You are being born today... Homo Sapiens, Earth, early 21st Century, North America, April 20, 2016, in about 20 minutes or so... Just wanted to give you a head's up on a couple of things... Ya know, prepare you for some stuff...
First...
Breathe. Seriously... This is about all you will be able to handle at this point.
Breathing is so important, older people actually get "Just Breathe" tattooed on their bodies. As a reminder? In case they forget? Silly humans. Never cease to amaze.
You will breathe, nonstop, everyday, until you die, which will be... lemme see... yup... in the future. I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Next thing is probably going to be "nipple"... Enjoy... Everyone enjoys nipples. There is a span of about 13 years or so where they are not a priority, after that... It just becomes a matter of degrees of importance.
Cast of Characters
You are going to enter into some chaos. That "breathing" thing... First ones are going to be really cold. Sorry, but you just spent 9 months, give or take, gestating in a warm womb... The view sucked and you were basically swimming in your own shit and piss... but ya know... They will wash ya off.
The woman that the people in white or blue (doctors and nurses) are going to hand you to, looking ragged and like she just ran a marathon? That is your "Mother", or "Mom". She, at that moment, will love you, unconditionally. You are one of the best things to happen to her...
The gent, that may be in the room at your Mother's side, but has the "Oh, Shit... This just got real!" expression? That will be your "Father" or "Dad".
He too loves you, but he is going to be doing the mental calculations of how much you are going to cost him over the next thirty or so years. He may start crying... Could be happiness... or lament...
Would love to tell you that these two are married. Would love to tell you that they love each other and will either get married or stay together... That would be going against the odds. 51% of all marriages end in divorce.
Also, there is no telling at this point if they are ready for you. There is no guessing their mental state. We may be having this conversation again in a couple of years if Mom decides that you are the root cause all of her problems... No telling... Roll of the dice! Exciting!
Gender
You are either going to be a "male" or "female". I know which, but again, don't want to ruin the surprise.
If you are a "male", then you are going to be fine. Rarely objectified. Treated with much more respect in almost every facet of your life.
"Females" will be objectified pretty much from the start. Hopefully, in your lifetime, you will make the same wage as a man for doing the same work... but I doubt it.
Also, Females will have their bodies go through weird changes. At puberty, a woman starts a monthly cycle, where she has her body chemistry go wonky, then painful cramping and bleeding as she sloughs off an unused egg and uterine lining. Her breasts enlarge, sometimes to a painful degree. Societal norms dictate that she shaves her armpits and legs. Now, if the woman becomes impregnated, the cycle stops. For nine months, just like you did, the embryo grows into an infant human which she then squeezes out painfully. The woman's breast begin to produce milk to feed said infant... Remember the nipple from earlier? Once the woman reaches her mid forties to early fifties, her body goes through ANOTHER metamorphosis. The cycle stops. Hormones get all out of whack.
Males, at puberty, may start shaving.
Race
At this point in human history, race is still a thing. Would be great if people realized that by 2164, the races really start to deteriorate and homogenize, and the Homo Sapiens becomes the actual important part.
Again, I know what race you are going to be... any minute now... But, ya know... "Spoiler Alert"...
If "Caucasian", you will be pretty much golden. Just the way it is. Bank loans get approved at higher percentage. Acceptance into colleges is higher.
If "African-American"... well... You are more likely to be shot by police officers... by 800%. Even unarmed. You also have an 80% higher conviction rate for the same crimes committed by the aforementioned "Caucasians". Just wait til 2020... President Kayne West makes some interesting changes. I have said too much.
If "Latin American", you will face your own hardships. Mostly everyone thinking you have "invaded" and are essentially an "Anchor Baby". You will learn about these imaginary lines on these things called "maps". On one side of the line, you are labelled one thing, on the other side of the line, you are labelled "less than". The "Battle of El Paso" will be right around the time you are old enough to be drafted... Too bad Canada built that wall... You can blame Trump for that one...
If "Asian-American", well... you guys end up winning the whole ball of wax. Congrats.
Education
If you are a resident of the United States of America, you will more than likely attend "Public Schools". By the time, AND IF, you graduate in the year 2034, you will be 18 or so. Never has information been so readily available to everyone... yet the lacking of wisdom been so prevalent.
You will have been taught at the level of the stupidest mother fucker in class. So... Best of luck. Bone up on your Chinese. Just saying.
Here is nugget of wisdom. I will try to make this one stick... You are going to school to be "educated". NO ONE, NO POWER IN THE VERSE CAN STOP YOU FROM LEARNING!
Love
This is actually one of the greatest and cruelest things in the Universe. It will make you feel like you are bursting with "goodness and light" and floating on Cloud 9... and will drag you through the depths of a hellish landscape and rip out your heart.
Love is an undeniable constant... it is an actual thing... It really is neither created or destroyed... More like "tapped into"... Think of it like a stream...If you dive in without checking the depth or strength of the current, you will get swept away... And when you crash, it will hurt like a bitch. Helluva ride, though!
If you stay on the shore, never dipping a toe... You WILL spend your later days wondering "What if..." This is a guarantee.
Right now... Any second now, that is... All you can count on is the love of your mother. And if the Universe is kind, it is the one love you will ALWAYS be able to count on.
The World
Earth... The planet you are being born on, in 2016... It's in bad shape. I would try and hit Disneyworld in Florida before 2050... just saying.
The possibility that you will have respiratory difficulty due to air quality issues increases every year. Also, every year of your life, will be the hottest one on record... Until that one storm... but again... The surprise is worth it!!!! The look on your face will be priceless...
There are people, today... The day of your birth, who still think "Climate Change" is a "hoax". That, or they are debating whether or not it is "man-made". That is like walking into a kitchen and finding a huge turd in the middle of the kitchen.
"Is it man-made or did a dog do this???" (The dog represents "Nature")
"Who gives a fuck??? We have to clean this shit up!"
Oh.... Dogs... You will loooooove them furry bastards... They are pretty awesome... Just watch out for that one dog, two streets over, when you are seven...
You.
The stuff between your imminent birth, and the moment you cease to be is called "Life". It will seem infinite, and then you will not know how long it will last and that will keep you awake at night... Or the thought of what happens at the end of it...
Big mystery... And that is why actually LIVING is important.
Your life will be what you make of it. There will be high points, and low points... Trials and tribulations... Moments of great joy, and moments of great despair.
Here is the thing, though...
Life is unfair. I don't care.
Tough cookie to swallow... I get it...
Ooh... Cookies...
______________________________
All of this doesn't really matter... You are going to have a full memory wipe when oxygen hits your brain. Think of it like wiping a hard drive on a computer. Little safeguard built into you silly, silly humans. Sometimes though... the wipe doesn't take all the way... Some clusters sneak through. You guys call it "deja vu" or "premonitions"... Good times.
Not to worry.., This is not your first time. According to the charts here, this is your... seventh time... Enjoy it as much as you can... Get ready, and head towards the light.
Breathe,
The Universe.*
This song brought to you by Rush, Toadies, The Beatles, Wings, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, Anthrax, The Black Crowes, Men At Work, Van Halen, Guns N' Roses, Foo Fighters, Alice In Chains, Archies, Aerosmith, Joey Ramone, Gerry Rafferty, Green Jelly, and Tenacious D.
*d
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