 'Dukes of Hazzard'... Why yes, it will sound like Waylon Jennings! Um... Why are you measuring my penis?"

Outcomes

There will be more deaths. Innocent lives lost. Then there will be the Darwinism In Effect lives lost.

And, to go off for a bit... "Good Guy With A Gun"... Well, I won't go off, I will let you watch it perfectly summarized... Best 10:37 I have ever seen on the subject of "Good Guy With A Gun".

This being Texas, and having lived here for the majority of my life (Yes, I vomited inside my mouth a little when I typed that), I can honestly say that some of the worst drivers and traffic can be found in this state.

I have made the trip from Dallas to Austin in 4.5 hours. The last EIGHT FUCKING MILES took 1.5 hours. I am seriously thankful that I was NOT armed.

This leads to the aforementioned Darwinism In Effect lives. Fender benders between vehicle operators who both happened to be armed will not end in the exchange of insurance information, but rather an exchange of bullets. "DRAW!".... Hey... That would make a catchy blog title... On it!

We have too many assclowns who want to be "The Hero"... Played "Call of Duty III" on "Expert Level"... So... They know what they would do! Some of them WANT there to be a situation... These people are the ones who scare me the most. We will just call them "Zimmermans"

Who is in the right if two people licensed to open carry don't like the looks of each other... And they decide that the other one is not supposed to have that weapon... Can two people "Stand Their Ground" and shoot each other? HERE'S HOPING!

What happens when Muslims get the proper paperwork and start open carrying? How wonderful will all the gun toting assholes find it then?

The Cops

Yesterday was "Law Officer Appreciation Day". No thanks... I don't trust cops at all. Last thing I want to do is try to run up and hug one... Well, my being white, I could maybe get away with it... If I weren't, the best case scenario is a nice tazing.

With the open carry coming into effect... And an already pussified cadre of officers... I can see NO good coming of this.

I call them "pussified" because apparently it is open season and a fucking free for all for cops if they "feel in danger of their lives". Well, excuse me all to hell, THAT IS PART OF THE DAMN JOB. If you want to be honored, and revered for your job then stop being a pussy... What bullshit excuse do you get to use when a 13 year old girl won't leave a classroom?

Yeah... This asshole deserves to be appreciated.

Regardless of your stance on cops, you would have to classify them as "on edge", given the current climate. Cops have a tendency to shoot UNARMED peeps these days... The last thing I would want to do is to give them any MORE reason to shoot me.

And Gawd forbid they try a fucking non lethal option... They are aware those exist, right?

The Signs

Businesses wishing to maintain a semblance of sanity, by denying Rambo-Wanna-Be's admittance, must have this sign at all entry points:

There are about 4 or 5 rules... Letter height, contrasting colors... But it makes me feel good to know that sign making companies were getting massive orders for these signs.

I personally would leave a place of business if I saw a person open carrying. If I were grocery shopping, I would leave my cart and exit. If I were eating a meal, I would get up from the table and leave - finishing my Jack N Coke first... I am not wasteful...

I would stop by the manager's office and tell them that I do not feel safe because there is a person with a gun and no badge in their store.

A friend of mine thought it would be very silly for a business owner to place this sign in his establishment. Thinking that it would be an invitation for criminals. My thought was this... It never says that the owner of said business can't be packing...

_____________________________________

I guess it is easily summed up... No one is coming for your guns. There is no infringing going on. We just have a president who is sick and fucking tired of having to console families.

We have a system in place that has failed. "You can't stop the criminals from getting guns." True... So we should just not do anything... That got a lot of Americans killed last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. Let's not take into account that crimes rates across the board have been dropping in recent years. No... That would be damning to the "Protection" and "Self Defense" aspects of firearms.

I know a lot of people have guns for that aspect alone. I can understand it. I will NEVER understand the arsenal mentality. I will NEVER understand the adoration for and glorification of them. Until we can cure that... We will always have a gun problem in this country.

I do find solace in the fact that it will no longer take a large truck to know who is compensating in the Lone Star State.

Instant karma's gonna get you,

d


This blog brought to you by Van Halen, Aerosmith, Alice in Chains, Type O Negative, The Cars, The Toadies, Nirvana, B.B. King, Dethklok, Megadeth, Korn, Doobie Brothers, Whitesnake, The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Beck, and John Lennon and the Plastic Yoko Band.

Shampoo Of The Month Club Subscription, Duh

Greetings, exulted one.

The title of this blog is in direct response to the query posited by the song from the 1980 album, "Christmas in the Stars", "What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (Who Already Owns a Comb)". Of course, a true Alpha Geek, like myself would know the answer to be "Nothing, Wookies celebrate Life Day. It is a call to return to Kashyyyk every three years for all Wookies"... But I digress.

In 5 days, I will embark on a quest, a sojourn of the soul, to see a piece of cinema called "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" with my father. He took me to see the first one back in 78... Well, it was at a drive in, and it was a "pay one price for a car load" deal, so... It was me, and 21 cousins... Remember clowns cars, where clowns keep plopping out? Yeah... something like that.

My history with the Wars starts then. I remember seeing the movie and then seeing plastic representations of the characters in the toy aisle... I did not want them... No... I NEEDED THEM... That one vehicle that was in two frames in Mos Eisley? My life was incomplete until I possessed it.

Did my pillowcase need to have X-Wings on it??? No... But somehow I slept better knowing I had full air support.

The family moved in 1979 from Michigan to Texas. It was a big deal. I was stupid young and everything was new. The first friends I made, guess what we bonded over? You damn right, "Star Wars". Many an afternoon, many a recess, was spent playing Star Wars. Not a video game, no... Actually running around with motorcycle helmets and blankets as capes...

"I am the coolest mother fucker... EVER"

See? (Yes... That is me... 1981... Don't judge!)


When I was old enough to know what money was, but before I knew I did not like sharing my money... I found ten bucks. Mom said "Would you like to go see a movie?"

"Fuck yeah, Mom", replied the 7 year old me! It was probably more along the lines of "Golly gee, that would be swell." It is difficult for me to remember a time when "fuck" was not part of my vocabulary... I refer to that time as "The Something Was Missing Era", and Mom refers to it as "Ages 5-8".

So, the family got in the car, stood IN LINE, to see a film called "The Empire Strikes Back". I believe it was the first time I was introduced to the concept of a "sequel"... This was before aintitcool.com and a dozen other internet sites devoted themselves to giving you every detail about a movie, before it comes out.

Little did I know that my 10 bucks paid for my family (ALL 5 OF US!!!), to see said movie. I learned an important lesson... Money found is to be pocketed.

I remember biking up to Redbird Mall in Duncanville to catch "Return of The Jedi". The place was packed... Everyone was digging it... Han Solo is getting thawed from the carbonite annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd... The film melts.

My first thought was, "Special effects have improved a lot!"

My second thought was, "Fuckity fuck fuck...There is going to be a fucking riot any fucking second and I am going to fucking die." (I had discovered "fuck" by then and was getting every bit of mileage out of it. Making up for lost time!)

Flash forward a couple of decades... 1999. I was married to X2, out of the USAF, and in my career of Web Development. Through the miracle of the interwebs, I knew what was coming down the pike.

I went and saw "The Waterboy", IN THE THEATERS, JUST to see the trailer for "Episode I: The Phantom Menace". I remember the gents at work the next day, asking about it... and me stammering... "a dude... all devil looking had a FUCKING DOUBLE BLADED LIGHTSABER!!!"

I don't remember a lot of hoopla around "Attack of The Clones"... more of a, "Well... I might as well..." type of operation.

Now, "Episode III", I had heard it was going to get dark... I do remember the entire SkillsNET team running out and seeing it together...

Needless to say... I am looking forward to Friday, December 18th, 2015. In a big way. It has been 32 some odd years since I have seen the Millennium Falcon fly... And yes, in the first trailer for Episode VII, when it does show up... I teared up. And I fully represented my greek cred by noticing the new, more square radar array on top... Because as EVERYONE knows, the original radar array was lost when Lando Calrissian was piloting the Falcon into the bowels of second Death Star, NOT to be confused with the first Death Star, destroyed at the Battle of Yavin... Sorry... I get excitable.

___________________________

The original trilogy taught me a metric fuck tonne of life lessons...

Recognizing The Bad Guy: When Darth Vader showed up on the Blockade Runner at 4 minutes and 34 seconds of Epidode IV, there was ZERO FUCKING DOUBT in my 5 year old brain, "That there is the villian."

Love: At some point in your life, you have to respond to someone saying "I love you" with, "I know." And do NOT kiss your brother, even if it is to make a scruffy looking nerf herder jealous.

Dying: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful that you could possibly imagine"

Slave outfits, in the Golden Bikini Arena: Hells. Yes. (And a special shout out to Athena!)

I have often compared my Mom to Yoda. She was a big fan of the little green dude. She would quote him to me in order to make me understand... And it would usually work. And while I appreciated seeing him be a badass in the prequels... Frank Oz gave him SOUL... He was more alive (and a better actor) than 90% of the real people in the prequels...

May the force be with you,

d

This blog brought to you by The Cult, The Beatles, P.O.D., Beck, Stone Temple Pilots, Loverboy, Aerosmith, Marilyn Manson, America, Anthrax, A Perfect Circle, Grunttruck, Vanilla Fudge, Judas Priest, Foo Fighters, and John Williams doing the "Imperial March", BOOYA!