White Glove to the Face!

This blog idea, or inspiration, came to me earlier this week Sometimes I sit down to write and basically have to pull something from my ass. Dad can usually weed those out and tells me "You wandered a bit on that one." Everyone's a critic.

We had some bad weather coming through, a line of storms on Tuesday night. The meteorologists were broadcasting doom and gloom.  They all but screamed, "HOLY SHIT!!! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!!! Now to sports..."

I got some lightning... A little rain... Not too much.

I have been thinking that there is zero challenge in my life right now... And while I would not mind something of a challenge, Mother Nature PMS'ing all over the crib is NOT on the list. NOTE: I am renting... and have renter's insurance... Again... none too challenging.

Why do we sometimes crave it a challenge? Simple, we want to know where we stand. What we can withstand. What is the threshold? What is too much?

I harken to Brad Pitt's Tyler Durden asking Edward Norton's the Narrator, in "Fight Club", "How much can you know about yourself, you've never been in a fight. I don't wanna die without any scars. So, come on and hit me before I lose my nerve."

In Tyler we trusted, but I got plenty of scars and been in my fair share of fights, thank you very much.

I won some, I lost some. I have gotten the shit kicked out of me. Thankfully, never literally, but as the father in "Friday" said, "You live to fight another day." You are tested in a fight in such a primitive and brutally, bloody, black and white manner... You win. You lose. End of list.

I guess that before supermarkets, Whole Paycheck Foods, and the like, as a man, you were tested in your hunter-gatherer role... So, no shortage of testosterone when you hunted, foraged, provided, and were compensated with female attention... and that was your SUNDAY!

Now that we are at the top of the food chain, the challenge of providing food for your family comes down to not punching that one co-worker who KNOWS it was your FUCKING YOGURT in the fridge... You Shaprie'd that shit with your name... Ugh...

If you were to punch that yogurt stealing sumbitch... you would get fired.. and therefore could not provide...

And before you say we are not at the top of the food chain... Bears, sharks, tigers, lions... Yeah... I know... If I see any of those things in my backyard, I stay the fuck inside... And wonder how in the name of all that is unholy did a shark end up on my patio?

Speaking of work... We all want a rewarding job... or at least that's what it says on the resume. We want to be challenged.  I am a programmer, and I like being presented with a challenging project.

I DO NOT like being presented with a request of "I need a report for <insert whatever their superior asked for>".

Mmmkay, Pum'kin... Do we capture that data anywhere? Have we ever captured that data? What data do you need to see on this "Just Pulled From Your Ass" Report? How would you like the data sorted?

We go back to the challenge of NOT punching Clueless McWasteMyTime in the word hole.

To me... The challenge comes in the form of, "What is the most elegant solution to the problem?" If other programmers were to come in after I won the lottery, would they have a moment of "Ahhhh, I like this bit of code here... Oooh... I see what you did with that... NOICE!"

Without a challenge in your workplace, you quickly reach stagnation. No movement. No catalyst for change. Makes for a long 9 to 5...

Life is the biggest challenge of all... and here's the punchline... You can't win! No one gets out of here alive!

When Rocky Balboa, in "Rocky Balboa", tells his kid...

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that AIN'T YOU! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother.

That last line, of course, slays me... But still... Life is not a challenge, life is THE challenge.

I can't say anything to top ol' Rock... so... Moving on...

In Love the challenges are myriad... I want my potential mate to be smart, of course, but I want her to challenge my opinions, my preconceived notions...

I am kind of a stubborn asshole on certain things... Namely, whatever I declare "Awesome-sauce".

I will debate vehemently that Metallica's "Master of Puppets" is the greatest metal album of all time... If I were to go on a date and ask "whatshername" what the greatest metal album of all time is, there are maybe five contenders that I would allow her to state her case for.

If she were to offer "Silver Side Up" by Nickelback... I would finish my drink... Stand up... Walk out...

Couple of things that I realized about that example... 1) I really am an opinionated asshole on certain things... 2) I am very pleased that I had to google "Nickelback discography" to snag an album title for the shittiest band ever (NOT OPINION, VERIFIABLE FACT!).

The last date I went on, was pleasant. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the other party. Over the second drink, I ran permutations and did the mental calculations... and knew exactly how it was going to turn out. It was not a fairy tale ending... So... It was a one off date. Because there was no challenge.

Ah, Dear Dougie, you complete nincompoop... You can never tell how things will turn out and you are making decisions for the other person and that isn't fair to them!

Um... which is worse, making decisions for them or wasting their time?

Also, when I say I want a challenge from my lover... I don't mean constantly testing me... Constantly confrontational... And I sure as shit don't want mean or bossy...

The biggest challenge in love, to me, is being able to GIVE yourself to another person completely... without LOSING yourself in the process. Close second - when to ask for a threesome... Kidding. (it's 6th!)

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We like to be tested. Weighed and measured. We like to know the benchmarks... SO WE CAN IMPROVE!!!

Just yesterday, I saw this...  

The one thing I wish I could impart to people is... Fail. Fail gloriously and LEARN FROM IT! Let that queasy feeling of "Damn, I messed up" gestate and burst forth in the next attempt. You may not get it right this time either... but you did not mess up the same way and that shit is called "Progress".

Also, when you think of your challenges... How insurmountable they are... How you are besieged... Just remember, there are people out there dealing with shit you can not even fathom. You could always find someone that will beat you in a "Fuck-Up Life Off" ala Wade and Vanessa. ("Deadpool" out on blu-ray, May 10th!)

Maximum effort,

d

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