A couple weeks ago, the one I neglected my blog, I participated in a little pool at work. Fourteen of my co-workers and I pooled five bucks each. A nice lady volunteered to make the journey to buy the thirty five some odd Power Ball tickets.
I normally eschew such a meaningless activity. HOWEVER, it was $450,000,000. That warranted some attention. It most certainly was worth a Lincoln that I would have used to buy tacos, booze, toothpaste, or some shit.
I jokingly referred to those tickets as "The Retirement Plan". The Boss asked me, "So, you would quit?"
"Hells, Yes. Wouldn't you?"
"I would finish this project we are on... Then maybe...", she replied.
"Boss, you have a level of dedication and a work ethic I hope to never attain. But you know... I prolly would help finish the project... BUT... Upon hearing the winning number, and realizing we one, I would be in the car on the way to Colorado in a minute. I would be all Rocky Mountain high by morning. So... Wouldn't quit... But would advise against drug testing me... I would probably melt the sample cup..."
"Thank you for your honesty, Douglas."
"Least I can do, Boss. I did explore options to see if there was even less I could do... Took all afternoon..."
And to all of those who are asking, "Really?", Yes. I would go to Colorado and get stoned out of my gourd. It has been since September of 1993 since I partook. I have been good. Back off.
A lot of people daydream about winning... A lot of people around the lunch room will throw out the "What would you do with your winnings?" question. It is really quite simple for me...
I don't want it.
Here is a quick break down... a what if... There were three winners of the big drawing that weekend. Cash payout was $399 million... Divided by three is $133 million. Divided by fourteen is $9.5 million... For easy math's sake... Let's just go with $10,000,000. This is after taxes.
I could be done with that in about... 3 months.
Wha????
For as long as I can remember, I have been really good at spending money on insane, useless shit.
Here is the breakdown...
First... Five million dollars is going to St. Jude Children's Hospital in Memphis. Here is why... This place lets sick kids (and by sick, I mean kids who have gotten a rotten fucking deal) come and get treatment and charges NOTHING! I won't support the Red Cross, who, after they help you, send you a bill... So, yeah,,, Marlo, here's yo check! (Can I get a wing named after me????). Regardless of how much I would win... Half would go to charity...
Total Left: $5,000,000
Second, I take care of all my bills. I take care of all Mom and Dad's bills. I prolly take care of about 10 of my closest friends bills. At least one of those is an ex-wife... Just because it would eff with her head, which is just fun. Mortgages, car loans, biggies like that. We will call it a cool 1.5 million.
I would do this because a lot of people have helped me through the years. From some, it was a PB & J when I really wanted a PB & J. Others, it was making sure I did not lose myself, pulling me out of a downward social-death spiral...
Total Left: $3,500,000
Indulgence #1.... Eagle Speedster... Watch and drool...
Total Left: $2,750,000
Thirdly... I would need a passport... There are some trips I plan to make...
New Zealand. I would take some friends... Must see WETA. The Shire. I also want to see a rugby match with the All Blacks... They do that Maori Death Haka at the beginning of their matches. Said to be one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world.
And since I am down there, and Australia is, well... right there... On the way back... Japan... I would be hungry for some sushi bout then... Glowing, radioactive sushi!!!!
Then England... I want to be in the studio audience of the show of the clip above. Would also have to get a pic of me in the doorway to 221B Baker St. also.
Since we would probably be flying first class or privately... and it would be spread out over the year... One would have to spend some money... But hey... It would be booked and ready to go...
I would go to Memphis... To hand Marlo her check, but there is another reason...
Total Left: $2,250,000
Land and a house... This gets tricky... The big question would be... WHERE??? I would look into what Canada does when you buy some land up there... Do you have to keep paying a yearly stipend on it? Property taxes and the like... I dunno... Regardless... Has to be close to an airfield... For the private jet thingy AND to take out Indulgence #1...
Total Left: $750,000
After I left the USAF, I made a promise to myself. "IF I ever have the means, I am buying one of each of the machines I have spent the last 3 years busting my knuckles on, and blowing them up."
I would do this... Oh, yes... I would...
Total Left: $694,768.29 (Oh... I priced that equipment... Then doubled it for finding a "demolitions dude" to decimate them to an atomic level...)
Lastly, find a decent bank, the kind that corporations use to dodge taxes... Ones that cartels use in order to launder and store cash... Decent interest rate... Oooh... Swiss bank account... all James Bond and shit... Live off interest...
Done...
Okay... may take longer than three months, but you get the gist. I have ZERO issue spending large sums of money.
The Dark Side.
One of the better documentaries I have ever seen was from HBO, called "Lucky".
It was insanely eye-opening. It really, with razor sharp clarity, reinforced the whole "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it" notion.
There were stories of people who blew through it, lost it, pissed it away, ending up broke a year later. One guy spends about 8-10 hours a day managing the money... Paying the accountants and lawyers to keep tract of the lawyers who are keeping track of the accountants.
Granted, he has a really nice house, small ocean going vessel, and a garage full of toys...
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I am always a fan of Forrest Gump's take on it... "So, I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing."
Wanna be rich? Best of luck... Wanna be secure?
Well, chances are your chances are awfully good.
Thanks, Johnny,
d
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