I do not love going to the gym, but when I find myself saying, "Yes, Pestering Little Girl, ambushing me outside the Kroger, I would like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies!", it is almost a necessary evil. I do find myself enamored with most things evil. Seriously, Tagalongs are fucking heroin from Satan's personal stash.
I am not the foremost expert in gym etiquette, but a few things have made themselves apparent.
Different Gyms, Different People
In my area, there are a plethora gyms to choose from. Well... Let's first get some terminologies straight... There are gyms, fitness centers, and the runner up to "Globo Gym" from "Dodgeball".
I started going to a Bally's back in the day when I was still married. The staff was what one would call "Phantastic"... Meaning if you paid, they were attentive, if you did not, they were phantoms. That did not last long. I do not even remember what the per month fees were. They closed down a couple of years ago.
After losing about 118 lbs in the divorce (that was what she weighed, I think), I joined Lifetime Fitness. This place had everything. Ev. Er. Ree. Theen. Gah. Indoor pool, outdoor pool, two basketball courts, rock climbing wall, racquetball courts, steam rooms - dry and wet - with eucalyptus infused mist, spa, salon, food court with daily menus, free towels, spin cycle room, aerobic/zumba class room, Yoga studio, Day Care Center, and, oh yeah... some weights and stuff...
More like a vast phalanx of cardio machines... A myriad Nautilus contraptions, laid out in a very OCD friendly manner, and the smallest area seemed appropriated for actual free weights.
The place was palatial and the cleanest gym I have ever been too. You never once sniffed and thought, "Hey... reminds me of a High School locker room... Perspiration and desperation.". The staff was seriously very much on top of their game. They were always moving and busy, cleaning, maintaining, and very helpful - especially if you were a female, in your 20's, hot, and not there accompanied by a guy.
The main reason for the cleanliness and amenities, is that the dues at this place were nothing to sneeze at. Eighty bucks or so per month for the "Gold" level of a single person membership does seem a pittance for all that is included... Problem was, I didn't use any of that other shit. I went in, hit the machines I needed to, and tipped right out the door when done.
And for the record... Ladies... If you have a nice ass, and you have the word "Juicy" written across it... I am going to read it... and have an impure thought or twelve.
So, I was commiserating with some co-workers, and one mentioned that the Gold's offered a City Employee Discount. I stopped by to investigate, and the price was a quarter of what I was paying at Lifetime. So, I cancelled Lifetime and joined Gold's, now known as "Impact Fitness". Oooh!
This is a GYM. It has one or two of the niceties of Lifetime, but on a smaller scale. It is a GYM first, fitness boutique second. Again... I know my routines, I know my machines. In and out, like a duck mating.
The staff is very quick to welcome you upon entering, and salute you when on the way out. One lady took the time to know my name... Nice. The trainers look like they served time! Huge.
Some of the people here are some die hard meat heads. Huge biceps and bac-ne (back acne - sign of steroid usage), Also, there seems to always be a concentration of the senior citizens... Old bastards everywhere... A constant, visual reminder that "Shit... I gotta keep doing this or I end up like THAT!"
Okay... Here are some basic rules when at a gym...
Use and Move
Unless there are at least four of the same, IDENTICAL machines, always be thinking, "There is someone waiting to use this machine." I am doing the tried and true 3 sets, 10-15 reps per set on the machines. In between the sets, I rest for about 50 seconds to 1 minute. Each set takes about 20 to 30 seconds...
TIME FOR MATH!!! I am on a machine for about 4, maybe 5, minutes... Call it an even 6 minutes for preparation - Wiping it down with the gym's provided wipes, configuring the machine, and wiping it down when done with that station.
In all the bays of equipment, they have digital clocks... with a second counter. Huge benefit if you are trying to be considerate and not dilly-dally on the station.
Some people are fucking texting "War and Fucking Peace" on their phones between sets. I watched a lady text while sitting her more than ample ass on the squat machine... and while I did the lat pull down station, biceps station, and triceps station... She maybe did a set... That would be, on the outset, of 18 minutes.
Text later. Move heavy shit up n' down now. Mkay, Pumkin?
Couples
Ugh. Just fucking ugh. I understand you are wanting to bond and stuff... But come on... At least set yourselves up to take up different two machines at the same time, versus just both of you gang-banging on one...
She gets done, he has to reconfigure for him... He gets done... She has to reconfigure... Horseshit. Triples the time it would take a considerate person to be done and move on.
And why the fuck would you want to workout with a person you are involved with? I have seen some of the faces I make when working out... I do not someone, with whom sex is on the line, to see said face, unless in the middle of the aforementioned sex.
The couple that lifts together, stays on the machine I FUCKING NEED TO FINISH MY DAMN WORKOUT longer.
If I were to ever be involved with someone who wanted to workout with me, I would tell them... "Here are the machines and order I am going to hit them... Please stay out of my way."
I am not at the gym for social hour. I maybe say five words the entire time I am at the gym, usually consisting of, "Are you done with this?" while pointing to the machine I need to use.
The biggest fun is watching someone do something wrong and them getting hurt because of it. Think "NASCAR". People not knowing what a machine does or how it is used... Good viewing...
In my gym now, there are two rows of about twenty cardio machines a piece. The back row is elliptical machines and Stair Masters. The front row is comprised of treadmills with a path between the rows. The most dangerous part of my cardio workout, is walking past the row of treadmills in front of me.
There is usually some guy, trying to impress a female trainer or other patron, has the incline set to "Fucking Mt. Everest" and the speed set to "Usain Bolt".
I envision me, all happy for having done my workout, walking by and this douche monger slipping and shooting at me like the fleshy cannonball that he is... Bones snap, extremities entangle... and I curse and proceed to let this person know, in no uncertain terms, the status of their impending doom...
Sweat and Aroma
Wipe down the machines when done. Six words. How hard is that? Apparently, quite difficult. It is 9 times out of 10, the old people who are the culprit.
Part of me gets it... "I am old and gonna die soon... I could give a fuck about wiping down the machine." They should have t-shirts made that say that very thing... I will sponsor!
I don't know what aroma the Elderly employ... a mixture of Ben-Gay, Old Spice, and Polydent maybe... but damn is it pungent... I guess to mask "decay" it would have to be.
Another group of people that frequent this gym are of Asian heritage. I am voting Korean, mainly because of the Kimchi.
Kimchi is a cabbage dish. Kimchi is a staple in some ethnic diets.
The reason I know it is Kimchi is because in the USAF, there was a guy who had Kimchi almost everyday.
I was in my mid-20's then so my "tact" and "elocution" were not as honed. My abhorrence to the olfactory offense came out in a less than stellar manner... "I could dig up a dead, maggot infested hooker, who was skull fucked by a syphilitic hobo, with an 'undetermined' rash, and hit a raw sewage line... and that smell would be infinitely more pleasing to my nostrils than that shit you just microwaved."
Also... Kimchi seeps... It exudes from pores... It is sweated out... So, when I walk to the fountain for some hydration and have to pass by the nice group of people on the stationary bikes... The Kimchi Cloud is thick as shit! "I can taste it! I can taste it! I can taste it! I can taste it! BLERG!"
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There are scientific reasons to focus on the reason you are there in the first place. If you wait to long between sets, your heart rate will slow and you will lose some metabolic thingy... Basically your body will go into "cool down" mode.
It is also hazardous to your health because I will be looking at those 16 lb. medicine balls and thinking about pinging one of your thick skull... Unless you are female, in your 20's, hot, not accompanied by a guy, and your ass says "Juicy".
Under my wheels,
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