So, I began thinking about it... If I didn't live in Texas, where would I like to reside? And the process of elimination started...
Besides Austin, there really is no place in Texas I would like to live... And Austin is getting to the point where it is no longer as cool as it once was... The secret was let out of the bag and it got flooded with people who have made it as uncool as everywhere else in the Low Bar State.
Waxahachie would be second place... only because it would be close to Scarborough Ren. Faire... and I have heard rumor that the city is getting some software that I have spent the last year becoming a bad ass in... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Okay... Next... And we will start East Coast...
Maine: Con: If Stephen King crosses your path, you have 24 hours to kill a clown or you die... Pro: You get to kill a clown!
New Hampshire: I am white. But even I am not that white.
Vermont: While I like "v" words, and maple syrup... I do not like vermouth and this state is too close to that word.
New York: I would never live in New York City, because it would be too much... and I am pretty sure that the one big ass city drives the cost of living for the rest of the state... And I would despise that my car insurance was crazy high because of dumb ass people.
Massachusetts: It would take too long to learn how to spell it... And also, Bahstun? No thanks.
Rhode Island: Climate change and the rising ocean levels will take care of this one.
Pennsylvania: Just by what I have seen at the sporting events... Where people will boo their own mothers, I just can't see me setting up shop there.
New Jersey: There is apparently a vile creature that haunts the State... called a Snooki... Reason enough to steer clear.
Maryland: I have no opinion about Maryland... I have nothing in regards to Maryland. It just doesn't register... Word Association Time... "Maryland"... "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".
Washington D.C.: I would get too angry everyday being that close to politicians. Lewis Black levels...
Delaware:
Nuff Said.
West Virginia: I am not that fond of any place that a direction is in the name...
Virgnia: This state sucks so bad that a part broke off and said "We are doing our own thing..."
North Carolina: I think I went here for a couple of weeks in the USAF... I dunno... Was drinking heavily then. I do remember it being muggy as all hell... so... Pass.
South Carolina: N. Carolina's redneck brother?
Georgia: The most litigious state. Everyone sues everyone... And no one has ever come back from Georgia and said "It was soooo cool there!". All I have ever heard is "Sweat pooled in every crack and crevice I possess and in ones I did not know I possessed."
Florida: Heaven's waiting room... I have been to the state once, on the Gulf side. Stayed on the beach which was nice... But again... It will be underwater sooner rather than later...
Ohio: I do not like college sports... I do not like the NFL... I can VISIT the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame.
Kentucky: 4.4 million people, 12 last names... Do I hear dueling banjos?
Tennessee: Memphis had it's appeal... and that is lost to me now...
Alabama: Some people looked at "Forrest Gump" as a heart warming story... I saw it as a cautionary tale.
Mississippi: I think the state flag has a Rebel Flag in it... Automatic elimination.
Indiana: I have no opinion on Indiana... It neither repulses nor attracts me... Which means it has SECRETS!!!!
Michigan: Having escaped BOTH peninsulas, and now that the government is literally trying to kill it's residents... Michigan would be the last place I would ever return to.
Wisconsin: Summers here last a total of 37 minutes... Need a little more than that...
Minnesota: Ohh dontcha noooo.... Cold weather and people talk funny. If I was gonna live in a place like this, I would just move to Sweden...
Iowa: I think I have an ex wife there... There are not a lot of people there, so the chances of bumping into her are not that astronomical. Why risk it? And as a famous comedian once said, "If you want to get away from it all, and I mean IT. ALL.... Des Moines, Iowa... IT doesn't even know where Des Moines is."
Illinois: Again... I am betting that Chicago's economy drives the prices up of things across the state... I just am not a fan of that noise. And it is too close to Michigan.
Missouri: Been there. Done that. They can keep it. Will have to visit the folks sometime. Got invited out for a beer from an old friend just last night who is also up that way. Visit: Yes. Live: No.
Arkansas: Have you heard how exciting life in Arkansas is? Yeah... Me neither.
Louisiana: Two thirds of the state is a polluted wasteland do to Halliburton and the Koch Brother's tampering and oil and gas operations...
Oklahoma: I have driven through Oklahoma more than I have any other state. I consider that a sign...
Kansas: Part of me would not mind moving back to Kansas, but the state leadership is so completely insane... I mean, Brownback, the governor, is absurdly corrupt and bought off.. Sad... Lot of good people there... Can't vote to save their lives, but good people.
Nebraska: Like Kansas, but without the pizzazz?
South Dakota: Like Nebraska, without the seasons. And flat... Folks lived in Aberdeen... Dad told me once that there was a river about 250 miles away... If it were to flood and crest over 6 inches... they would see water in town... Your concrete PATIO has a steeper grade than that...
North Dakota: I knew a guy in the USAF who was stationed at Minot AFB in North Dakota... He asked, "Have you ever been cold?" and no matter what you answered, he said "That's cute."
Montana: In one week, there was a train derailment... which spilled cargo containers of bleach... An earthquake... and flooding... Total damages: $42.16... Yeah.. .no.
Wyoming: I drove across Wyoming and hit ALL THREE towns in the state... Before I did that, I thought this place was a myth. I have never met anyone from there... Never seen a license plate from there...
Colorado: Given recent legislation... Possible...
New Mexico: I like some moisture in the air...
Arizona: According to the representatives of this state there is nothing but drug cartel killings everywhere... McCain can keep that state.
Utah: Mormons. NEXT!
Nevada: I don't gamble or partake of prostitutes... So... The states two biggest hits are non factors...
Idaho: Never heard anything bad about Idaho. Never heard anything good either... And potatoes are a starch.
California: I just can't afford California... When the Yellowstone Caldera goes, I think it will trigger San Andreas to let most of Cali slide on off into the ocean...
Alaska: Palin. NEXT!
Hawaii: Of course I would live on an island paradise. Are you daft?
Washington: I lived there before, would do so again... After investing in some Gore-tex..
Oregon: Hmmm... I would very much not mind living in Oregon.
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I am sure every state has that one shining jewel of a town... Maybe even Mississippi... That one place that makes the state worth it.
Having driven a lot of miles across this nation, I have seen some amazing sights. Rock formations in Wyoming that make you want to punch that one guy at work who says "The Wurld iz only 3000 yeerz old! Bible sez sew!"
Coming through the canyon pass into Albuquerque at night and the city lights just appearing... Magical.
Storms rolling across the plains of Kansas... I mean, ya got an hour before they show up... but you know they are coming...
I moved around a couple of times as a kid... And some more as an adult... I guess I am getting that wanderlust again...
Beast of burden,
d
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I'm waiting for the San Andreas to grant me beachfront property. Naw, that would mean hundreds of thousands would parrish, I couldn't possibly enjoy it then.
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