State of Affairs

I stumbled upon an article this week. It was shared in a forum. The debate that ensued was nothing short of epic. I got to thinking about the core issue... Fidelity. Cheating. Affairs.

Who defines it? How mercurial are the boundaries?

As with most every aspect, of every relationship, the key is communication. The two parties need, nay, HAVE to be on the same page of what constitutes infidelity.

I know a great many people. I know a great many variation on the "Traditional" relationship. I know swingers. I know some in the polyamorous lifestyle. I have been exposed to the epitome, the shining example of happily, married monogamy since February-ish of 1972. Being born in November of 1972, I will leave the math up to you.

So... What is cheating? THAT is, again, open to interpretation... Rather, let's break it out another way...

WHY?

The main reason cheating men will cite for "gettin' some strange"... BIOLOGY! There will be pollination analogies galore. There will be "science" pulled from seemingly out of nowhere.

There is a little truth to that, though. The one argument you can not deny, we are animals. Opposable thumbs, voice box, and access to disposable razors... Thin separation, yo. Out of the billion myriad species roaming the skies, seas, and lands, about six are truly monogamous (and we think 3 of those lied because their mate was in the same room). This is probably due to their life span being measured in minutes... They had to buy her a drink first and listen to all that shit about her cat...

Some women have given in. Thrown in the towel. Accepted the fact that all men cheat*. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." That is usually heard from someone who has been recently cheated on. It may not be true, but it helps to quantify and label things...

X1, before she was "1", found my stash of nudie mags (Analog porn for the youth). Was 19 or 20 years old, still trying to break a record or something and she was still living 45 minutes away... So... "me time" was being exercised. She was in tears and accused me of "cheating".

Porn, and my enjoyment of the erotica, was cheating... I disagreed and stated it was merely a case of "Releasing tension" and a healthy activity in order to keep me from straying in the physical world. All fantasy and what not.

Total bullshit... I like naked women. Been a fan for long, long time. But I did not see it as cheating. She did.

Flash forward two years... Married... A nice winter's day... Snowing, slushy dangerous roads... "Go get a movie"... So, I made the perilous journey into Wichita to get porn for the woman who was it's biggest opponent before. Good times. The main lesson learned here is... Thank the powers that be for the internet.

X3 did all but call "strip clubs" cheating. I think it was body issues on her part, but regardless, she was against it. I explained that the reason a lot of men go is because the women there are essentially therapists. They ask, and ACT interested, in your menial day... For a fee. A beautiful, scantily clad, if clad at all, woman is going to sit on your lap, and be enthralled by every single word you say? Yeah... none too bad for the psyche.

Problems arise when the guy forgets it is a business.

Anyways... Women will cheat for different reasons. They don't really "Cheat" if you listen to the popular music... They "stray". They "wander". I have oft heard that a woman was "driven" to cheat. They were so unfulfilled at home, regulated to titles like "wife", "mother", "meal maker", "chauffeur", "house cleaner", "shopper", and waaaaaay down the list, "lover".

As with a lot of the differences between men and women, it is the emotional aspect that is the overriding factor.

Now, I am not speaking as the authority of all things women. I just know from talking to married women who have cheated. Not with me, mind you, as I will not do that to another man.

My own personal experience was with X1. She cheated on me. I was in Turkey at the time. As a matter of fact, it was when I was flying back from overseas that she did the deed. Many years later, we jokingly did the math. That phrase "We will laugh about this later!" is a truism... Some shit takes about 15 years, though...

She decided to cheat on me for one reason... Call it the "Trump Card". When I left, a guy, who I asked to "keep an eye on her" while I was gone, started taking her out... to clubs... drinks and dancing and all that. Stuff I had truly been neglectful of, in retrospect.

We were young. We should have been out living it up. Instead, I was in the USAF, she worked two, or sometimes three jobs to make ends meet. All our friends were pretty envious of what little we had. A Friday night with a 15-pack of Strohs, tunes, and cards... Nice... BUT... We should have been going out... I realized that when I was on the other side of the globe. Expressed my intent to remedy that when I rotated back to the world.

At Christmas, she asked me for a divorce. In February, she slept with that guy.

The "Trump Card" was for when I came back and was gonna talk her out of divorcing me. She had made up her mind and if she felt herself reversing or doubting the course of action... BOOM... She would throw it down. The proverbial ace up the sleeve... Sadly for her though,  it was the proverbial bun in the oven.

Dude got her pregnant first pop. All that going out and having fun stopped pretty fucking quick. Universe has jokes!

WHY NOT?

There are reasons/justifications TO cheat. Unappreciated at home... Hot chick/dude flirted and offered... Biological wiring...

So why be monogamous?

Again, from my personal experience, because IT FUCKING HURTS OTHERS. End of fucking list.

If you have not expressed or communicated that exclusivity has been established, then by all means, shaboing til it hurts... If you have committed to someone, be faithful. Pretty damn simple.

The lying. The sneaking around. The money. Is it worth it? Ask Kobe Bryant who shelled out something like $18,000,000 dollars for his indiscretion... Just writing 18,000,000 made me wince...

Would it be easier to tell your PARTNER IN LIFE, "Hey... I am feeling unfulfilled"... Granted, not a fun conversation, but better than "Care to explain the lipstick on your dick?" or "Nice hand shaped love-bruise on your ass."

________________________________________________

It seriously hurts. Even before I joined the ranks of the cuckolded, I never cheated. I do not plan on ever cheating.

The closest I came was in 8th Grade. I kissed a girl when I was not really over the girl I broken up with eight hours earlier... Not fair to the kissed girl.

After getting divorced in the USAF, I have a couple of "friends". About four of them... There was much nakedness and touching. No feelings got hurt because each and every one of them understood the parameters of the "Relationship" we were entwined in. There is that "communication" thingy again...

One of my favorite aspects of the sexual arena is this... Exclusivity. I am a comic book geek... I like "limited editions"... Rare chromium covers in small pressings... Do you know what a criteria for a "hyper-exotic-car" is? Rarity. "Only 5 of these in the world!"

When I am kissing a woman, I do not plan on engaging in that activity with any other woman. These lips, her lips... All ours and no one else's. If that were to change, I would let her know. Now, exchange "kissing" with whatever manner of perversion you want... same rules apply. We are "Exclusive". Those jumbly bits... MINE... Well, not mine per se, but I have "Right of First Refusal"...

Some people can spread that around. Some can somehow divide themselves to be with many partners... I can't. I am no better than they are... UNTIL they hurt someone. THEN I am better than they are.

It boils down to - Whatever works for you. A wise man, who contributed 50% of my genetic makeup, told me a long time ago, "If you can't look at yourself in the mirror, you need to stop and think about things." If you can cheat on a person who you supposedly love, kudos to you... Remind me to never trust you with anything remotely near and dear to my heart.

The Black Hole Son,

d

* - Not all men cheat. They just don't get caught. KIDDING!!!

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