I was out at Scarby with a mutual friend, who has known the bereaved umpteen billion times longer than me. He was visibly shaken. Taken aback. Hell, he poured out his mead because he knew he had to go.
My friend remarked on how his mother counted the departed as one of her closest friends. I think this also compounded the sense of loss. The dawning knowledge that he would probably have to tell his Mom that her friend had passed.
It was a long drive home. My head was awash of thoughts of the final curtain that awaits us all.
When it comes to the topic of death, I speak directly from zero experience. Yes, I did knock on my wooden desktop. I am not good at condolences. I can say the phrase, "I am sorry for your loss." and it be truly sincere. I do not like to see my friends in pain. I am not even a fan of seeing strangers hurting.
I can say that there are three deaths at the moment that will absolutely demolish me. I mean, to the point of, "Dougie has checked out with no return date, press '1' to leave a message."
There are about 10 to 12 deaths that will jack me up and make me take off time from work. I will soldier through the grief, but will need a moment...
The ONE funeral I attended (again with the knocking of wood) was for X2's grandmother. She had battled lung disease and been on oxygen for a good while, and when she finally succumb, it was seen almost as a relief.
An old boss came in on a Monday once, looking just beat. "Jeez, Man... Weekends are supposed to be regenerative, or so I have heard."
"Man, I have an uncle, great guy, been sick for years... Last three Fridays, we get the call, 'Hey, he is not doing so good... You should prolly head out to say your good-byes.'. So... we pack up the truck and my wife, daughter, and I make the three hour drive west. By Saturday, he is on the mend, Sunday, he is wondering what we all are doing hanging around."
"And you feel bad because you are feeling kinda 'teased'?"
"I DO feel like shit for it... but YES!!!."
My Dad told me that at his mother's funeral, people were really trying to say nice things about her. The clergy said something along the lines of "I have never felt closer to Vivian than I do now."
On the long journey home from Scarby last night, I thought about my own parent's mortality. It is not a pleasant thought, but one my Mom has always said, "You don't really have a choice, kid."
Dad was always more... "technical"... "On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero." He told me that shit long before I read it in "Fight Club" (Which is another reason I think you should watch it sometime, Dad).
I don't know the exact plans my folks have. Last they told me, it was cremation. Mom has declared (stone cold sober I tells ya), that the first one to "go" is cremated. The second one, upon not living, will be cremated, and then... Their ashes are to be added to same urn housing their spouses ashes.
Then Moms will get a wicked grin and say, "Every once and a while, shake the urn up... That's us... getting frisky!"
Went from "Awww" to "Ugghhh" real fucking quick.
I was speaking to a friend the other night... About what I had in my will. Mind you this was drawn up before I went to Turkey, so... October of 1995. I was a tad bit less... "conscious of social graces". I was an obnoxious little shit.
It was stipulated that if you wanted to say a few words, you had to do a shot of tequila before being allowed to speak. Putting the "Fun" back in funeral!!!
So, the other night... I had an epiphany... drunken, but still an epiphany... I told my friend, that when I cease to be, I wish to be cremated and my ashes be infused with some silicone or latex or plasticized jelly, and then be molded into a vibrator. Then, after the "curing" process (I don't know?, I have yet to see the documentary on how vibrators are made. "Yet" being the operative word...) the vibrator can be presented to my significant other.
My friend called me "ridiculous"... She was laughing her ass off though.
There are kits available now, to mold an adult toy based on a man's apparatus.
So, if I were to include a provision to do such a thing, I would stipulate in my final will and testament, that I would like my... um... "dimensions" increased by 20%.
Read the title again... It's how I want to be remembered!
_______________________________
Shitty joke aside... I face death just like I face anything else that troubles me and makes me not know how to react.
I make jokes. I got to laugh. Otherwise, the whole ugliness of the world would cripple me. I am getting better at knowing when it will do more good than harm to throw out a joke though.
To my friend who lost his mother, I have no words. I can't speak as to how I feel about it because it would make me do just that. Think about the loss of my Mom. And sorry, man... I can't... and I just don't want to.
I will let someone wiser than me sum it up...
"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealously. The shadow of greed, that is."
However, the guy Yoda said that to, went on to be a colossal dick. But ya get what he was layin' down.
I hope this blog made the topic a little less dark. I hope the next time you hear the words "funeral" or "death", or see a vibrator... You think of this blog and laugh a little bit. You're welcome?
SEND IN THE NUNS,
d
This blog brought to you by The Rolling Stones, The Beta Band, Alan Sivestri, White Zombie, Led Zeppelin, Korn, Dante & Randall, REO Speedwagon, Puddles Pity Party, AC/DC, Presidents Of The United States Of America, Lazlo Bane, and Mel Brooks* ("The Inquisition")
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